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IMO, good communication needs to happen from the start - not just after a serious relationship has developed. Good communication is one of the keys to building the foundation of any relationship.
I don't understand why people are so resistant to telling someone how they're feeling or what they're thinking.You can bump uglies with someone yet you can't say "I would like it if you showed more initiative in planning dates or reaching out to me. It would show me that you're interested in seeing where this might go".
If you like this girl, give her a chance to give you what you want by telling her what you want. Otherwise, you can fully expect this to fizzle out. Frankly, what do you have to lose at this point?
Because "dating coaches" (who have no proof whatsoever that they themselves are ever successful with the opposite sex) say you're "not in control" that way.
They make it a women v. men thing, with one person "having" to be on top and the other person being interested because of that, not because she legitimately is into the guy as a person. It makes women not only evil but stupid, because we don't actually know what we want and when we do say we want something, we're just liars. Then as soon as a guy shows interest, we see him as weak, beta and we are disgusted and run away. We punish the "good guys" (the manipulative, game-playing, woman-distrusting good guys) this way...so we're not to be trusted, only to be worked.
Of course, NONE of this is borne out through millions of years of human beings showing one another real interest. But that doesn't matter to the dating coach devotee, who wants to be a Real ManTM somehow and wave a hand and have his woman follow whatever he does. Which in itself shows how much he just doesn't really like women to begin with.
This can all be supported by manipulating a situation to get it to conform with these beliefs. So in other words, the OP is doing this right now. He's pulled back and changed his own script he created in the beginning, and now she's getting cold. But he is able to turn that around and say: "See? I knew if she wasn't over-eager from the beginning and the one doing the chasing, then she wasn't really interested. My proof is: now she's not interested." Ummm???
It's all based on confirmation bias, mistrust, and a wish to dominate rather than share.
The OP claims he is rather "meh" about all this anyway. Another PUA method, act cool, all the time, and never act like the girl is one's only option. EXCEPT the fact that he reached out to hundreds of strangers for help, which totally undoes that facade.
It's just silly...and it only garners even more mistrust of women. It feeds on itself and is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's kind of painful to watch.
Luckily, *most* guys really aren't like this, and don't have to resort to dating "coaches" in this way. We all feel our way around the dating game, but for the most part, people do hook up, and stay hooked up, WHILE telling each other - frequently - how into each other they are. But that minority that doesn't, always seems to make its way here, to CDR, to be coached by other bitter dudes. Lather, rinse, repeat.
TL : DR - OP, if it doesn't matter that much and so on, then good, you have your answers (you've decided only the ones that match your dating coaches' advice are legitimate anyway...so this was all rather a weird exercise), and you can just move forward. She's as good as gone now that you're ignoring her; better luck with the next one. And the next. This is all just SILLY, why did you even ask? You already know what you wanted to think, and what you wanted to be "told" to do. Since it's really not such a big deal to you, I'll assume you won't be back for at least a few days to even bother to check on this thread; I won't be offended that you aren't able to answer immediately due to that. Good luck and hope your relationships turn out the way you want them to. This one is over and done, probably.
I’m not trying to but those have been my own experiences so how can I not believe them? I’ve had three long relationships and all of them they came to me at their pace and then i told them how I feel
About it all. I’m teying to be open minded to others opinions and thoughts so I can gather some type of consensus but this forum is still split so it seems.
And these were successful, happy relationships? Everybody was happy?
When you say "came to (you) at their own pace," do you mean you suddenly began ignoring them after having texted a lot, as you're trying with this girl? Or do you mean you were into it but didn't push or force?
And these were successful, happy relationships? Everybody was happy?
When you say "came to (you) at their own pace," do you mean you suddenly began ignoring them after having texted a lot, as you're trying with this girl? Or do you mean you were into it but didn't push or force?
I’m saying I was into but didn’t force or push. The pendulum was even and effort and communication was had on both sides and we both showed affection and open communication. Maybe the real answer is this girl is not that type of person and there are alotnof people here thinking I’m playing games now or taking the advice of dating coaches just because I mentioned it in one comment. I’m not a game player I’m just not ready to let this one go Until I know forsure and was/an teying to gather consensus from others in here while expressing my own thoughts and opinions. I’m not ignoring her for the record either, im simply reaching out and getting colder responses than in the beginning. I have yet to ask her out again but not because of a game just because of work life but I will soon. It’s clear to me that casual conversation between dates is not working or notnher thing. And for the record those previous relationships were good and ended pretty amicable just two people growIn apart and no longer compatible really.
