Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Why don't you just get a divorce??Regardless of having children and worrying about the cost....just DO IT!!! Being miserable will cost you a lot MORE then you realize!! He doesn't appreciate you and just using you as a sounding board for his day.Also since he doesn't sound like someone would go to counseling...move forward and get away from this negative man.
Nothing she has said indicates he doesn't appreciate her. She mentions that he's thoughtless at times. Like helping with the groceries.
But OP would prefer to be the martyr and do it herself, to prove she's married to a nitwit. Poor her.
Why she can't say "Hey hon, before you go in the house, can you help me with the groceries?" I don't know. I doubt he's such a jerk that he would say "Nope. Not going to help."
OP, at this point, you're using your husband. You'd rather talk bad about him to a bunch of strangers, than do anything to fix the situation. Anything at all.
I am sitting here at the kitchen table knowing that in about an hour my husband will be home from work. I dread it.
He will come home and then for HOURS I will hear about every single thing, even in the most minute detail, that happened that day.
Every conversation, every event. How long someone was gone to the bathroom. For hours. LITERALLY. I am not joking. FOR HOURS. Even worse, tomorrow morning, before I have had my first sip of coffee he will start it all over again. And I will hear for a second time, everything that happened.
Of course, he never asks me how my day went. Except to interrogate me about my whereabouts. Never. It's always about him, his thoughts, his feelings, his ideas. HIS INJUSTICES. (everyone he works with is an arsehole,you know). I dread every single day.
If I tell him I want to talk about something else other than his day, his job, his experiences, his opinions about EVERYTHING. He immediately gives me the silent treatment and will not talk to me for the rest of the night. Even ignoring my attempts to communicate. Even if I ask questions.
I really cannot stand my life.
I had one of these. Ex GF came home and ran straight to fridge for beer. Then, in on how bad her job was, stupid coworkers were, etc etc. But, let me show signs of a bad day and i was ridiculed. Oh, you have a bad day every day she would say. Then my favorite....you don't know what a bad day is. You should have my job. Got that i dreaded going home and couldn't wait to go to work to get out of the house and away from her. I feel your pain.
I'm male and I happen to do fine alone, but I was married to someone very much like your husband. And the thing that kept me around for the last 4 or 5 years of fun was our lives being so enmeshed. Breaking all those ties was actually a bit painful and very tedious, but I felt like my efforts were headed in a good direction.
In my marriage I worked really hard to tread water. In my breakup I worked really hard to swim to shore, and I made it.
It is hard but you are unable to see the benefits of leaving, just have to trust it will work out.....
until you are on the other side, THEN you'll wish you'd done it sooner
20, what you describe, sounds like what I would call the "OK years" of my own marriage. I've already said plenty about how bad it got at the end. But from 1999 to sometime in 2014 or so, we got by...but the interrogating about my whereabouts, check. The nonstop monologues, check. (Only difference was, mine was also into a computer game, so he wouldn't continue talking if he was on the computer with headphones, playing MechWarrior. The sound of his voice would be replaced by the dim sound of gunfire and his weird heavy breathing while he played.) I also felt that he was unavailable when I really could have used some help. And let me guess, if you ask, he will help you, but you'll get a heap of bad attitude while he does it? Or he'll do the task badly so you don't ask again, or maybe if you ask him to do something FOR you that needs done, he'll demand you come help but what he really wants is for you to stand there and listen to him talk while he does the thing? Any of which has the effect of, "My god dude I'm sorry I ever asked. I need to remember how this went, next time I think to ask you for anything."
I used to spend every morning while in the shower, or commuting to work (auto pilot activities, mentally) fantasizing about living a life some day by myself. I admit, I thought it would only happen when one day he died (since he was somewhat older than I, and since he takes awful care of himself.) And it did not make me feel like a good person one bit that I was essentially fantasizing about his death, or at least a world without him in it.
I would have a small home, full of color and sunshine and nice music. With a cat, who would challenge my desire to do jigsaw puzzles, with his cat antics. I'd make art and drink tea and be so happy. My imaginary home smelled like oranges and tea and cinnamon, and you could hear windchimes and the breeze in the nearby trees, and I might even hang a hammock. In the living room! Why not? I had this whole mental escape.
And you know, if you recall things I've said, it took him really going bananas and lots of pretty severe bad behavior for me to finally go. I thought I was waiting until our financial picture was more comfortable. When I finally cut my losses and left, it was far, far worse. Sticking around did not really serve me. I now wish I'd left some 2-3 years earlier at the least.
But I did get out. I took the small first step of getting a storage unit, and I started putting my own things in there where they were away from him, and safe. Eventually got an apartment. It wasn't big, but it was nice. I decorated it how I liked, and made it feel like home. I got to hear my chimes and the wind in the trees and watch the sunbeams in peace with my cat. And in a fairly short time, I found someone new to make a life with. We're very happy.
