Dating a guy 47yo who still lives at home with mom

[RuralDweller]

Originally Posted by jencam

How do you know? Doesn't the lady need to be in agreement with this? It's rude and presumptuous to invite oneself over to spend the night

No such thing even occurred
Read the ops posts
This is an adult couple who are dating -and-
involved in an intimate relationship.
They discussed the location of where intimacy would take place, nothing more.
He had a logical suggestion, it occur at her house next time asking what she thinks of it.
He even kindly offered to cook dinner at her house,
another sweet gesture
yet not sweet enough for her.
This lady has issues, it is clear
She is being treated very well
yet conjurs up a problem at every opportunity
Where normal people would be appreciative
This is what i see too often regarding divorced people
and those that are sleeping with multiple people in just a year
Hence my post asking if this describes particular people here,
because when someone is kind to you
and you instead get annoyed, uncomfortable, offended, whatever,
this is of a seriously a very angry person.
one often with a history of not bonding
I don't even want to guess if they messed around at his house
She's really into his looks and figure
Like a teenager would be


He's already had her over for dinner and she was uncomfortable
despite the op admitting the mother...was kind to her.
where-ever location they messed around
It doesn't matter.
Discussions about future intimacy, suggestions, are expected.

http://www.city-data.com/forum/53048093-post8.html
"He asked if he can cook me dinner at my place this weekend, and stay overnight. Up until this point we haven't had sex. Just some fooling around. As much as I am attracted to him and enjoy his company, and I am also not comfortable with this"

If he is being respectful of his mother by not having a lady stay over sure that is nice but it's also another strike against him.

It's 2018, not the 1950's. Highly unlikely.

He isn't able to live as a fully functional adult.

um, now you've gone off the deep end
This is an adult male
holding a computer programming job
handsome
keeps himself fit
Is health conscious shopping at a chain health food store (very expensive chain, by the way)
He is kind to her as is his mother.
He was kind to the Op having her over for dinner.
He has no failed marriages
He has no illegitimate children
This is not my Aunt Sandra diagnosed with Downs Syndrome who IS not able to live "as a fully functioning adult"
Mod cut.

And she might not allow him to. My mother or father certainly would NOT. A place to have SEX is one of the motivators for most people to leave their parent's house!

We do not know this and this isn't the 1950;s
We do know the op couldn't even handle feeling comfortable having dinner there.

It's not a good place to bring her

It's logical they be intimate at her house since she is the one having so many personal issues.

1. She cannot even handle dinner at his house despite both mom and son, treating her very kind. She called the mom, KIND. So she was treated with kindness.
2. She is "shocked" he lives with his mother.
3. She actually complained that he hasn't had a failed marriage.
she wants someone to have to have endured this trauma?
http://www.city-data.com/forum/53048111-post10.html
4. And finally, she is "uncomfortable" he made the logical suggestion they spend the next escapade at her house. He is even going to provide her a nice dinner by cooking it himself!!
5. She is "annoyed" his mom does his laundry.
This is a real doozie.

We need to be kind in order to maintain a loving, stable, committed relationship.
We do not keep dating someone because they are good looking and charming
Mess around with them when your only interest is superficial
Eventually people get old and wrinkly
We need to care about people on the inside
at some point, well before age 35,
you'd think someone would grow up a little
Stop viewing people's flesh as something to gratify their own desires

Mod cut.

[personone]

The OP already knew the answer to her question before posting if this is a true story. Obviously there are plenty of red flags based on what you described. Although, in a general sense, as someone else mentioned, someone living with their mom at that age is not automatically weird. If the mom is living with him at his house because he is caring for her, that is different, perfectly understandable and honorable, even if it does cramp the dating life. If he is living with his mom at her house or the house he grew up in and the mother is cooking meals/etc, then obviously that is weird and those are huge red flags.

[kevxu]

Originally Posted by vamfury1

Hello,

I need some advice regarding a guy that I just recently started dating that I met at Whole foods. He is 47yo, and I am 35yo. I've been single for awhile (6 months) before meeting, and I decided to accept an invitation from him to meet up for coffee. He approached me while I was shopping. He is quite handsome, tall, and in nice shape. On our first date at a coffee shop, I felt very comfortable with him, and we had really nice chemistry. He seems very charming and a good conversationist. On our second date, I was surprised to find out that he still lives home with his mom, and doesnt even have a car. He says he works from home on his laptop doing IT consulting work part-time. I found this to be a bit strange living at home at this age. He invited me to his home this past weekend to watch a movie, and have dinner. He had his mom cook dinner for us. She seems like a sweet lady, but I just felt really akward being there with her around. He even mentioned that his mom does his laundry, and I was shocked, and a bit annoyed at this. At this point I'm not sure if I want to continue on with this or jump ship. He doesnt seem to be a guy who seem to have his life together, nor has the motivation to better himself. He even mentioned that he plays a lot of video games in his free time, at 47!! . I don't know maybe I'm overthinking this. Any advice from the ladies out there on whether I am overreacting here, or would these raise a lot of red flags? To be honest if he wasnt so handsome, and charming, I'd probably wouldnt have hung out with him past the second date.

