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Responsible - Would be Choosing a non-Bi-Polar Man to be the Father of her children
Stable - Would be coming to you long after she has resolved these issues with said Bi-polar Baby Daddy and has sufficiently defined boundaries with him. Most times this doesn't happen until the child turns 12 and then the child becomes the demon middle man in the relationship. The headache just never ends.
Loving and Excellent Mother - Part of being a great Mom is CHOOSING THE RIGHT FATHER
My mother and father did not work out. However, unlike today's divorces it was not because they chose irresponsible partner. It was because their personality was not compatible long term. They were fine parents just not compatible for each other in the long run I guess.
Today's splits are dumb stuff. Like "I got tired of him farting in bed at night" or "She just got too crazy", "My mother in law was too much". This is stuff you could have determined long before you got married OR had kids. My Dad actually knew my Grandmother before he even met my Mother. That is how it was back then. Now you have just random hook-ups, oops baby and then meet the relatives after the child was born. Order of operations is all wrong and people wonder why this society is nuts and falling apart.
She didn’t choose for him to be the father, like I said it was an accident. It happens in life. I was the product of an accident, and I have the best mother I could ever dream of. It doesn’t mean you can’t be an excellent mother because you got pregnant by the wrong guy.
Yes, technically she could’ve waited things out a bit longer before dating, but as I mentioned, they seemed to be on good enough grounds that there wasn’t a lot of drama until lately. Honestly, it’s not like they’re at constant war - but this child support thing is a problem for her.
Your estimation of things doesn’t seem to leave much room for people making mistakes, inherent drama in life, problems that come up, or any imperfection in things. I’m glad you found yourself a perfect wife, but in reality things aren’t always so neat and easy. To me, something isn’t so disposable because of an imperfection.
That's because it's an insular viewpoint based on naive self-satisfaction. It's common these days. Let life give him a few more years and trials.
I'll let everyone else do the trials and tribulations.
When my parents sat me down at age 12 and showed me the implications of sticking my johnson in the wrong hole (went to see second cousins in the ghetto) they simply asked "Is this how you want to live your life?" I said No, and that was that.
If you don't like my "No Baby Momma Drama" approach then take that up with both my Mother and my Grandmother who said if you bring home a Woman with that kind of trouble you're disowned.
...so I went ahead and gave her space. I waited 2 1/2 weeks and just followed up with a quick “how are you doing, thinking of you” text. Just a check-in. That was 3 days ago, and no response. At this point I feel that is really mean to not even pay me the courtesy of letting me know what’s up, if she wants to end the relationship or whatever. I really just don’t understand why she wouldn’t even respond and just disappear. I know she had a lot going on, but it’s not hard to send a quick response. Again, there was no indication anything was wrong before this, or any evidence of her behaving this way.
Your estimation of things doesn’t seem to leave much room for people making mistakes, inherent drama in life, problems that come up, or any imperfection in things. I’m glad you found yourself a perfect wife, but in reality things aren’t always so neat and easy. To me, something isn’t so disposable because of an imperfection.
I don't think it's a matter of finding perfection. It's more a matter of a person wanting to get into a relationship so badly that they are willing to tolerate lots of drama and third party drama and stresses that makes the very beginning of the relationship-- the part that is supposed to be the best-- full of uncertainty, stress and confusion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackSwan
Update:
...so I went ahead and gave her space. I waited 2 1/2 weeks and just followed up with a quick “how are you doing, thinking of you” text. Just a check-in. That was 3 days ago, and no response. At this point I feel that is really mean to not even pay me the courtesy of letting me know what’s up, if she wants to end the relationship or whatever. I really just don’t understand why she wouldn’t even respond and just disappear. I know she had a lot going on, but it’s not hard to send a quick response. Again, there was no indication anything was wrong before this, or any evidence of her behaving this way.
Any insights on what’s going on?
She did let you know that wants to end the relationship: by ignoring you. Judging by the posts on this board, ghosting seems to be the way a lot of people deal with ending relationships today. Once they can no longer be bothered they go poof. No response, no consideration for the other person. That response, or lack of, is reason enough to walk away from this one.