You could do this, too. I hope you will not wait until it gets very bad, worse than normal, to save yourself from this life.
I am sitting here at the kitchen table knowing that in about an hour my husband will be home from work. I dread it.
He will come home and then for HOURS I will hear about every single thing, even in the most minute detail, that happened that day.
Every conversation, every event. How long someone was gone to the bathroom. For hours. LITERALLY. I am not joking. FOR HOURS. Even worse, tomorrow morning, before I have had my first sip of coffee he will start it all over again. And I will hear for a second time, everything that happened.
Of course, he never asks me how my day went. Except to interrogate me about my whereabouts. Never. It's always about him, his thoughts, his feelings, his ideas. HIS INJUSTICES. (everyone he works with is an arsehole,you know). I dread every single day.
If I tell him I want to talk about something else other than his day, his job, his experiences, his opinions about EVERYTHING. He immediately gives me the silent treatment and will not talk to me for the rest of the night. Even ignoring my attempts to communicate. Even if I ask questions.
I really cannot stand my life.
Good lord that sounds awful. Not sure what to say that hasn't already been said. I know sometimes people just need to vent, I get that too.
Sheesh. I sometimes come home from work MAJORLY cranky, mostly from traffic beating my ass. I have to use this as a reminder to not go off the deep end on Mrs. Chow. I know sometimes people can get on each others nerves but the way the OP is spelled out sounds really pretty rough to deal with on a day to day basis.
Like I said I can't add much to the convo based on what I've skimmed over here.
It was in response to:
"20yrsinBranson - ... Blames me for it saying that "I asked" (because I usually greet him when he comes home, duh, with something like, Hi honey how was your day?) It is a simple greeting, not something that I intend to last for 6+ Hours."
If her greeting is seen as starting all of this, by changing the greeting there would be a different aftermath.
It was in response to:
"20yrsinBranson - ... Blames me for it saying that "I asked" (because I usually greet him when he comes home, duh, with something like, Hi honey how was your day?) It is a simple greeting, not something that I intend to last for 6+ Hours."
If her greeting is seen as starting all of this, by changing the greeting there would be a different aftermath.
It was in response to:
"20yrsinBranson - ... Blames me for it saying that "I asked" (because I usually greet him when he comes home, duh, with something like, Hi honey how was your day?) It is a simple greeting, not something that I intend to last for 6+ Hours."
If her greeting is seen as starting all of this, by changing the greeting there would be a different aftermath.
He will come home and then for HOURS I will hear about every single thing, even in the most minute detail, that happened that day.
Of course, he never asks me how my day went.
When there is a lull in the conversation (if that happens), say "why don't you ask me how my day was?" And if he obliges, you could say "Well, I just had to listen to you vent yet again for more hours than you work in a day. And... that's about it."
Ok, maybe that wouldn't be constructive.
I've found myself at times sort of doing what I think others here have accused you of. I'm not sure if they are right or not, but a few times I find myself being the "martyr." Let's say I come home with the groceries and my wife doesn't offer to help. Maybe I had a bad day. Maybe I'll grumble about it and be passive aggressive that she isn't offering to help.
However, I find that communication is always best. Last time I did my martyrdom nonsense, I was about to call out my wife. "Hey, you know I just came home with all these groceries. You know that I have to XYZ immediately afterwards - yet here I am.. all alone doing this myself!"
Yet, it turns out she was busy taking care of some school-related thing for the kids that had to be done right then.
Other times, it could simply be that in our relationship, maybe my wife sees me putting away the groceries myself as "my job" just as, for the most part, she does the laundry. At times I help... but not all the time. Maybe I find something to do instead to look busy Or maybe I really do find something else to do at that time that is important. Maybe I subconsciously see laundry as "her job." She's been doing it forever. I've done some laundry myself in the past. But, it is mostly her doing it.
Honestly, if she spoke up (and she has) and says "Hey, can you help me fold all this laundry?" I'd do it. Every time. Often I help without asking, but sometimes I don't. She doesn't even need to say "Can you help? I had a long day." I don't need the excuse. I'll just do it.
I don't know what is going on in your situation exactly. I've been together with my wife for 18 years. It might be a matter of speaking up and getting the lines of communication going.
If you both give 100% expecting 0% in return, you might be happier. Of course, it wouldn't hurt if he reciprocated.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I know sometimes people can get on each others nerves but the way the OP is spelled out sounds really pretty rough to deal with on a day to day basis. 
Or maybe I really do find something else to do at that time that is important. Maybe I subconsciously see laundry as "her job." She's been doing it forever. I've done some laundry myself in the past. But, it is mostly her doing it.
