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I may have forgotten to mention that. I've actually come to enjoy chatting with people, or even just smiling at people.
It's probably bad form to quote yourself (but it's for context), we were discussing exercises to become more facile with interacting with strangers to decrease social anxiety.
I have an excellent example from yesterday, I had to make a deposit at my bank. The teller was one of the best dressed men I've seen lately, vest, tie, dress shirt... well groomed (beard and mustache). I complimented him on his vest/tie/shirt and told him how great he looked. We were almost bros! I'm sure he enjoyed our transaction as much as I did. He felt good being complimented, I was pleased in sharing a moment with a stranger!
The point of this type of exercise is (my theory) that the more comfortable you become chatting and smiling with strangers the easier time you will have chatting and smiling with an attractive and hopefully available woman.
I might even start chatting with a woman and suddenly she's cute and not wearing a wedding ring (not a sure indicator but deffo not a stop sign).
I encourage anybody with social anxiety or shyness to just get out there and start interacting. You might even enjoy it. I used to be painfully shy except at work or other structured environments but now interacting with strangers has become really fun!
C'mon everybody, just get out there and start chatting up strangers!
Another tip- do not, under any circumstances, date or approach romantically, coworkers.
You realllllllly really live in your head. I somewhat used to do that too...that's something you MUST work on. Must. It's exhausting and honestly, mostly false tales your brain has developed over time.
This is a pretty decent and fun title LOL
Un**ck your life- get out of your head and start living.
Stop this. Go with the flow. Why are you building scenarios? I can tell when people do this because it makes the conversation very boring and scripted. Dont' think more than 2 seconds in advance of what is actually happening. That is what I mean by stop living in your head.
No, I disagree. You as a man should be able to enjoy working with an attractive women even one who you won't ask out. Who doesn't enjoy being around someone they are physically attractive too? Its called eye candy for a reason. You should be able to smile and enjoy it.
Don't expect them to GIVE you anything, including acceptance. Focus on the moment, how happy you are in the moment, and what you can give and offer (a smile and a conversation partner).
Trust me, I get everything you are saying because I used to be the same way. I used to create visions of people accepting me and talking to me, before I went up to them, to help me overcome my fear. But I was very insecure because it all felt pre-planned and superficial. Now I'm so relaxed, I don't even think of what are the different possibilities when I approach someone. That is what I mean by not being in your head. If I started thinking, hmm, If i go up they could walk away, then I'd stand there awkwardly, that is being stuck in your head. Or they could like me and we talk, and then we become friends, and then we go out on weekends. That's also being in your head. Try to live in the moment. A 2 second moment of existence.
"Who doesn't enjoy being around someone they are physically attractive to?"
Did you mean attractive or attracted? Subtle difference but it changes the meaning considerably. Once I hit high school I never enjoyed working in close proximity to someone who was physically attractive to me. The feelings were never mutual so I always felt like a creep; hence, the avoidant behavior.
I plan out that sort of interaction now, at least the opener to establish normal conversational contact. After that I flow more easily, and I flow pretty easily around people when I don't feel like I'm under pressure. I don't do impulse well when I feel social pressure...the last time I "went with the flow" around a woman I was attracted to and intending to ask out the opening conversation somehow immediately turned into a boring, awkward chat about skin cancer. Yech. (It was a rejection. Obviously.)
Another tip- do not, under any circumstances, date or approach romantically, coworkers.
Not so! It depends on how you do it. Make friends with both men and women at work. Eventually you're likely to start taking lunches with some of them. (I think cocktails after work is a bit cliche in this modern era...) You can't hit on employees on company time or company premises but on your own time away from work all you have to be is cool and sensitive about it. Tread lightly and if you do not get any green light then back off. I often did that in my early career (20s-early 30s) and I got many dates and a love relationship with one woman for several years from my 'approaching coworkers.'
"Who doesn't enjoy being around someone they are physically attractive to?"
Did you mean attractive or attracted? Subtle difference but it changes the meaning considerably. Once I hit high school I never enjoyed working in close proximity to someone who was physically attractive to me. The feelings were never mutual so I always felt like a creep; hence, the avoidant behavior.
I plan out that sort of interaction now, at least the opener to establish normal conversational contact. After that I flow more easily, and I flow pretty easily around people when I don't feel like I'm under pressure. I don't do impulse well when I feel social pressure...the last time I "went with the flow" around a woman I was attracted to and intending to ask out the opening conversation somehow immediately turned into a boring, awkward chat about skin cancer. Yech. (It was a rejection. Obviously.)
