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But, here I am at 58 now, nice house, all the toys and finding someone to spend the rest of my life with seems to be getting more and more unrealistic. I have no problem finding hookups or chicks to do things with, but finding someone i am attracted to AND compatible with seems to be a challenge.
Worst part is, i am starting to think being alone the rest of my life wouldn't be so bad.
I think most guys would be happy being single as long as they are getting some action. I'm sure it's nice to have a couple of nurses to have as FB's, right? ;-) Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?
I had noticed, this is not a traditional response to why a woman would go out with a guy. Usually it's "He made me laugh, he was charming, had a great personality, he was a sweet guy, etc." I dunno, I just never heard of a woman that dated a guy based on curiosity.
Not only can different women be doing different things for different reasons, but the same woman can be doing something different from one month or year to the next based on life circumstance.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123
I think most guys would be happy being single as long as they are getting some action. I'm sure it's nice to have a couple of nurses to have as FB's, right? ;-) Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?
Take this post along with the one you replied to.
A woman might feel quite similarly about men. Why sell your freedom to some guy who will make a bunch of demands of you, if you can enjoy the FUN parts of his company and then go back to your own home?
Curiosity may not be cited as a reason that women date men, but I think it's a powerful force if a woman is not in the mode of "Need a man to protect/provide/give me babies." For those of us who don't need a protector, a provider, or any more kids at all, and who want a COMPANION... Curiosity is what makes it a good time! Once the curiosity is burned up, things get kind of boring. When you reach a point where you have learned all you can about a partner, and assuming you feel positively about it...with a longer term relationship, even...that's where you start looking at what life things you can get curious about together. Keeping your mind engaged. In terms of my relationship now, we watch new shows together, go to events together, look for new bits of philosophy to debate and discuss, seek new intimate activities to explore...we keep each other interested.
Curiosity can be thought of as a desire to investigate further, to find out more, with at least a bit of enthusiasm mixed in. In my thinking, it's why the new relationship stages are exciting and fun.
But the guy I was talking about before, there was a whole anecdote there and you picked up on one sentence...I did not DATE him based on curiosity. I was friends with him, and he was lonely and wanting to have sex, and I flat out told him I didn't want a relationship with him of any kind. I was willing to have sex with him but only if he promised to do what he could to keep his feelings in check. I was NOT curious about being partnered with him, I already knew I didn't want that...but I had reasons to be curious about whether sex with him would be fun. He was an enormous human being, like a Viking version of Andre the Giant, very tall and big...I had questions. I'll leave it right there. But dating? Oh hell no. He was in his 30's and had no steady job, no steady home, and was fresh out of a breakup and whiny about it all over social media. I wanted nothing to do with dating that guy; I didn't need another child to raise.
So there was just the one kind of "curiosity" going on there. In the beginnings of the relationship I have now, there were many layers of curiosity at work, and he continues to surprise me with things he says and does all the time. We continue to find each other's company interesting, stimulating, and fun.
I'm still trying to figure why people treat being by themselves as if it's some sort of fatal disease.....I feel in life, you have to learn to adapt. I understand feeling lonely sometimes, but the stigma attached to it really needs to die. As human beings, I believe we put ourselves through more pain than our circumstances do sometimes. So you don't have a spouse, SO, whatever. So what? Doesn't mean there is something inherently wrong with you. There are a lot of factors that go into having a partner, many of them we cannot control. It just goes to show you, no matter what you think you deserve or looking at what everyone else has that you don't, life is going to do what it wants to do. No one is special or unique in that sense. Why? Because life is doing that to everyone. Don't take it so personally.
Perhaps some of us had been with someone else for so many years that we don't like being alone. Hence the word lonely. I liked being part of a couple. That's where I was most comfortable.
Reminds me of one of my coworkers who was hounding me to stop with online dating and "learn to love myself".
She asked me last Monday what I did over the weekend. I told her I went to the movies. Her reaction was priceless. She shouted out, "by YOURSELF??!!!"
Anyone ever feel like they're too old and that the boat has passed?
Yes, I did for a for about a year or longer until someone came in my life unexpectedly last year and the chemistry, attraction, and connection between us was like a new lease on life or the joy of springtime, to me.
Before that, I had at times felt too old and as if the boat has passed (it still is for dating a certain age-range perhaps) but fortunately we never age out of being capable of falling in love with a person.
All I know is that one of the worst stereotypes in online dating concerns single men who are over 40 who have never been married. I saw 2 studies where it was the number one red flag for women on a couple of online sites.
I am 46 and have never been married. It's not because I am a player, a mama's boy, or emotionally immature.
It's because I never wanted kids. The vast majority of women by 40 have kids, biologically or otherwise.
When dating I was always honest. As soon as the issue of kids came up I said, "i'm sorry, I can't date you anymore. I don't want kids. Best luck on your journey."
Honestly, I have known more than a few men who knew they didn't want kids but still "lied" to the girl to get laid.
Sex was never that crucial to me. Honesty and integrity were.
Also, I came from a broken home with a lot of mental illness and all sorts of things. It took years of therapy to sort out. I had many years where I chose not to date. Some people don't, and they end up with 2 divorces and warped kids. Heck, people with not even 1/4 of the issues I had growing up have divorced, cheated on their partner left and right, etc.
And I am a cheater? Emotionally immature?? A mama's boy? My mom was blown away with a shotgun when I was 7 at a gas station. I never had a mama.
I hate online dating, and I particularly hate it in an area where I live where there are almost no people in my age range, and with the people who are in my age range, there are 3 guys to every woman. Women can afford to set their search parameters to weed out all men like me who are shorter than 5-10, which is another thing that some studies have shown.
