My boyfriend verbally lashes out at me and then blames me for it (dating, girlfriend)
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My boyfriend and have been dating for nearly ~3 years and I've noticed something about him that I have no explanation for but am also really unhappy with and am not sure what to do.
If my boyfriend is in the middle of something important, or something he's focusing on or pretty much anything he doesn't understand (i.e having to repeat himself) then he becomes very short tempered, angry and lashes out.
For example, tonight he was playing a video game and he turned around to talk to me, but he couldn't hear what I was saying. He become annoyed that he couldn't hear so I texted him. Then when he turned around again I tried pointing at my phone (to signal I had texted him) but he started abruptly shouting "I can't fing hear you, I'm the middle of something. You're so fing annoying." I don't understand why he gets so irate with me but I immediately want to cry. He doesn't seem to see his behavior as an issue and usually just blames me for being angry because his behavior makes me so upset I don't know what to do. His behavior really makes me question my relationship with him because I find it incredibly hurtful, unhelpful, mean spirited and disrespectful. What makes it worse is that we live with friends, and I'm pretty sure they hear him loudly scolding me and it's embarrassing.
Lately I feel sometimes that I should only prompt him when promoted first, so that I won't be yelled at or spoken down to.
My boyfriend usually shows this behavior about 1 time a week on average. It has a pattern of behavior and a lot of it repeats itself. I always ask myself why this is happen and he promises he'll "try to change" but it just happens again and again.
He doesn't seem to think much of you. What are you still doing there? His anger issues probably didn't start with you (those are usually already "in there" for someone who just routinely gets angry) but that's not your concern if he won't face them and do something about them. That's for him to deal with, unless you feel willing to bring up the issue with sensitivity and some time when he's not busy with something else. If you don't want to or are afraid to that could actually say it all, IMO.
OTOH, if he was doing something - even if it was a video game - and you talked at him and then demanded his attention by texting him, while you were right there, I'm sorry, but that does seem irritating. I hate to say it but that's like a child. It still doesn't excuse being yelled or sworn at but it sounds to me like this isn't such a healthy association either way.
He's not going to change unless he gets a negative stimulus response from his actions.. it's how animals change their behavior. It needs to be more than verbal because words don't work with 95% of the population nor with animals.. actual physical discomfort works better. A kid might not pay much attention about his parent telling him not to put his hand on that hot stove, but I guarantee you if the kid actually does it he'll pay attention from now on...
Examples of things you could do to get him to modify his behavior... say you're staying with your parents when he does it and explain that you're tired of it.. unplug his game console while he's playing, take an airhorn and let it rip when he does it, or whatever you want to try. Whatever causes him enough discomfort to make him pause playing and get him to talk to you so you can explain how you feel and come to a resolution.
Don't do what a lot of people do.. don't say anything and rather tell everybody else and expect that they are just suppose to read your mind and know you're so upset by it. Communication is important.
Nothing will change unless you yourself change, dont feel timid or back yourself into a corner when he feels the need to be irate.
Personally I would get right back nasty with his ass but thats not the answer lol.
But be upfront with him, tell him if he cant control his temper than he needs to be alone to yell at the air, walls and tv.
A Man is only going to do what you allow.
This is the problem, though - if the entire relationship is going to have to be a boxing match then what fun is that? Being on one's guard 100% of the time to keep teaching your SO what you "won't allow" it sounds more like a prison guard, circus baboon trainer or daycare employee than a girlfriend.
You've let this go on too long and he's unlikely to change. He knows how to reel you back in by making empty promises. This behavior is likely to continue for the remainder of the relationship.
Do you want to deal with this the rest of your life?
He's not going to change unless he gets a negative stimulus response from his actions.. it's how animals change their behavior. It needs to be more than verbal because words don't work with 95% of the population nor with animals.. actual physical discomfort works better. A kid might not pay much attention about his parent telling him not to put his hand on that hot stove, but I guarantee you if the kid actually does it he'll pay attention from now on...
Examples of things you could do to get him to modify his behavior... say you're staying with your parents when he does it and explain that you're tired of it.. unplug his game console while he's playing, take an airhorn and let it rip when he does it, or whatever you want to try. Whatever causes him enough discomfort to make him pause playing and get him to talk to you so you can explain how you feel and come to a resolution.
Don't do what a lot of people do.. don't say anything and rather tell everybody else and expect that they are just suppose to read your mind and know you're so upset by it. Communication is important.
Oh no trust me, I tell him. Last night I wrote out this post and showed it to him. He seems to admit that he's wrong and then retract that by saying that "Well you don't help me out by being mindful of my situation and this can't be 100% my fault. You should of just spoken louder" But then it's just like ok if I take partial blame for this, then his behavior will just happen again because of something I'm not "paying attention to."I just feel like I can't win when I simply just want him to react in a much less hurtful way.
You've let this go on too long and he's unlikely to change. He knows how to reel you back in by making empty promises. This behavior is likely to continue for the remainder of the relationship.
Do you want to deal with this the rest of your life?
Absolutely NOT. I think the most hurtful part is that he chooses the most senseless things to become angry about, like if the TV isn't turning on or he has to repeat himself or I have to repeat myself or he's "frustrated" with what he's doing. Like it seems like he blames me for his anger and frustration a lot and it's start to really effect me emotionally.
Edit: he only started acting this way the last year or so of the relationship. when we first started dating he was always really sweet to me.
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