You make so many excuses for yourself, you realize that?
You don’t well under pressure? WELCOME TO HUMANITY!
You need grow up. No wonder you repulse women. You have so much self pity, you can’t even see it.
You had an awkward conversation once that was about skin cancer? Welcome to humanity. We all have awkward conversations. Why do you think everyone else is so perfect, never awkward, never rejected in a crowd. You think the girl you were taking to about skin cancer never said anything awkward to someone she likes before?
So now from one awkward conversation you plan out all openers. Because god forbid you are ever awkward again.
And the conversation didn’t some how immediately turn to a talk about skin cancer. You or she made it awkward. And yet you still asked her out after an awkward topic? You need serious help. And you need to go to a large city. I really see no hope for you where you live.
And yeah, I meant physically attractive. You should be able to enjoy being around someone you find attractive! Pretty women, hot guys, beautiful children, I enjoy being around anyone who I find attractive. That is normal. But you feel like a creep BECAUSE YOU ARE IN YOUR HEAD.
It's probably bad form to quote yourself (but it's for context), we were discussing exercises to become more facile with interacting with strangers to decrease social anxiety.
I have an excellent example from yesterday, I had to make a deposit at my bank. The teller was one of the best dressed men I've seen lately, vest, tie, dress shirt... well groomed (beard and mustache). I complimented him on his vest/tie/shirt and told him how great he looked. We were almost bros! I'm sure he enjoyed our transaction as much as I did. He felt good being complimented, I was pleased in sharing a moment with a stranger!
The point of this type of exercise is (my theory) that the more comfortable you become chatting and smiling with strangers the easier time you will have chatting and smiling with an attractive and hopefully available woman.
I might even start chatting with a woman and suddenly she's cute and not wearing a wedding ring (not a sure indicator but deffo not a stop sign).
I encourage anybody with social anxiety or shyness to just get out there and start interacting. You might even enjoy it. I used to be painfully shy except at work or other structured environments but now interacting with strangers has become really fun!
C'mon everybody, just get out there and start chatting up strangers!
Totally agree! I read in a book once to smile to everyone I meet. It was the best advice and made me love being out and around people. I used to be so shy and scared of people. I had relationships end due to men telling me I was in my shell. Now I’m totally open and happy! I recommend what you said to everyone who is shy.
You make so many excuses for yourself, you realize that?
You don’t well under pressure? WELCOME TO HUMANITY!
You need grow up. No wonder you repulse women. You have so much self pity, you can’t even see it.
You had an awkward conversation once that was about skin cancer? Welcome to humanity. We all have awkward conversations. Why do you think everyone else is so perfect, never awkward, never rejected in a crowd. You think the girl you were taking to about skin cancer never said anything awkward to someone she likes before?
So now from one awkward conversation you plan out all openers. Because god forbid you are ever awkward again.
And the conversation didn’t some how immediately turn to a talk about skin cancer. You or she made it awkward. And yet you still asked her out after an awkward topic? You need serious help. And you need to go to a large city. I really see no hope for you where you live.
And yeah, I meant physically attractive. You should be able to enjoy being around someone you find attractive! Pretty women, hot guys, beautiful children, I enjoy being around anyone who I find attractive. That is normal. But you feel like a creep BECAUSE YOU ARE IN YOUR HEAD.
THANK YOU!!!!
Every sad sack who comes here to post about how he has never been able to "get" a girlfriend are
Exactly. The. Same.
Exactly.
They all share the same specific problem, which you outline so clearly above. It's uncanny.
I believe it is a twisted form of narcissism. They can't stop thinking about themselves. And they assume everyone else is thinking about them too, all the time. It is a very self-focused way to go through life.
I think someone should set up a drive-through clinic to treat these self-centered, binary-thinking, fearful, awkward guys. The treatment would be the same for all of them because they are all the same!
I'm going to tell you something cause I can relate to this and you.
I was the geeky kid growing up who didn't really have success with women due to being socially awkward. But I kept living and didn't let that slow me down.
4 years ago in college while pursuing my nursing degree, I met a woman who had patience with me who taught me to understand in her words, "I'm a human just like you and I have insecurities just like you." She was my friend althroughout school and helped ease my anxiety.
Guess what? I married that woman cause she's been a joy as a friend and an amazing wife.
PS, I still stutter sometimes when I see her but that's because I think she's hot
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I'm sure he enjoyed our transaction as much as I did. He felt good being complimented, I was pleased in sharing a moment with a stranger!
