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No, but a funny thing happened to be some years back.
I was standing in a bar and a woman walked up to me. "How old are you", she asked.
"I'm 42"
"Well, would you like to dance"?
"Jeez! How old ya gotta be??"
And her thing was, if you are standing around in a bar and you are less than 40, you are either cheating on your wife or recently divorced and she had heard enough from those types. She didn't want to hear it any more. Didn't want to hear a bunch of lies and didn't want to hear how the guy was losing everything to someone who was "lazy or crazy".
She was nice. Can't remember her name.
Lol.
I have a good friend who has been married and divorced 2x and her current guy has been married and divorced. He, along with almost every divorced man that I've heard of, regardless of race and socio-economic class, say that they've either gave the lazy or crazy ex-wife the house and everything after the divorce or the judge awarded it to the lazy or crazy ex-wife. So true what the lady said to you is true, lol.
Strange thing is, I have yet to meet lot of women (and our country has a high divorce rate) that have been awarded houses and "everything" from her ex. This is a cause for national cognitive dissonance. Apparently one group in this situation has more liars who keep repeating this trope than the other.
I say this respectfully. You come across as a person who believes "things should be done this way and that way." Well, they don't. "Things," that means life, happen the way they do. If you think you "have" control of life, it's illusory.
So, does this guy mean enough to you to see where your time spent goes?
You said, "Marriages are supposed to be until death...." I believe marriages should only last until the marriage dies.
Yes, I have had a relationship with a man who was divorcing and had been for some time before I met him. I will sum up the experience this way--drama, drama, drama. No-thank-you and never again. Those were dog months.
I have...once...she had to keep me on the down low. She didn't want her soon-to-be ex to know that I was dating, because she knew he would have a problem with it and it would impact the outcome of the divorce. Apparently, they were not wanting lawyers involved and did the ppwk up themselves.
I didn't like the idea of this and plus, her soon-to-be ex was unstable. At least that's how she described his behavior. He abused the weed. I decided to end it, she wasn't happy about it, but it didn't sit right with me. Went with my gut.
Of course, I've known TONS of people date while separated, but the only way it worked well is when BOTH parties were happily dating other people. If one is dating, and the other is not. There's some serious animosity and "staring daggers" at the other person that is "happy".
It's kind of like, the one person cannot be happy for the other if they've started dating someone if the paperwork hasn't even been signed.
I have a good friend who has been married and divorced 2x and her current guy has been married and divorced. He, along with almost every divorced man that I've heard of, regardless of race and socio-economic class, say that they've either gave the lazy or crazy ex-wife the house and everything after the divorce or the judge awarded it to the lazy or crazy ex-wife. So true what the lady said to you is true, lol.
Strange thing is, I have yet to meet lot of women (and our country has a high divorce rate) that have been awarded houses and "everything" from her ex. This is a cause for national cognitive dissonance. Apparently one group in this situation has more liars who keep repeating this trope than the other.
Actually, it depends on who has the better lawyer that determine who gets raked across the coals in the divorce.
Your post really resonates with me. At the end of the day, I agree that a person should be taken on individual merit. If I was in that situation, I'd want to be evaluated as individual and not on what all "men" or all "women" do because there are always exceptions to the rule. Thank you for responding.
One additional question for you, having gone through the experience and now past it, looking back do you think that you should have waited until you've been legally divorced for a certain length of time (say 1 year) before dating again? Was it fair to the person(s) you were dating that you were not really emotionally over the divorce (if that was the case) being that you were still going through it?
P.S - I'm not discarding any responses to this question from people who have been in this situation because I believe that there is something to be learned from almost all experiences shared. Even if it's what not to do.
No, I don't think I should have waited. By the time I left my ex, the marriage had effectively been over a long time. I stayed too long, mostly to help her get through some health issues. I was ready to begin dating the day I moved into a place of my own, and in fact, had my first of many dates just two weeks later. I was well over my ex; there was no emotional baggage to overcome - that process had already taken place over the prior two years.
