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Of course it's easier said than done. That's life in general. Breaking up is like a death, you have a grieving period to get through.
But being in her life is not working, being friends is not a good plan either. Not now that emotions are running high. You may be able to be acqaintances later. If there were kids you'd still not be able to be best friends, where is the trust coming from for a friendship? The most you could expect is to be civil towards eachother. Maybe neither one of you wants to move on but you'll have no choice unless you want to do this getting together and breaking up over and over again...
Reading your posts, then cheating & looking at your profile, I see you two are pretty young, started dating in your teens, then graduated high school and now there is college.
When I was younger, I dated for a few years as well, marriage wasn't anything I thought of then, I was too young. With some relationships, they are what they are, time flies & before you know it a few years have gone by.
If you were my son, I'd be glad that you weren't marrying your 1st girlfriend; and if this was my daughter, I'd be happy she was not marrying her 1st boyfriend. You are 21, so much can happen in the next 5 years. I think that a break is good, for both of you. If it turns out you really do love her you two will find each other again.
I can understand that you want to help her through this but also agree that she just might feel there is a chance you won't find someone like her and come back. My son (23) has dated a girl for about the same time. The break ups get longer & longer but they always go back to each other. My son has gone to California for a few months to get away from her and is currently on vacation 1/2 way across the US once again trying to get away from her. She's currently (living with) with the guy she cheated on my son with, yet once she sees my son update his myspace page the phone calls or emails start. She's gone back to her parents house to use the computer to email my son.
How was she when you two broke up? Was she crazy, calling you? Did she get depressed? Would she ever threaten suicide? Without knowing much about her, it's hard to say. The one in my son's life has been a cutter and has used that to get him back. You mention her friends dislike you but it sounds like they are married and don't have time to help a friend get over you. I'm sure this is only adding to her fire. Here she is, she was with a guy for 4 years and instead of marriage like her friends, she gets dumped; now she's alone.
Right now, I don't think that your girl gets that you need a break. You've been with her since high school, you're probably all she knows, like a favorite shirt lol You obviously care about her but with you talking to her, are giving her the hope that there will be another round. Yes, I think you helping is hurting her.
Do you also communicate via email, text/IM & myspace? If so, you should block her from the IM so she can't see you are online. If you do the myspace & email, don't answer her emails right away. You need to communicate with her less but break it off slowly. She will be fine just like the rest of us that have lived through break ups.
btw, is it possible to contact her friends? They really need to be there for her, not you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by endersshadow
I broke up with my girlfriend (of 4 years) about two months ago. We're still friends but she's having a real hard time moving on. I tried explaining my feelings the best I could to give her closure. I told her that I didn't want to marry my first serious girlfriend. Though she never pushed marriage, I know it'd be in the future. If you want to discuss how wrong or right I am, feel free to (but please after you respond to the purpose of the thread).
Anyway, she hasn't taken the break up well. She recently said something that stuck out to me. She was ashamed of herself for not being as strong as me, for not taking the break-up so well. It's not that I cared so little about her that the break-up didn't bother me. On the contrary, I care for her a great deal. That's why I voluntarily to spent 8 hours with her to help her with her school work. That's why I've had several discussions with her about "our" situation. But I just don't think much about our break-up. The only thing that I'm upset about us breaking-up is that it's left her in shambles (despite how much she'll deny it). But her being broken is something I expected before I told her it was over. In fact, that was one of the reasons I felt it was necessary, I didn't want to stay with her out of pity.
Her friends are telling her to stop talking to me. Most of her family hates me now (understandably). However, she's told me that she needs to continue talking to me to help her through this. Otherwise if I left her, she'd likely not talk to me for a very long time (a year or two). That's an outcome that I don't want but at the same time, I think me being her friend is not helping her. If anything else, it's prolonging her healing process. So I can stay with her as a friend or leave her... The latter sounds horrible but at the same time, it sounds like the right thing to do. Any advice or other perspectives is appreciated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by endersshadow
Well, to be more in depth, I've broken up with her twice before. We got back together soon afterwards though. We've been discussing a break up for about a year now so it wasn't necessarily a bombshell. I was kind of waiting for her to move on campus to give her a "fresh" start and so that she wouldn't blame herself about it (there's really no need for her to blame herself but of course, she has - "I need to find someone better than her" kind of mentality). But instead, she decided to commute to college which left me to believe she only stayed in the area so that we didn't break up.
We've been broken up for about two months now. Soon after we broke up, I tried giving her space. I called her about once a week, saw her about once a week, etc. She responded by being angry with me because she thought she was the only one that cared about continuing the friendship. So I call her maybe two or three times a week because I do care about her and I do want to know how her day was. But if I'm reading you all right, I should let her be angry with me? Keep the distance or cut ties altogether would better her off in the long run? I'd hate for what it'd do between us but if it helps her, I'm willing to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by endersshadow
Maybe I'm not as clear as I'd like to be. I don't really care if her friends and family hate me or not. Aside from it being a little awkward if I see them, it doesn't bother me so they're not applying any pressure on me at all. I'd be mad at someone for breaking my sister's heart too.
