Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
To answer your question, this definitely is emotional abuse and, though I don't approve of kissing someone else, it is understandable why you would seek affection when you have a husband constantly criticizing you. If, after counseling, he does not make the effort toward change, this behavior is not something you want your children to continue to witness and later imitate in their own relationships. I would definitely move on and away at that point.
It sounds to me that you already know you want out. You don't need other people to tell you it's ok. If it's what you feel you need to do, then be honest with yourself.
I lived, as a kid, with parents who shouldn't have stayed together and I don't have a childhood I am particularly fond of.
Me too - I wanted my parents to get divorced, but they didn't.
There are a number of posters here who have expressed judgment rather than support. Ignore them. You already know your own flaws, and it sounds like you are harder on yourself than anyone else could possibly be.
Even in your original posts, you've made excuses for him, saying that you're not the best housekeeper anyway. True or not, that's no excuse for him to treat you the way he has. I know couples where one person isn't the cleanest - one in particular, the woman, who is job-hunting and should have all the time in the world to clean - but the husband isn't a jerk about it. When people aren't happy with some aspect of a relationship, they TALK about it, they don't accuse or criticize or make unilateral demands.
I used to live with someone who showed some of the same patterns your husband does. I moved out after the first time it became physical (over some unwashed dishes). It wasn't until I left that I fully understood the extent of the emotional abuse leading up to that event.
I, too, had friends and activities he was jealous of. And I felt GUILTY about it! I, too, made friends who actually thought well of me and told me so... and I assumed they didn't REALLY know me the way my S.O. did!
I'm not sure counseling will do any good. If it does, it will take a long time, and you will have wasted more of your life. It's up to you how much more time you are willing to give him. But if it were me, I would get on with a healthier life.
Maybe your husband considers it emotional abuse when you go out with, kiss, and depend on other men in a way that is not appropriate in a marriage. If he has insecurities as you indicate by your description of him, why would you take such risks? If you loved him, you would not do such things, and if you were afraid of him, you would not do it either. So - which is it? Perhaps he considers coming home to a mess and domestic chaos as an abuse of his willingness to work hard to provide for family, while it is not reciprocated as would be expected in a partnership. Maybe he feels "used" as a meal ticket??
You owe it to your children to be open and honest with their father. You have a right to set boundaries on how you expect to be treated and what you will and will not accept in a relationship. You do not "have" to stay with this man. You do not have the right to involve yourself with other men at this stage. If you truly are in an abusive relationship, creating love triangles, damsel in distress scenarios, and "church games" is a recipe for disaster and the common denominator for tragic outcomes. You have a responsibility in the creation of the family dynamic. You have four children to consider, and of all people, they are the ones who witness what really goes on in the home. You are an adult and have choices, and they depend on you to have some integrity and self responsibility. Remember, all abusers see themselves as victims too...
A true story from a close friend: It is simply and totally unacceptable for any human being to violate any part of your person!! Constantly putting you down, never being pleased with your hard work of caring for him/her or just your plain hard work, not valuing your opinions or feelings, neglecting what is important to you, telling you that problems are all your fault, always having a "better" idea or plan, requiring his/her permission or experiencing lack of freedom to drive or carry out other necessary skills in order to care for your family and yourself, excluding you from participating in decision-making, requiring you to "obey/submit" to him, telling you that you shouldn't feel a certain way, controlling all the finances, and any other words, behaviors, or actions that rob your value and equality as a person and human being, is ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!! You must say "NO"!!!! Even if it means that you file for divorce because he/she is unresponsive to every other strategy!!!!!!!!!! It took many years to finally say "NO"! But, I did! The so-called "Christian values" I grew up with allowed me to be continually beaten up emotionally. Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse is invisible and usually remedied via “Christian leaders” by blaming you for complaining and/or diagnosing you with depression or some form of medical/emotional dysfunction. I dare say that I intensely believe that those so-called “Christians” will someday be held accountable!! To this day, the destruction that took place over many years and tears continues the process of healing!
It seems like you've realized that you need to stop trying to get affirmation from your husband. This is a good thing, because trying to get affirmation and approval from someone else is a bit codependent. True self-worth and self-esteem come from within.
Your husband sounds like the classic emotionally abusive ahole. Of course he's now going to start criticizing your mothering: He is going to try to tear you back down to the zombie you were by hitting you where it hurts most.
See that behavior for what it is: He knows you can do much better than him. He just doesn't want YOU to know it, too.
Well, tough noogs. He should have thought about that a long time ago.
Stand up for yourself. Tell him that you feel his criticisms are unwarranted, that his attitude strikes you as mean and nasty, and that if it continues you will leave.
