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So he is working two jobs to get you guys out of debt..... how did the debt happen and why didn't you do something to contribute financially?
This, pretty much.
How did the debt happen? So far, we've gotten "iPad" and "vacation". The debt likely happened the old fashioned way... They spent more than they earned.
They had enough debt that the guy felt compelled to go out and work a second job. The guy has massive stress. It sounds like they're not particularly high income given the grammar errors. The OP isn't contributing a dime to household income. That's pretty unusual in 2018.
I figure the most likely outcome of a divorce is the OP lands in abject poverty. 3 kids. No job skills. The ex-husband no longer feels compelled to work two jobs. If they own a house, that vaporizes. In this case, you want to address the issues, not launch on a path to a divorce. It sounds like money is the big issue in this marriage. Get a freakin' part time job, upgrade your education, and get counseling. The alternative probably isn't very attractive. This isn't a high income household where she gets to stay in the house with a big monthly alimony and child support check.
I want to seperate from my husband of 12 years. We have 3 kids-I have always been a stay at home mom . He has a temper and curses a lot lately and even throws things at times. Him and our 11 year old who has mild adhd constantly argue. I see all 3 kids picking up on his bad habits and I cannot take it anymore. I’ve never researched any of this because I never in a million years thought I would be in this situation. How does separating work when one parent is a full time stay at home parent ? Who moves out and where do they go when your really tight on money ? Who pays the bills during the separation ? How do you decide on who sees the Kids times/days? Any advice/help is appreciated. I have no money so I can’t go to a lawyer right now.
Better to figure out a way to make it work rather than a separation - for the kids sake as well as financially
I wouldn’t say it’s because of the sexual needs . We have never had issues in that part of our relationship (that I know of anyway) We get along great minus his temper with the kids . He can’t deal with them not listening to him (which I admit our 11 year old can get out of hand quick ) but I cannot get through to him how his temper plays a big part in all this dysfunction we have going on in our family. He is constantly on our oldest about everything . I don’t know what else to do but leave . There is no doubt he will lose his mind. He will be in shock since we are high school sweethearts and he comes from a divorced family and has always made it clear to me how he won’t get divorced. If I tell him to leave I know he will but I want to make sure that’s my only option first. If it wasn’t for this temper issue I would never be considering this . Does it ever become 100% clear that you need to divorce? I’m just so back and forth on it.
May be time to make some demands. One is contacting someone for anger management issues. You can't say it's not affordable because separating is going to be a lot more unaffordable.
If child care wouldn't be needed it would probably help for you to be the one with the second job so to take some of the pressure off him.
I f he won't agree to make some or any changes, then you might have to separate.
When was the last time your husband had a checkup with his doctor? If you combine the financial stress, working two jobs and flying off the handle at the least little thing he may have uncontrolled high blood pressure.
I lived through this with my mother when I was a teenager. Even though she had been a nurse she did not recognize the signs. My father finally insisted she see the doctor for a checkup. She was 45 at the time and her blood pressure was 200+/100. Once she was on medication it was the difference between night and day. She lived to be 81. My siblings and I still remember the 2 years before she finally got her blood pressure under control. She had no clue at the time how bad it was for the family during those two years. It was only after she got the blood pressure under control that she was able to recognize how it had impacted everyone around her.
Do you honestly think your kids will be better off with no father (or no mother, on the off chance he gets custody) than an imperfect one?