. I have yet to ask her out again but not because of a game just because of work life but I will soon. It’s clear to me that casual conversation between dates is not working or notnher thing. .
Casual conversation or just "How are ya'?"
Have to told her that you haven't asked to see her again yet because of work or just let her wonder why or even if?
Yes only women need to be genuine and express themselves, not men. Ok
Most women's advice on this forum primarily benefits women. Whether that's the intention or not I can't tell. But that's what's going on.
Since men are often the ones who have to pursue, we have a built-in disadvantage from the start. For that reason, my advice for men is a little different. Sue me.
Because "dating coaches" (who have no proof whatsoever that they themselves are ever successful with the opposite sex) say you're "not in control" that way.
They make it a women v. men thing, with one person "having" to be on top and the other person being interested because of that, not because she legitimately is into the guy as a person. It makes women not only evil but stupid, because we don't actually know what we want and when we do say we want something, we're just liars. Then as soon as a guy shows interest, we see him as weak, beta and we are disgusted and run away. We punish the "good guys" (the manipulative, game-playing, woman-distrusting good guys) this way...so we're not to be trusted, only to be worked.
Of course, NONE of this is borne out through millions of years of human beings showing one another real interest. But that doesn't matter to the dating coach devotee, who wants to be a Real ManTM somehow and wave a hand and have his woman follow whatever he does. Which in itself shows how much he just doesn't really like women to begin with.
This can all be supported by manipulating a situation to get it to conform with these beliefs. So in other words, the OP is doing this right now. He's pulled back and changed his own script he created in the beginning, and now she's getting cold. But he is able to turn that around and say: "See? I knew if she wasn't over-eager from the beginning and the one doing the chasing, then she wasn't really interested. My proof is: now she's not interested." Ummm???
It's all based on confirmation bias, mistrust, and a wish to dominate rather than share.
The OP claims he is rather "meh" about all this anyway. Another PUA method, act cool, all the time, and never act like the girl is one's only option. EXCEPT the fact that he reached out to hundreds of strangers for help, which totally undoes that facade.
It's just silly...and it only garners even more mistrust of women. It feeds on itself and is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's kind of painful to watch.
Luckily, *most* guys really aren't like this, and don't have to resort to dating "coaches" in this way. We all feel our way around the dating game, but for the most part, people do hook up, and stay hooked up, WHILE telling each other - frequently - how into each other they are. But that minority that doesn't, always seems to make its way here, to CDR, to be coached by other bitter dudes. Lather, rinse, repeat.
TL : DR - OP, if it doesn't matter that much and so on, then good, you have your answers (you've decided only the ones that match your dating coaches' advice are legitimate anyway...so this was all rather a weird exercise), and you can just move forward. She's as good as gone now that you're ignoring her; better luck with the next one. And the next. This is all just SILLY, why did you even ask? You already know what you wanted to think, and what you wanted to be "told" to do. Since it's really not such a big deal to you, I'll assume you won't be back for at least a few days to even bother to check on this thread; I won't be offended that you aren't able to answer immediately due to that. Good luck and hope your relationships turn out the way you want them to. This one is over and done, probably.
Very interesting post. Nice to get the female perspective on male manipulation tactics. However, you need to stop pretending women don't have their own bag of tricks and power moves they use.
Another thing you should probably learn to accept is... at the end of the day, people care about themselves and getting what they want. And those willing to do what it takes will win. Sometimes that means not playing "nice". Oh well.
Very interesting post. Nice to get the female perspective on male manipulation tactics. However, you need to stop pretending women don't have their own bag of tricks and power moves they use.
Another thing you should probably learn to accept is... at the end of the day, people care about themselves and getting what they want. And those willing to do what it takes will win. Sometimes that means not playing "nice". Oh well.