Last edited by cleasach; 07-21-2018 at 09:52 AM..
Reason: fixed an error
...so I went ahead and gave her space. I waited 2 1/2 weeks and just followed up with a quick “how are you doing, thinking of you” text. Just a check-in. That was 3 days ago, and no response. At this point I feel that is really mean to not even pay me the courtesy of letting me know what’s up, if she wants to end the relationship or whatever. I really just don’t understand why she wouldn’t even respond and just disappear. I know she had a lot going on, but it’s not hard to send a quick response. Again, there was no indication anything was wrong before this, or any evidence of her behaving this way.
Any insights on what’s going on?
This is sad. Thanks for the update, but--sad. I wouldn't want to eve begin to speculate as to what could be the issue, because we simply don't know her. We can't read her thoughts. All you can do is work on moving on, and once you've licked your wounds, figure it was probably for the best. No matter how well you two got along initially, it seems she's not the right person for you. I don't see that there's anything more you can do.
I wouldn't say unwanted, unplanned yes, but accidents happen.
Accidents happen? Like forgetting to use birth control? That is not an accident. That is carelessness to the point of stupidity. She accidentally caused a human life, and considering statistics that baby may not have a father in his/her life, at best a father surrogate.
Sorry, I have a low opinion of fertile people who have sex without protection unless they intend to have a child.
Which reminds me... Are you and she using birth control 100% of the time? Because if not you are likely to become a father yourself, and surrogate father to her child.
You too may end up in child support court too one day soon.
I haven’t asked about her summer pay situation, but from what she did say - she would be able to take money out of 401k or something if necessary.
In personal finance, that is known as a totally crazy thing to do. Not only would she be gutting her retirement plan, but she'd have to pay taxes on any money taken out of her 401k. Instead, if a loan is required at all she should seek other funding.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackSwan
...so I went ahead and gave her space. I waited 2 1/2 weeks and just followed up with a quick “how are you doing, thinking of you” text. Just a check-in. That was 3 days ago, and no response. At this point I feel that is really mean to not even pay me the courtesy of letting me know what’s up, if she wants to end the relationship or whatever. I really just don’t understand why she wouldn’t even respond and just disappear. I know she had a lot going on, but it’s not hard to send a quick response. Again, there was no indication anything was wrong before this, or any evidence of her behaving this way.
Any insights on what’s going on?
It appears to me she ghosted you. You might try a phone call, which likely will go to voice mail. If she doesn't call you back then ghosting is likely.
Considering the closeness of your relationship I think that 2-1/2 weeks was too long. I would have suggested a week.
On the other hand maybe 2-1/2 weeks gave her enough sanity to change her mind about the relationship, which I guess ties in with ghosting.
Last edited by Lovehound; 07-21-2018 at 11:41 AM..
Accidents happen? Like forgetting to use birth control? That is not an accident. That is carelessness to the point of stupidity. She accidentally caused a human life, and considering statistics that baby may not have a father in his/her life, at best a father surrogate.
Sorry, I have a low opinion of fertile people who have sex without protection unless they intend to have a child.
Which reminds me... Are you and she using birth control 100% of the time? Because if not you are likely to become a father yourself, and surrogate father to her child.
You too may end up in child support court too one day soon.
In personal finance, that is known as a totally crazy thing to do. Not only would she be gutting her retirement plan, but she'd have to pay taxes on any money taken out of her 401k. Instead, if a loan is required at all she should seek other funding.
It appears to me she ghosted you. You might try a phone call, which likely will go to voice mail. If she doesn't call you back then ghosting is likely.
Considering the closeness of your relationship I think that 2-1/2 weeks was too long. I would have suggested a week.
On the other hand maybe 2-1/2 weeks gave her enough sanity to change her mind about the relationship, which I guess ties in with ghosting.
The way it left off I told her when she was ready to talk, I would be there. She didn’t respond. And she didn’t respond on the follow up. It’s weird because ghosting is something you do in High School or maybe a new relationship, not one where you were very close over 7 months.
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