Which is not to say the anger issue doesn't need to be dealt with somehow; it does. If things getting worse predates the second job, you should encourage him to try therapy to develop better anger management techniques. If the second job and constant exhaustion is the stressor causing things to get much worse (people are not at their best when tired 24/7) have you considered filing for bankruptcy or finding work yourself (assuming you can find childcare or the oldest is old enough to babysit the younger two; if you split you'll have to do this eventually anyway since you'll need a source of income) so he doesn't have to pick up so many hours?
edit: going to repeat / hammer on this because it sounds like it could be a really big underlying stressor which is making what would otherwise be a manageable personality flaw acutely intolerable - how large is the debt absolutely and relative to your income? If it's really large, why are you not filing for bankruptcy (and then cutting up the credit cards afterward)? If it's small, why are you not having an honest conversation with your husband that you cannot tolerate what the constant exhaustion is doing to him and his behavior and that you'll find another way to deal with it (by cutting back spending or you looking to pick some work up yourself - give it some thought as to how you'd tackle it), even if it takes longer.
I don’t think they would be better off without him BUT I think the rage/temper has to stop . He’s torn down bedroom doors , thrown many things and even broken windows. If he gets angry in the car he has road rage which puts all our lives in danger . The only debt we have is basics-house, car, two small credit cards . Nothing extreme at all. He’s adamant about having our home and vehicle paid off within the next 10 years. I would say the biggest stressor on him is our oldest. He has mild adhd which my husband refuses to let me medicated him for . He’s in denial . Our son refuses to listen to us, back talks, acts very entitled and doesn’t pick up on social cues-he’s hard to handle but that’s our job. My husband and him used to be best buddies-now they have no relationship. I’ve tried to get him to go to anger management many times-I even booked him a set of appointments about a year ago and he never showed up . He admits he has a problem but always has a “reason” why it’s ok- our son wouldn’t listen, no one cares what he says, he’s tired, doesn’t feel well and on and on. My goal in the separation isn’t to divorce-it’s the only way I know to get him out and make him realize he has a serious problem that HAS to be dealt with. If I don’t mention separation it will be the same thing as always-I’ll try to do better and so on. The money issue-I have no problem getting a job once our youngest is in school-actually I cannot wait to get out of this stay at home mom mess. I cannot understand why my husband refuses anger management . I know he’s embarrassed about this but he’s going to lose his whole family .
When was the last time your husband had a checkup with his doctor? If you combine the financial stress, working two jobs and flying off the handle at the least little thing he may have uncontrolled high blood pressure.
I lived through this with my mother when I was a teenager. Even though she had been a nurse she did not recognize the signs. My father finally insisted she see the doctor for a checkup. She was 45 at the time and her blood pressure was 200+/100. Once she was on medication it was the difference between night and day. She lived to be 81. My siblings and I still remember the 2 years before she finally got her blood pressure under control. She had no clue at the time how bad it was for the family during those two years. It was only after she got the blood pressure under control that she was able to recognize how it had impacted everyone around her.
It’s been atleast 2 years. I’m on him alot about this because the last time he went in he had high blood pressure and wouldn’t take the medicine for it . He’s just tried to eat better thinking that will help it . I bought him a machine that sits right next to our bed to check it daily and I have never seen him use it . I’ll try to convince him to go get blood work done .
Last edited by Morgan2018; 07-04-2018 at 07:15 AM..
A trial separation and counseling for everyone. Make it clear that if he refuses to go for counseling (both separately and as a couple) that the separation will be permanent. In the meantime you should get some therapy for yourself and work on making a plan and finding a job. You and the kids shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and you don't want your kids thinking this is acceptable and normal behavior.
.... He’s torn down bedroom doors , thrown many things and even broken windows. If he gets angry in the car he has road rage which puts all our lives in danger ....
Yea that's too much. Two jobs + high blood pressure aren't helping, but that's too much.
The money issue-I have no problem getting a job once our youngest is in school-actually I cannot wait to get out of this stay at home mom mess. I cannot understand why my husband refuses anger management . I know he’s embarrassed about this but he’s going to lose his whole family .
Your husband's full time job has him out of the house 40 hours per week. That leaves easily 100+ hours per week when he's home and you could work at least part time.
My take is that anger is the way this guy reacts to stress. I don't see what you're doing to reduce the stress. If you want to peg the stress meter, start talking about divorce.
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