I don't blame women. They have the advantage on these sites. They can afford to look for perfection. Guys would probably do the same kind of stuff if they had the numbers advantages.
But I also do not like the tendency to judge people by a simple set of labels. Like showing me a profile with your picture, and telling me to message you if interested because after all, I am a man, and all I care about women is how they look. I must've spent $500 on online dating profile writers when I did online dating. The profile is everything to me. Photos are fake and old half the time anyway. People usually look better in person.
And for gosh sakes, eliminate instant messaging! Chatting is what you do at a coffee shop. People have a right to pen emails with proper grammar that show them in a good light.
All I know is that one of the worst stereotypes in online dating concerns single men who are over 40 who have never been married. I saw 2 studies where it was the number one red flag for women on a couple of online sites.
I am 46 and have never been married. It's not because I am a player, a mama's boy, or emotionally immature.
It's because I never wanted kids. The vast majority of women by 40 have kids, biologically or otherwise.
When dating I was always honest. As soon as the issue of kids came up I said, "i'm sorry, I can't date you anymore. I don't want kids. Best luck on your journey."
Honestly, I have known more than a few men who knew they didn't want kids but still "lied" to the girl to get laid.
Sex was never that crucial to me. Honesty and integrity were.
Also, I came from a broken home with a lot of mental illness and all sorts of things. It took years of therapy to sort out. I had many years where I chose not to date. Some people don't, and they end up with 2 divorces and warped kids. Heck, people with not even 1/4 of the issues I had growing up have divorced, cheated on their partner left and right, etc.
And I am a cheater? Emotionally immature?? A mama's boy? My mom was blown away with a shotgun when I was 7 at a gas station. I never had a mama.
I hate online dating, and I particularly hate it in an area where I live where there are almost no people in my age range, and with the people who are in my age range, there are 3 guys to every woman. Women can afford to set their search parameters to weed out all men like me who are shorter than 5-10, which is another thing that some studies have shown.
I don't blame women. They have the advantage on these sites. They can afford to look for perfection. Guys would probably do the same kind of stuff if they had the numbers advantages.
But I also do not like the tendency to judge people by a simple set of labels. Like showing me a profile with your picture, and telling me to message you if interested because after all, I am a man, and all I care about women is how they look. I must've spent $500 on online dating profile writers when I did online dating. The profile is everything to me. Photos are fake and old half the time anyway. People usually look better in person.
And for gosh sakes, eliminate instant messaging! Chatting is what you do at a coffee shop. People have a right to pen emails with proper grammar that show them in a good light.
All I know is that one of the worst stereotypes in online dating concerns single men who are over 40 who have never been married. I saw 2 studies where it was the number one red flag for women on a couple of online sites.
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Yup. This is true. And it is not limited to online dating. I have mentioned this lately on this site because I have heard several of times. At a recent family get-together, a distant relative and her daughter were saying that if a man is 40 and has never been married or has no children, something is wrong with him. Not knowing that I am close 38 and never-married/ no kids, lol (so almost there).
I have a friend who works at a large firm, and he said that people in that situation have a hard time moving up to the highest levels because a lot of decisions are based on attending social functions, and everyone else is there with spouse and/or kids, so you standout in a negative way.
It is a negative stigma, and in any social situation or anywhere the topic is brought up, people will be a little surprised/shocked if they learn you are over 40 and have never married or have no kids. People will think something is off with you and be suspicious (even if they don’t say so out loud). This stigma is worse for males.
It is why there is a stigma for going out to eat alone, going to movies alone, going on vacations alone, etc. Which is why many men over 40 never married/no kids live depressed and lonely lives. Because of the stigma of doing those things alone, they miss out on fun things in life.
You have to learn to be ok with being alone, and not care about societal stigma or pressure. That said, in my last couple years before 40, it is my goal that I will be married, so I guess I am giving into social pressure a little, lol.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by greenbook
All I know is that one of the worst stereotypes in online dating concerns single men who are over 40 who have never been married. I saw 2 studies where it was the number one red flag for women on a couple of online sites.
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Never been an issue for me. Most of the women I meet haven't been married either. I guess I already filter out those small minded people, thankfully.
Quote:
Originally Posted by personone
It is why there is a stigma for going out to eat alone, going to movies alone, going on vacations alone, etc. Which is why many men over 40 never married/no kids live depressed and lonely lives. Because of the stigma of doing those things alone, they miss out on fun things in life.
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Maybe this is a small town/conservative areas stigma, but its far from universal. Why would people live depressed and lonely lives? One doesn't need a spouse to have a social life. If anything, people that aren't married seem to have a much more robust social life and largely group of friends.
Never been an issue for me. Most of the women I meet haven't been married either. I guess I already filter out those small minded people, thankfully.
Maybe this is a small town/conservative areas stigma, but its far from universal. Why would people live depressed and lonely lives? One doesn't need a spouse to have a social life. If anything, people that aren't married seem to have a much more robust social life and largely group of friends.
I disagree. I live in a major city. I don’t know anyone who is over 40 who is living a robust, lively social life. In part because there are not people available to live that kind of social life. At that age, the majority of people are married with kids. The others would be advanced in their careers. So who are they going to be out partying with every night? 20 year olds? Where are all these 40 year olds (never married/no kids) with robust social lives????? I don’t see them if they exist
I agree that they shouldn’t be depressed and lonely, but many do feel that way because of the stigma of society. In fact, someone at that age, never married/no kids, living an overly extreme social life is likely trying to overcompensate for that depression and loneliness.
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