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The counseling suggestion is a good one. Individual and couples could both be helpful.
Chronic illnesses are VERY HARD on marriages (in addition to creating big potential mental health struggles for the party afflicted). But it also sounds like there are additional things at play, and if you can't communicate openly about any of it with your spouse, you're sunk. Counseling can help with the tools to do that, and support you so you can.
Unless something can be done to improve your wife's health, you may be entering a "caregiver-like" situation.
Your depressed feelings now are a type of grief, in that you've 'lost' your wife.
Speaking with a professional may help you come to terms with that and help you figure out where to go from here.
Joining a caregiver's support group might also be of some help since many face similar issues.
Unless something can be done to improve your wife's health, you may be entering a "caregiver-like" situation.
Your depressed feelings now are a type of grief, in that you've 'lost' your wife.
Speaking with a professional may help you come to terms with that and help you figure out where to go from here.
Joining a caregiver's support group might also be of some help since many face similar issues.
I agree.
It sounds like you are subconsciously mourning the life you wanted to have with her, based on your fear that “this is all there is.”
It will help to adjust your mindset to a “new normal.” And I agree very much with the therapy suggestion, with the hope that she joins you in marital counseling.
Even if her activity level is lower, It’s not fair for her to be a mere observer in your marriage. She’s checked out, and she needs help too. I really hope she seeks it.
OP, I think you both need to get therapy. First, you can’t rely on her solely for your own entertainment. You have kids and are an extrovert, so why not try to do activities with them? If you have male children, you could get involved in scouting, and if not, you can still coach a female child’s sports team or other activities like band boosters, PTA activities, etc.
You can also do your own adult activities with meetup groups or other organized travel groups. I know in my area, a lot of the outdoor/sporting stores also set up a ton of activities and talks. I don’t go to meetup groups geared to just single people (but do a lot of outdoor groups) and a lot of people are married and will come without a spouse because the spouse isn’t as fit or just doesn’t have an interest. I have one friend who does competitive rock climbing, disc golf, and a whole ton of activities his wife doesn’t do and it’s fine. I think she’s generally more introverted than he does and also has a more round-the-clock job.
Every reply was great, and I appreciate the insight and opinions.
As to my wife's medical prognosis, as of right now there isn't much of one. Migraine treatments are botox to manage pain, but we are scheduled to receive a new medication for testing to see if there's an improvement while using it. Fingers are crossed.
She did receive a blood workup when all of this started (within the last four years) and everything came back normal, same was true for CT scan. Her father has thyroid issues, so i definitely wouldn't rule it out, but nothing has come back positive in that arena yet. Will keep investigating.
And I hope to see a therapist soon, as stated it will help. As I said I'm lucky in that I do get to travel with work, so I have great opportunities to explore either on my own, or with my co-worker while I'm on the road.
Oh, and someone else suggested that my wife's request for me to see a therapist was suggesting that "i" had the problem. Personally I don't feel that's how she was meaning it, and I will definitely suggest that we both see a therapist to discuss things, as I do believe it would be helpful for both of us.
Our kids are fairly young (7 and 4) and they're both semi active. As they get a bit older, I will definitely be interested in having some adventures with them in tow as I imagine it could be great fun. I can't guarantee my time to be able to coach a team, as my work schedule is very irregular, but camping trips and hikes are definitely doable.
Sharing memories with them will be excellent, but it could almost compound some of my fears of the future. Namely - the kids will be gone from the home in fifteen to twenty years. At which point, the wife and I are going to be sitting across a couch staring at each other and wondering what the heck we do now. LoL....and that scares the bejesus out of me.
I don't think you mentioned it in the OP, but was your wife excited and energetic earlier in your marriage prior to her medical issues and PPD, or has she always been more of a homebody?
I don't think you mentioned it in the OP, but was your wife excited and energetic earlier in your marriage prior to her medical issues and PPD, or has she always been more of a homebody?
He answered that in the op.
Quote:
Originally Posted by flynavyj
In the past, we've done everything from hiking in the desert or the smokeys, biking trails through parks and along rivers, walking till our feet were going to fall off in Paris. I really value those memories and experiences, but those types of activities just aren't solid options for us in our current state.
Unless something can be done to improve your wife's health, you may be entering a "caregiver-like" situation.
Your depressed feelings now are a type of grief, in that you've 'lost' your wife.
Speaking with a professional may help you come to terms with that and help you figure out where to go from here.
Joining a caregiver's support group might also be of some help since many face similar issues.
I agree, and her depression probably stems from the feeling that her body is betraying her and she is not able to be the wife she used to be.
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