Thanks,
Vanessa

I'm a guy, but let's assume your sexism was unintentional when you asked for advice.

Your post puts him in a negative light, but you don't really supply any info that allows the reader to hang, draw and quarter him.

Is he financially independent of Mom? Does he support her, pay the expenses of the house, the taxes, etc.? Do they split expenses? Does she support him?

As for his laundry....a big so friggin' what. Mom is doing laundry, so she does his stuff. Why is this a problem for you? Your "annoyance" borders on arrogance.

You have had dates with this man, are you so desperate that you were already making him a candidate for something else? Why not have a couple of more dates...if you still have your problems, drop him.

I think if Mom was around for more than dinner and a casual post-dinner chat, any woman should get bad vibes. It's only date #2 and family should not be a major part of date time nearly this early.

The red lights are obvious: they flashing all over you. Do him a favor and say bye-bye and you move on to Mr. Right.

[elnina]

Originally Posted by Stockyman

IMO women would rather go out with a serial player than a man-child living at home. It is probably one of the highest if not the highest turn-off for a woman. Most don't want a momma's boy. Not saying it's good or bad just that it's a woman repellant.

But, who said that this guy will live with his mother forever? Maybe after he finds a suitable partner he will move out and live nearby to check on his mom as needed. We don't know if his part time job is just temporary, he might get full time after his living situation changes. Those are all questions we speculate on. Not sure if OP is interested enough to find out, but I would give it a shot. Why dismiss a potential after two dates?

I also agree that asking a woman to cook for her and then overnight was a bit premature, but who knows maybe he just felt really connected and comfortable with OP and didn't think much about the convenances. Some women maybe wouldn't mind. Other would even pay for a hotel to spend a night with a guy (current thread on this forum). Maybe great cooking is one of his assets and he wanted to show off, and also prove that while his mom cooks for whatever reason, he also can shop, and is not depended on her cooking.
Who knows what other values he has. Perhaps he can fix things, help with house chores, isn't a spender, and is a great companion. Time to check if they are also compatible in bed...
Good way to learn about each other.
However if that was too fast or inappropriate to her, she could just give him a raincheck for later and suggest to meet in public. Most likely he would understand.

[RbccL]

Working part time. This indicates he's not saving up for a house, and he's had a few decades to do that...he's making 1/2 as much as a person in that position working full time. What else does he do with his time?

If society looks down on a middle-aged man still living with his mom, in her house (her house, he grew up there, I doubt if his name's on the title) my opinion would be it's because there seems to be a lack of ambition and responsibility presented.

We don't know all the details, no, but given what's presented it's more logical than assuming he's a very prosperous go-getter.

By reading the posts, a lot of women would pass on that, a couple accept it. Enthusiastically! "Hes hot and goes to Whole Foods!" Isn't having an opinion based on those "qualties" more superficial than frowning on his living situation? Given the amount of times whole foods has been mentioned, one would wonder if there's a sponsor for this thread. It seems the critisms are more aimed at the other posters who gave their opinion, when asked, than the lifestyle choice of the threads subject.

There's only so many ways to answer the OP, really, would you or wouldn't you, that's all. So much emotion, it's puzzling to read.

[Chowhound]

Mod cut: Off-topic.

90% of people here on this thread are saying that this guy, living in American culture, not old world Europe where the social and customary norms here are for people to strike out on their own, this guy isn't following that path. That is an undeniable fact. Probably one of the few facts in this thread. Like I said before people are doing mental gymnastics in some attempt to justify this guy's lifestyle as being normal.

Guess what, look up the definition of "normal" and this guy isn't doing that. That's not an insult, that alone isn't. If he wants to live that way, fine. Just don't be surprised when most people might not want to date a man living that lifestyle. It's raising flags for the OP, and it probably would for most women here living in Amerce growing up under our cultural "norms" I can't believe I have to spell that out. It was the first thing that pops into your head, either consciously or unconsciously, "jeez, this guy is living a bit differently" is probably a thought that occurs to most people reading the OP.

I never insulted him beyond calling him a man-child, which really isn't an insult, but more of an accurate observation because when you live at home at 47, have you mom do cooking and your laundry, I mean, what other way is there to describe that???

Again, all this wraps up under the guise of social norms and patterns of operating living here in the USA. Can we put that part to bed already???

If someone doesn't want to sorta go that typical standard route, fine. Just don't expect your dating pool to be the same as people who tend to follow more typical patterns of behavior.

Hello, Is this thing on????

Is calling the guy as loser and other things mean spirited, yeah, a bit, I won't deny that in the interest of being intellectually honest.

[Lovehound]

Originally Posted by elnina

Well, I wish OP would come back and add few so needed details...

Originally Posted by vamfury1

Thats seems like a good idea but not sure how to do that. I know I asked if he drank, and he said he drinks socially, and smokes pot "some times". The last guy I dated was a drunk.

FWIW, the above post #31 was the last time OP posted, and was OP's last activity. That was 1 day and 20 hours ago. I think the chances are declining that the OP will return. Also note new account, and just 5 posts all in this current topic. That's an often seen signature that the person isn't coming back.

[PJSaturn]

Closed for cleanup. *sigh*