I think it also makes a huge difference depending on who decides to leave. If you are the one leaving, then you are mostly over the relationship - you need to be, to move on. If you are the one being left - and especially if you are surprised or very unhappy about the split - then you will have a longer adjustment period. Those people should wait a while - just how long depends on how well they cope and let go of the past.
I met someone awesome about 6 months after I moved out. A year after that, we were living together, and eventually got married. BEST relationship of my life, by far! And it still is, many years later. She took a chance on me, and it paid off for both of us.
I started dating when i separated because simply put i wanted to get laid. I purposely sought out relationships with men with were in similar situations because i wasn't interested in a LTR and i needed someone who would be understanding of my situation, then i stupidly fell in love with another guy who was in the early stages of divorce.
About 5 months into his divorce, my ex filed (he wanted to be the one that filed) we had a court date set and got divorced in approx 3 months. Mine was amicable and easy. The guys dragged out for two years, two year of dealing with his emotional ups and down, the fallout from his kids, his ex did everything she could to poison the kids, he finally told her he was going to sue for primary custody based on parental alienation. Then about half way through his ex just stopped responding to her lawyer so they had to file something to force her to proceed. She was the one that filed but kept changing her mind. I would try to give him advice but it fell on death ears, then when he realized he should've listened to me it created more tension because he knew what i was thinking even though i never said "i told you so". I just reminded him it was his journey and he had to pick his path. That was tough for me since i am very opinionated.
We broke up a lot, initially because i felt he should give her another chance, but he stayed on his path and didn't waver. He said their issues had been going on for a decade and he couldn't go back and live like that anymore. We also broke up a lot because he would become so tense and there was nothing i could do to get him out of it, he felt i wasn't being patient enough. During our breakups we would date other people but kept coming back to each other. We were both going through therapy at the time, both started around the time of our marriage breakdowns, i invited him to a few of my sessions and my therapist noted there was something special that kept pulling us back together. We both felt it and acknowledge it but it didn't make the whole process easier.
Before his divorce got finalized my ex remarried and his new wife decided she wanted him to be more of a dad and thus began a new wave of legal battles for me, this added more stress to my relationship. So after two years his divorce was finally signed and stamped, he wanted it to be over with because it was starting to affect his job, so yes he gave her everything. But then i had to deal with the post divorce fall out.
With my new legal issues and his post divorce issues, i became emotionally depleted, we both were, after a month of constant bickering we amicably decided we needed time apart to recover. I fully expected him to embrace his new freedom, he is a physical touch person so i expected him to move on straight away. So far neither of us have, we still talk and have slipped up. He wants us to try again but my walls are up. We do love each other dearly so i don't think our story is over.
Would i ever do that again? F**K NO! As much as i loved him and still love him i am completely drained. As a single working mom i don't get to disconnect from the world and be selfish. Maybe it will be worth it in the end but i would never wish this experience on anyone.
No, I don't think I should have waited. By the time I left my ex, the marriage had effectively been over a long time. I stayed too long, mostly to help her get through some health issues. I was ready to begin dating the day I moved into a place of my own, and in fact, had my first of many dates just two weeks later. I was well over my ex; there was no emotional baggage to overcome - that process had already taken place over the prior two years.
I agree with that, I was ready to date the moment we agreed to separate, we became roommates long before i even told him i was unhappy, him constantly rejecting me hit my self esteem pretty hard i just wanted to feel beautiful and wanted again. For some people divorce is very traumatic so i understand the need to wait.
Those are the sentiments of my friend as well. He said his love for his spouse died a long time. They've been living in separate states for a couple of years and continue to as the divorce proceedings are going forth. I do understand that life happens and any of could find ourselves in a similar situation at some point. Still, if I'd known beforehand that his divorce was not already completely FINALIZED, I would have avoided reconciling with him. We are only platonic friends at this point but it's very evident that the attraction is strongly present on both of our parts and should we continue along this path, it will lead to a deeper relationship once he's officially divorced.
Rebound relationship or rebound marriage? Very possibly but unless you're the first BF/GF/Spouse, aren't we all the rebound since we came after the last person with whom our significant other had a failed relationship?
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