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Well I'm sure many of you since as Tinder will love the conclusion to the story.
We talked and the issue was he really needed to hear me say the words I wanted to be with him and him alone given a) his past and b) our situation as he would not put his heart on the line this time w/o knowing it was what I wanted and yes he feels committed to me too but we need to officially say it to one another. In any event he was very happy, talking about various things like if we moved in together, meeting the family,etc.
So we went out to dinner. I told him yes I wanted to be with him and him alone and have a committed relationship. Great dinner, great night, great sex, stayed over for the first time, slept his arms first time, spent the day 1/2 dressed in each others arms, making love etc.
We left together later that day and went our separate ways.
I got an email the next day he wanted to meet.
And he said "I am not ready for a relationship. I am sorry. You are a great girl".
:|
I'd guess I'm once again the only one here who is surprised...
Well I'm sure many of you since as Tinder will love the conclusion to the story.
We talked and the issue was he really needed to hear me say the words I wanted to be with him and him alone given a) his past and b) our situation as he would not put his heart on the line this time w/o knowing it was what I wanted and yes he feels committed to me too but we need to officially say it to one another. In any event he was very happy, talking about various things like if we moved in together, meeting the family,etc.
So we went out to dinner. I told him yes I wanted to be with him and him alone and have a committed relationship. Great dinner, great night, great sex, stayed over for the first time, slept his arms first time, spent the day 1/2 dressed in each others arms, making love etc.
We left together later that day and went our separate ways.
I got an email the next day he wanted to meet.
And he said "I am not ready for a relationship. I am sorry. You are a great girl".
:|
I'd guess I'm once again the only one here who is surprised...
For what it's worth, he may very well not be ready for a relationship. He may have thought he was, but he wasn't.
It isn't always about you. Although granted, some people do say that as an excuse.
I am really sorry. It seems, at least from what you've said here, that this guy is very childlike and wants to play games. From shaking the used ***** at you and snarking, right down to this. You need a grown man. Move on and let this dude work his own stuff out.
It almost seems like this was a setup to get back at you for not having just begged for a commitment from him from the beginning. instead he had to come out and admit this was what he wanted. Like...a wounded pride thing. But I could be off about that, plus I wasn't there. It's just a feeling.
I am really sorry. It seems, at least from what you've said here, that this guy is very childlike and wants to play games. From shaking the used ***** at you and snarking, right down to this. You need a grown man. Move on and let this dude work his own stuff out.
It almost seems like this was a setup to get back at you for not having just begged for a commitment from him from the beginning. instead he had to come out and admit this was what he wanted. Like...a wounded pride thing. But I could be off about that, plus I wasn't there. It's just a feeling.
What blows me away is he thinks he did nothing wrong. "We just see things differently". Not the slightest bit of remorse or responsibility. In fact I'd say a little peeved that I was even upset at the string of intentional events to drag me back in, re-open my heart and commit. It was treated pretty much as if *I* was the one who'd tried to move us from casual to committed and he never wanted it and was just being honest about it. The keys, the drawers, the "I need to hear you tell me officially I am your one and only" and my telling him not once but TWICE as we had to do it 'officially" over dinner. The dude was discussing future plans with me for F-sake afterward, trying out different pet names, and said let's make Saturday our official date night so we can take in the city together and telling me that there were a lot of people in his family that were going to want to meet me.
18 hours later he meets me to tell me he is not ready for a committed relationship as if *I* did all these things and my upset is just that of the person who wanted more???
I am not far into the thread yet, but the immediate impression I get is that you have told him all along that you are not ready for a relationship. Have you, at any point, indicated otherwise? If not, how can you justify getting upset with him for taking you at your word?
Nope, I'm with her: gross. It isn't just sterilization. Toys are not about orgasms per se they are about intimacy. And how matter how much they are "cleaned" knowing they were on/in someone else the night before IS gross. In large part because of how odds it is with the sharing of intimacy let alone ...
I agree that the issue of sterilization is important, but other than that, I'm not at all sure why sex with toys is more intimate than sex without them. Sex is sex.
That was hardly my point. I was replying to a larger assertion; that explicit communication has any more merit than assumptions. People do what they want. Trust isn't found or earned with words. And I did not call him EITHER a liar OR a cheater. I've stated repeatedly he could in fact do what he wants. It is the fact he wanted to do it I found and find disturbing. I'm going to go out on a limb and say if I'd said to him that night "ok so we are in a committed relationship now" he'd have still done what he did. Because he wanted to. You people and your "agreements". I don't need to have him NOT do what he wants because I promise him something in return. I don't in fact WANT someone to not agree to do what they want to do for me. That is a recipe for disaster. I didn't need for him to "promise" me anything to not have done the same thing the next night. Again: I get HE isn't like that and *I* assumed it. My bad. But no amount of talking/agreeing would have changed this.
That, that part in bold...that right there is your problem. You can't tell someone to do what they want, and then get offended when they do it.
If nothing else, we are seeing the range of perspectives here. I don't have a problem with anyone believing that any particular act, or activity, is part of what they consider to be "intimacy." I mean heck, for ME, telling someone one of my fantasies, is hugely intimate. It makes me feel vulnerable. To some, that is SO not a big deal, they'll write 'em up and post 'em on the internet. Same with sex, with toys, with anything!
This just highlights the need to communicate with partners, so you know what things mean to them.
And I still think that whether he slept with another woman, or is lying about it, it's a ploy to incite jealousy and be able to say, "Well, if you want me not to do that, you've got to give me the relationship status I want from you." I think it's manipulative. At least that's what my instincts tell me.
I see your point, and agree...sort of. The thing is, it seems that she is now interested in the same status: exclusivity.
Frankly, this whole situation is starting to sound like it's been dysfunctional from the get-go.
I'm simply amazed at how much stock is put in words and not actions. Early on we agreed to this. Eventually, behaviors/interactions/invitations changed. At what point does a new 'conversation' have to take place vs actions? What if say.... I'd started staying over. Eventually I moved in completely. We visited his family on Christmas, mine for the summer. We had dinner parties, and went sailing together in the winter. We developed a Valentine's Day tradition at Tavern on the Green. We made love 3x a week and were building a sailboat together that took us seven seasons and named it 'BobAndAlicesLoveBoat'. Are you saying that without the 'let's be exclusive' conversation I'm still an idiot for assuming and have only myself to blame when I find him doing the female steward on our boat in Turks and Caicos in 2025? I get that is a lot further along on the continuum for it to be excusable/understandable that I would wrongly, in this case, assume there was not another woman doing the same thing the same way in the same place the next night.
If you said you reached that point with someone you had repeatedly told you did not want a relationship, I would doubt your veracity.
Yeah...we do...but the OP's is getting pounded to the ground as she's told how wrong she is and how she shouldn't be approaching sex (or really, waiting for sex) the way she does. I'm not really understanding that, if the point here IS that different humans have different perspectives on how relationships should work. How come the OP's perspective is just totally wrong and she needs to be put in her place about it? She's not the only person on earth who feels more connected after sex and/or who waits for sex until there's an emotional connection (per her perspective).
The point really isn't that she "should" be having sex to see "if they're compatible," the point is that she wants to know about this guy seeing other women and feels stuck...She can get unstuck by asking the guy for exclusivity (if that's what she wants) or blowing him off (what I'd personally do, after the childish little show of "here, look, I used this ***** on someone else," but again, that's her call).
No. The OP is getting "pounded into the ground" because she has insisted all along that she didn't want a relationship, and then she did, but apparently never bothered to let the guy know.
Neither party here is blameless, but it's pretty unreasonable to expect something you have repeatedly said you do not want.
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