A true story from a close friend: It is simply and totally unacceptable for any human being to violate any part of your person!! Constantly putting you down, never being pleased with your hard work of caring for him/her or just your plain hard work, not valuing your opinions or feelings, neglecting what is important to you, telling you that problems are all your fault, always having a "better" idea or plan, requiring his/her permission or experiencing lack of freedom to drive or carry out other necessary skills in order to care for your family and yourself, excluding you from participating in decision-making, requiring you to "obey/submit" to him, telling you that you shouldn't feel a certain way, controlling all the finances, and any other words, behaviors, or actions that rob your value and equality as a person and human being, is ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!! You must say "NO"!!!! Even if it means that you file for divorce because he/she is unresponsive to every other strategy!!!!!!!!!! It took many years to finally say "NO"! But, I did! The so-called "Christian values" I grew up with allowed me to be continually beaten up emotionally. Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse is invisible and usually remedied via “Christian leaders” by blaming you for complaining and/or diagnosing you with depression or some form of medical/emotional dysfunction. I dare say that I intensely believe that those so-called “Christians” will someday be held accountable!! To this day, the destruction that took place over many years and tears continues the process of healing!
I know exactly what you are talking about, Cynthea, and I'm glad you made the choice not to take it anymore. But damn, the anger over this hangs on for a long time, doesn't it? I was raised in a similar Christian atmosphere--forgive 70 X 7, keep taking it, turn the other cheek, etc., etc., etc. I spent so many years trying to figure out just what I had to DO to be treated better..."maybe if I do this, maybe if I say that, maybe I'm saying what I want to say in the WRONG way, maybe if I say it THIS way, he'll understand and stop being so mean..." IT WASN'T ME!!!!
I've been divorced now for about ten years (and still have those moments of joy when I see my ex and think "I am SO HAPPY not to be married to him anymore!!!). We are fairly civil because we have a college-age daughter and we made an agreement after the divorce to put her best interests first. However, this past summer she decided to live with him because I moved and he is in a closer location to her friends and the town where I raised her. So she starts calling me after about a month telling me how she can't stand living with Daddy. For example, she put a potato in the microwave one night, and within a minute the microwave blew and started smoking and potato was burned to a crisp. She unplugged the microwave and threw the potato into the sink. Her father comes home, and she tells him what happened, and immediately he starts accusing her of leaving a fork in the microwave, and when she said, no, there was no fork, then he told her she MUST have wrapped the potato in foil or something--meanwhile she's pointing to the sink and showing him that there was no foil, but he's insisting that SHE MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG because microwaves just don't short out like that. And she's telling me this story, very upset, and I'm remembering that any time something went wrong with the car when he was driving, even him getting a flat tire, I would get yelled at because I must have jumped up on the curb or run over a bottle when I last used the car, or I must have messed with the engine. I must have done SOMETHING that made him have this car trouble.
I made it a point in those ten years not to put her father down to my daughter, but this time she is 19 years old and feeling the personal effects of an emotional abuser, and so I just said quietly, "Yes, I understand honey, and now you know one of the reasons why I am no longer married to your father."
It's very evident that you are in a emotional abusive relationship. So I will be careful to even respond to you. When people have been physically abused you have to handle them with care. Also the same goes for you, emotional abuse makes you very vulnerable to criticism. I would say work on yourself first don't concern yourself with divorce or anything. But find out why you have allowed this and then work on changing the behavior. Which will take alot of time emotional abuse can be a devastating damage to any person. But you children are in much danger for the results of you not getting help. No time to sit at the beach kissing cause that is not the cure. It is very imperative that you seek help for your children to have healthy lives and relationships in the future. I have experience emotional abuse as a child and as a spouse. I made a stand in the beginning so therefore my husband counting the cost in a way. He had to look inside himself cause I would not allow him to blame me for his insecurities.
OP, been there done that. He is emotionally abusive/controlling. My ex put me down all the freaking time. When you were saying that when he complained about something and you tried to 'fix' it, and he would just find something else..wow. Been there..done that. My ex tried to isolate me from friends, etc.
Not saying you are perfect. It takes two. But, believe me, I was having flashbacks reading your post. Ask yourself if you reallly think this is going to get better. Counseling is an option. But..in the long run, you only live once. Weigh your options CAREFULLY.
Before deciding that you are "emotionally abused". Think, how am I going to support my kids? How am I going to pay the bills? Don't automatically start thinking in some fantasy of a guy "rescuing" you. Just think in some reality. I have been there. I was so miserable in my marriage I wanted to be dead. I was never good enough. I left, but it was hard. I had to work two jobs. I hardly ever saw my kids. I was always beat tired. I definitely did not have time for friends, or men...So, I don't know your situation, but that was mine. So, think before you leave. Sometimes, I wonder if it was really that bad, of if all I ever did was think it was so bad, without looking at what was good.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