Also, when we broke up in the past, we got back together almost immediately. So I don't believe she thinks there's still hope for us to get back together (since it's been two months now). Through this breakup, I believe she experienced a surreal moment where she didn't quite believe it was over. Then, because of her friends and family's words, she hated me when I wasn't around. Now, I think she's at a point where she thinks she's sick of men. She doesn't want to trust another guy to only be mislead or dumped again.
But as someone said, this is hard on me. Us breaking up was fine for me (I've been able to not think about it) but seeing her go through this is what's difficult for me. When we broke up, I told her I'd be there for her if she needed me. I meant it and I still do. Abandoning her, though it may be better for her in the long run, just doesn't seem fair. Unfortunately for her, she doesn't have close friends anymore. They all found a man to live with or marry. She doesn't exactly have someone else to spout her emotions or seek advice from. I know I shouldn't remain friends with her out of pity. I realize I gave up the rights of the boyfriend to feel responsible for her. However, I'm still her friend and I'd feel obligated to help any of my friends. The only thing I'm concerned about is if my "helping" is actually hurting her, as someone indicated.
If it sounds like I'm not listening to what you all are saying, I apologize. I am reading and taking all of your perspectives into account (though I believe all of them are pretty much the same - leave her and let her deal with it on her own). But as the saying goes, it's easier said than done.
I never thought that I myself would be saying this but it is true; you are not helping her by being a friend. I am speaking from experience. I too have been there. Letting go completely is one of the hardest things to do but she needs to heal and you cannot be a part of the healing process. She has to do it on her own. She will cry, she may not eat, she will be angry etc but it will pass with time. It is important too that you yourself be free. You must no longer feel guilty. It is a part of life that we must all go through at some point though for some it may be more painful than others. She will be stronger because of it. Yes, you can be friends but the friendship will come in time - just not now. Many people do not realize that even the person who wants to break off the relationship is also in pain - knowing my anger at the time I can't believe I am saying this. I truly wish you well and for now I urge you to put distance between you both and get on with your own life as harsh as it may sound. If my ex were to read this now !!!
just ignore calls and getting together for a couple of weeks and things should start to wind down.you're not helping by hanging on even though you say it's over.
Us breaking up was fine for me (I've been able to not think about it) but seeing her go through this is what's difficult for me. When we broke up, I told her I'd be there for her if she needed me. I meant it and I still do. Abandoning her, though it may be better for her in the long run, just doesn't seem fair. However, I'm still her friend and I'd feel obligated to help any of my friends. The only thing I'm concerned about is if my "helping" is actually hurting her, as someone indicated.
That is a load of crap right there.
You still have one foot in the door, and you just don't want to let her go, so be honest about your motives, at some level you get off on the attention, so deflate your ego, practice having your words match your actions (because right now they are NOT and you are sending all kinds of mixed messages)
You are NOT her friend, don't try to be. That is a load of CRAP.
You are her EX, so it is as EASY said as it is DONE. Here, read my lips:
Do not call.
Do not write.
Do not visit.
Do not talk.
That is it, pure and simple. Anything else you are deluding yourself, and yes it is unhealthy for BOTH OF YOU.
You are definitely hurting her by sticking around...what happens if you meet a girl you want to start dating? Do you think she'll be okay with the ongoing drama between you and the girl you were with for 4 years? And if you cut her off because of some new girl, it will devastate your ex even more!!! Be realistic...this is toxic and will prevent BOTH of you from moving on. You might see it as "abandoning" her, but this is not the case...as others have said, it is not your responsibility or right to get her through the pain you inflicted on her in the first place...(that's not a dig...you did the right thing by ending things if you no longer felt the same way.) Tell her you're sorry she's hurting, but it's time to accept that things have changed and move on. Seems like you're having a hard time letting go yourself, maybe you didn't really want it to end permanently, just wanted some space to see what else is out there...? Take some time and get some distance. If you're worried about her feelings all the time, you can't deal with your own. Once she has some time away from you, she'll go through the whole crying/raging/re-evaluating/accepting thing and will be fine...she's young and will find someone else once YOU do the right thing and step aside.
Old thread alert! Btw, I can't help but wonder if the OP ever took any of this wonderful advice and actually stopped contacting her for a while. We may never know!
Old thread alert! Btw, I can't help but wonder if the OP ever took any of this wonderful advice and actually stopped contacting her for a while. We may never know!
I concur and wonder too. So many people on so many forums ask for advice and receive so many answers on so many subjects and then they just disappear. Their stories are left in limbo for others to wonder about. C'est la vie! Cheers!
To help an ex move on you need to sleep with that ex...make the sweetest and best love to him or her to the song "walking on sunshine", after that smoke a couple of packs of cigarettes, have dinner at pizza hit and that should help....
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