Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 10 days ago)
35,636 posts, read 17,982,736 times
Reputation: 50678
Advertisements
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63
Sorry - this is really on shaky ground. Right - women do stuff for their men (and their kids, and their parents, and EVERYBODY) that they don't really want to do. And yes, some women view just doing sex the same way. Sounds like a lot of fun for everyone and potentially quite degrading for her.
Because sex IS different than other "chores" - there is a lot of potential for it to be very damaging and turn into something very negative for her and ultimately not very fulfilling for him either. And it is one thing for a women to decide on her own that she'll "just do it" - quite another for a man to nag and coerce her into it.
This is not something for a man to tell a woman to do.
I don't see this as "shaky ground". If he were asking her to do something she finds degrading, certain sex acts, or painful, or to do a threesome or something, that's a whole 'nother thing.
A lot of couples divorce because one of them - usually the woman - doesn't want to ever have sex anymore. And our culture has told us you have to be in the mood to have sex, which we all know, women don't have to be in the mood to have sex. It's different for a man, who does have to work himself up into the mood.
After my third child was born my sex drive went to zero, which is not my usual state. It took me a few months to realize I was putting a lot more effort into not having sex than if I just did it. It's hard to keep avoiding it, and it is very stressful for both partners.
It's just not that hard. You don't have to be crazy hot in the mood to do it, any more than you have to really really want to read that Dr. Seuss book for the 3rd time this week.
And that's not degrading. Anymore than offering to give a really great backrub to your partner who has an aching back, although hey, no one really likes to give backrubs.
Luckily for me, this period of zero libido only lasted a couple years, and we got through it ok by just being loving and flexible. My husband stopped expecting me to initiate, and stopped trying to make me in the mood by taking forever or setting up long "romantic" situations. Each gives a little, and you meet in the middle.
I know this sticks in some people's craw, because we've been told that it's okay to decide in the context of marriage or a long term relationship that you don't ever want to have sex again, and the other partner should just cheerfully accept that, but I think that's wrong thinking.
And you're right, nagging and coercing isn't sexy. But it's completely honest - and fair - to say this isn't what I want in a lifetime partner. I wanted to have sex regularly, say twice a week, and this is a deal breaker for me. So can we work on this? And if she says no, then he (or she, which ever) is in their rights to dissolve the partnership.
Do you only want a partner so that you can have sex? Is that the only reason? I mean if that's the case, why bother with a human, why not a doll or toy and some porn? No, you want another person in your life for other reasons too, like affection and validation and companionship. To give love and feel loved. People seek partners for lots of reasons.
Question: Are you doing anything to change your intense work schedule situation, or are you doing this for the foreseeable future? Only getting a few hours a sleep a night and barely seeing your partner is really gonna do you in, sooner or later.
Also, please get the book "Come As You Are." I used to believe when I was with my ex that I had no sex drive and I could go forever without it, I had no need or necessity for it. I used to say those things! After we divorced though, and I found people I related to better and felt more emotionally safe with, I could not get enough! As soon as I was in a mentally and emotionally healthier place, since then, I've most definitely had some strong needs in that department.
I usually sleep 8 hours. Last 3 days I couldn’t sleep.
It is really frustrating that I am so devoted, but she doesn’t feel my love?
I feel so tired. I have done all the things below, but it is not enough. She does not care for gifts.
I’ll get the book, Thank You
Love language
Touch
Acts of service - dishes
Undivided attention
Words of Affirmation
Devotion - romantic for me
Cook - romantic for me
Food shopping together- romantic for me
Maybe we are just super incompatible when it comes to romance and sexual desire/needs?
Would reading the book fix this?
She has “no necessity for sex.” Does this mean her sex drive is zero?
That is a distinct possibility.
Quote:
... Is it possible that she still wants sex if she’s is in the mood?
I would bet that she is 'willing to go along with' sex, if she is in the mood. Rather than saying that she 'wants sex'.
But I am just guessing from my experiences with an asexual spouse for 35 years.
Quote:
... Do people still make an effort to have sex with the partner if one loses interest in the partner?
Some people do. Some do not.
Quote:
... This sounds like a lot of work and a lot of uncertainty
You are correct.
Quote:
... I’m absolutely puzzled why she wants a partner if she’s able to skip sex her an entire life.
Why not just have a lot of friends and skip the partner?
1- Social acceptance,
2- a husband to bring to office parties,
3- a wedding ring can function as a shield against sexual harassment in the workplace.
4- if you view marriage as a business contract, you are a team working toward shared goals.
5- old time advice columns spoke a lot about 'companionship'. Yes you get basically the same thing from a cat or a dog, but a spouse is a companion.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 10 days ago)
35,636 posts, read 17,982,736 times
Reputation: 50678
Quote:
Originally Posted by Exohouse
I usually sleep 8 hours. Last 3 days I couldn’t sleep.
It is really frustrating that I am so devoted, but she doesn’t feel my love?
I feel so tired. I have done all the things below, but it is not enough. She does not care for gifts.
I’ll get the book, Thank You
Love language
Touch
Acts of service - dishes
Undivided attention
Words of Affirmation
Devotion - romantic for me
Cook - romantic for me
Food shopping together- romantic for me
Maybe we are just super incompatible when it comes to romance and sexual desire/needs?
Would reading the book fix this?
From my own experience, exo, none of these things will turn on the sex drive hormone in her brain. It's a brain/endocrine system thing, in my experience.
And no amount of being romantic or doing dishes will make her brain chemistry change.
If he wants to stay together, she'll just have to change behavior and agree to cheerfully have sex sometimes.
Is she on hormonal birth control (patch, implant, pill?) They can zap libido.
From my own experience, exo, none of these things will turn on the sex drive hormone in her brain. It's a brain/endocrine system thing, in my experience.
And no amount of being romantic or doing dishes will make her brain chemistry change.
If he wants to stay together, she'll just have to change behavior and agree to cheerfully have sex sometimes.
Is she on hormonal birth control (patch, implant, pill?) They can zap libido.
See, I don't think I'd want to stay in that sort of relationship where she would basically be doing me a favor by having sex. I'd want her to WANT to have sex with me, not just cheerfully do it.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 10 days ago)
35,636 posts, read 17,982,736 times
Reputation: 50678
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356
See, I don't think I'd want to stay in that sort of relationship where she would basically be doing me a favor by having sex. I'd want her to WANT to have sex with me, not just cheerfully do it.
What if that can't happen - at least in that time frame?
I realize that's not the perfect solution, but it's a solution that can get you through a patch of lack of libido.
Would you rather completely go without sex? Break up?
It happened again today and I questioned her about it.
“Sex is not an important part of a relationship. Take it easy, relax. You are making a big deal out of this”
I said “shouldn’t you have told me after the 5th date? Instead, you said I’m not comfortable with sex until around the 8th month, but I’ll meet you halfway. Around 4th month”
I feel like she reeled me in with sex and telling me that once a week is okay. Now that we are settled, she finally tells me the truth
Dude, there is your answer, staring you in the face, right from the horse's mouth, so to speak.
I would invite her to pack her bags and move out. Efforts to salvage this junk relationship are better redirected to finding a more compatible partner.
Answer the questions about your living together. And the time frame.
Kinda hard to take you seriously, dude.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