In a way, you're sort of right but not for those looking for a serious , hopefully, long term relationship
I’m saying I was into but didn’t force or push. The pendulum was even and effort and communication was had on both sides and we both showed affection and open communication. Maybe the real answer is this girl is not that type of person and there are alotnof people here thinking I’m playing games now or taking the advice of dating coaches just because I mentioned it in one comment. I’m not a game player I’m just not ready to let this one go Until I know forsure and was/an teying to gather consensus from others in here while expressing my own thoughts and opinions. I’m not ignoring her for the record either, im simply reaching out and getting colder responses than in the beginning. I have yet to ask her out again but not because of a game just because of work life but I will soon. It’s clear to me that casual conversation between dates is not working or notnher thing. And for the record those previous relationships were good and ended pretty amicable just two people growIn apart and no longer compatible really.
Good luck.
I think you screwed this one up.
Please learn how to communicate to people you want to be with. You communicate your thoughts and feelings so well here but have yet to say you told the girl these things.
I wager you are afraid of rejection. I bet you are afraid putting yourself out there and telling her you like her and want to exclusively date unless she gives you a clear cut sign she likes you. And you don't take her agreeing to sleep with you and continue to go out with you a sign. You want her to call.
You are immature because you feel uncomfortable telling her you would like for her to call you. Instead, you spend 3 days posting online to strangers.
Grow some balls and learn how to talk about your feelings to the people who matter most (the girl who could have been your gf).
btw, If I were her and you called me now I would be cold, and I would say I'm not really interested because its been several days and I haven't heard from you. I don't care why your reply is (being out of town, busy), to me its all BS and you are the exact guy I'm hoping to avoid being in a relationship. That is a guy who is wishy washy, calls then doesn't call, and hasn't yet made a commitment after 10 dates.
And if you were to say in response you were waiting for me to call, I would ask why you didn't tell me that if it was so important to you. I would maybe still go out with you but will loose all attraction for you that I once had, and highly doubt I could sleep with you again.
So personally I think its over.
You will find girls out there who will call you. And when another problem comes up, something they do or don't do that you don't like, I guess you'll be back here posting about it instead of talking to the girl directly and trying to work it out.
Please learn how to communicate to people you want to be with. You communicate your thoughts and feelings so well here but have yet to say you told the girl these things.
I wager you are afraid of rejection. I bet you are afraid putting yourself out there and telling her you like her and want to exclusively date unless she gives you a clear cut sign she likes you. And you don't take her agreeing to sleep with you and continue to go out with you a sign. You want her to call.
You are immature because you feel uncomfortable telling her you would like for her to call you. Instead, you spend 3 days posting online to strangers.
Grow some balls and learn how to talk about your feelings to the people who matter most (the girl who could have been your gf).
btw, If I were her and you called me now I would be cold, and I would say I'm not really interested because its been several days and I haven't heard from you. I don't care why your reply is (being out of town, busy), to me its all BS and you are the exact guy I'm hoping to avoid being in a relationship. That is a guy who is wishy washy, calls then doesn't call, and hasn't yet made a commitment after 10 dates.
And if you were to say in response you were waiting for me to call, I would ask why you didn't tell me that if it was so important to you. I would maybe still go out with you but will loose all attraction for you that I once had, and highly doubt I could sleep with you again.
So personally I think its over.
You will find girls out there who will call you. And when another problem comes up, something they do or don't do that you don't like, I guess you'll be back here posting about it instead of talking to the girl directly and trying to work it
Dang doctor you must get paid for this. I never said I implemented the ignore her streategy and I never changed the way I communicated with her, it was her that changed the way she way communicating with me which is why I came here. When I went out of town I told her that and I was camping with no service, when her sister was in town for 3 days she did the same for me so there’s no confusion as to why we haven’t heard from the other side. This is not a post about arguing one side or the other in a means to tear each other’s theories or opinions down, it’s merely a post to hear each other’s side with open ears and consider each other’s valid points. Are some of you even capable of arguing constructively or do you need to slam people and win the battle of city-data King/queen of relationship advice ?? Geesh
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chriz Brown
Since men are often the ones who have to pursue, we have a built-in disadvantage from the start. For that reason, my advice for men is a little different. Sue me.
If you want to see it as a disadvantage, that is on you. It's to my advantage as a guy.
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You already know what you wanted to think, and what you wanted to be "told" to do. Since it's really not such a big deal to you, I'll assume you won't be back for at least a few days to even bother to check on this thread; I won't be offended that you aren't able to answer immediately due to that. Good luck and hope your relationships turn out the way you want them to. This one is over and done, probably.
