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I'm a married guy...for almost 25 yrs now. Back in 2004, on a short business trip to Korea, I ended up at a group dinner chatting with a cute young colleague from the local office the entire evening. She made me feel very welcome (considering it was my first visit to the country). After that meeting, we stayed in touch via company IM and e-mail for about a year...mostly her asking me about career advice. We lost touch after that.
Fast-forward to 2015, her name pops up on LinkedIn ("people you may know") and I send her an invite, reminding her of how we met. She accepts, replies back that she does remember me, but we don't communicate after that.
Now...2018...my business travels bring me back to Korea. On a lark, I get in touch with her ahead of my trip, asking if she would like to meet for coffee while I'm there, "just to say hello after all these years". I gave her an out--stating that she need not feel obliged to meet, considering this could be awkward. To my surprise, she responds in the affirmative, and suggests lunch.
Well, we had lunch yesterday. It was great! Between lunch and coffee afterward (her suggestion), we ended up chatting for 3 hrs! More than anything...I felt an emotional intimacy I have not felt in years. She asked a lot about my daughter, how I was raising her, my faith, what makes me happy in life, etc. and shared a lot about herself. Considering we hadn't met in 13 yrs, it was a really deep conversation. She did mention she's had a boyfriend for the past 5-6 yrs but didn't really say much else about him. We parted with a long hug (initiated by her).
Afterward, I send her a "thank you" text...to which she responds saying it was fun talking to me, that it felt very comfortable as if we were old friends, and that she hopes I visit Seoul again. Couple more back & forth texts and she ends with suggesting lunch the next time I'm in the country.
Besides the guilt I'm feeling over the fact that I haven't felt these kind of goosebumps with my own spouse in ages, do you guys see anything harmful in this? Is there anything wrong in this friendship continuing?
I'm a married guy...for almost 25 yrs now. Back in 2004, on a short business trip to Korea, I ended up at a group dinner chatting with a cute young colleague from the local office the entire evening. She made me feel very welcome (considering it was my first visit to the country). After that meeting, we stayed in touch via company IM and e-mail for about a year...mostly her asking me about career advice. We lost touch after that.
Fast-forward to 2015, her name pops up on LinkedIn ("people you may know") and I send her an invite, reminding her of how we met. She accepts, replies back that she does remember me, but we don't communicate after that.
Now...2018...my business travels bring me back to Korea. On a lark, I get in touch with her ahead of my trip, asking if she would like to meet for coffee while I'm there, "just to say hello after all these years". I gave her an out--stating that she need not feel obliged to meet, considering this could be awkward. To my surprise, she responds in the affirmative, and suggests lunch.
Well, we had lunch yesterday. It was great! Between lunch and coffee afterward (her suggestion), we ended up chatting for 3 hrs! More than anything...I felt an emotional intimacy I have not felt in years. She asked a lot about my daughter, how I was raising her, my faith, what makes me happy in life, etc. and shared a lot about herself. Considering we hadn't met in 13 yrs, it was a really deep conversation. She did mention she's had a boyfriend for the past 5-6 yrs but didn't really say much else about him. We parted with a long hug (initiated by her).
Afterward, I send her a "thank you" text...to which she responds saying it was fun talking to me, that it felt very comfortable as if we were old friends, and that she hopes I visit Seoul again. Couple more back & forth texts and she ends with suggesting lunch the next time I'm in the country.
Besides the guilt I'm feeling over the fact that I haven't felt these kind of goosebumps with my own spouse in ages, do you guys see anything harmful in this? Is there anything wrong in this friendship continuing?
I do think it's wrong to continue this friendship because of the two statements I bolded in your post. This friendship would be providing the intimacy you're missing with your wife, and that's when it crosses into dangerous territory.
I don't think you've done anything to feel guilty about thus far. I don't think you've done anything wrong thus far. But by simply asking this question, you do realize that you're flirting with crossing that line.
Instead of putting your efforts into this friendship, put effort toward rebuilding the intimacy in your marriage. You could start by simply saying to your wife "I miss when we used to go on dates" and then go on a date with your wife.
I have been in a situation like this, and your story sounds really familiar to me. So I'll cut to the bottom line and say, yes, this is an emotional affair; yes, I see something harmful in it; yes, I see something wrong with this friendship continuing. If it goes any further, it's going to result in pain for someone.
You are pursuing this young woman -- you invited her to your LinkedIn page, you emailed her "on a lark" when you were going back to Korea -- and you need to stop if you value your marriage. If you don't, well ... that's another story.
But assuming you do want your marriage to succeed, I strongly suggest you cease any further communication -- of any kind -- with the woman in Korea. Turn your attention back to your wife. What was it about her that caused you to fall in love with her in the first place? Focus on that, and try to forget the other woman.
I have been in a situation like this, and your story sounds really familiar to me. So I'll cut to the bottom line and say, yes, this is an emotional affair; yes, I see something harmful in it; yes, I see something wrong with this friendship continuing. If it goes any further, it's going to result in pain for someone.
You are pursuing this young woman -- you invited her to your LinkedIn page, you emailed her "on a lark" when you were going back to Korea -- and you need to stop if you value your marriage. If you don't, well ... that's another story.
But assuming you do want your marriage to succeed, I strongly suggest you cease any further communication -- of any kind -- with the woman in Korea. Turn your attention back to your wife. What was it about her that caused you to fall in love with her in the first place? Focus on that, and try to forget the other woman.
Thanks for sharing your personal perspective here. Definite food for thought. Whether my actions were due to a "25 year itch" or something deeper...gotta think about.
You know it is, on your part. (She asked about your family; you asked nothing about her boyfriend.) What you do about it is up to you, but it is doubtful that proceeding down this path will lead to anything positive.
Get real. An older guy getting the hots for an attractive young woman is NOT emotional intimacy, and it's not "special" in that it's common. Putting more effort into reviving your marriage is likely to bring you more happiness than pursuing this young woman who told you she has a boyfriend, hint hint. Fantasies are just that.
I think it is strange you even cared to send a Linkedin invite to someone you met once 11 years before. Did you ever do that with anyone else? Seems the "cuteness" was a motivating factor in this reconnection, and the meet up three years later.
Well, we had lunch yesterday. It was great! Between lunch and coffee afterward (her suggestion), we ended up chatting for 3 hrs! More than anything...I felt an emotional intimacy I have not felt in years.
Whoop! Whoop! Warning siren going off.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WellShoneMoon
So I'll cut to the bottom line and say, yes, this is an emotional affair; yes, I see something harmful in it; yes, I see something wrong with this friendship continuing. If it goes any further, it's going to result in pain for someone.
Yeppers.
How would your spouse feel if you sent her this thread? There's your answer as to your behaviour's appropriateness. I agree with the other posters, if you haven't felt this sort of tingle in your marriage in a while, work on getting that back. You are 50% of that relationship - take responsibility for your part.
I've also been with my husband for over 25 years, I'd be devastated if I found out he was doing/feeling this with a co-worker.
The fact that there is a feeling of guilt says alot, yet there is a difference between what goes on in the head and what actually happens. This may not be popular, but you can fantasize all you want, at the end of the day, where do you put your energy?
I am not a big fan of married people not having friends of the opposite sex. I have lost some really good friends that way.
No, it isnt emotional affair or cheating, to meet an old friend. However, if you continue meeting with her and your feelings continue building, you are putting that at risk. Tell your spouse about meeting and old friend for lunch and talking. Dont listen to posters here who think you have cheated, its nonsense
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