Your wife stays at home while you work (date, wives, marry)
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Sahm mom of three....husband helps out around the house where he can. When I worked before #3 came along, we split the chores evenly. Now that I stay home I do the bulk of the work but he does help. If I cook, he does the dishes, he picks up after himself, on weekends if there is still stuff to be done he helps with it as well. When I first quit my job to stay home I had to do everything, cooking, cleaning, lawn, garbage, kids to and from school and sports, it was too much. Especially when at 9 at night I am still folding laundry and he was just sitting in his chair watching tv and me folding laundry. I threw a little tantrum, he spent the night on the couch and now he helps out.
While I don't feel he should work and then come home and do all the chores, he can do his part.
Married couples need to have respect for each other and consideration. Staying at home is hard and can be very isolating and sometimes you can feel underappreciated. The working spouse needs to remember that and give the other a break once in a while.
Should the husband help around the house, or is his job just bringing in the money?
Do you think that he should have to help do laundry? What about running the dishes through the dishwasher? Sweeping, vacuuming, dusting, cooking, shopping,paying the bills,etc. Any of these? I think that he feels like he is the provider of the family. He brings home the money.
I also think, that he see`s me as a homemaker. So, while I have two things going at one time, and an arm full of clean laundry, is it ok for him to sit and relax on the couch, since he has to go to work later?
Hmmmm...I think that he could offer to help, don`t you, or not?
Opinions?
According to your posts you do have a 9 year old child and your husband works second shift, so my response is based on that information as well as personal experience and opinion.
First, while your husband works 2nd shift it is not clear (from what I have seen at least) what kind of work he does. Some jobs are easier than others so this would play a role as well, in my opinion. However, I am not of the mindset that simply because he works outside of the home, his job is more taxing than a stay at home mom. There are a lot of duties that go into running a household smoothly and keeping it functioning. That being said, you do have a 9 year old that should have some household responsibilities as well by way of chores in the home.
Secondly, since your child is 9 years old this means that she is most likely in school for approximately 7 hours or so. I have been a stay at home mom for about 80% of the past 19 years. During this time I was with my ex-husband for 16 of those years. I was also raising 3 children (current ages 19, 18, and 15). While they were younger (pre-school ages) it was more difficult because they were home all the time with me and required attention. However, once they were in school, this freed up a lot of time for me during the day to get things done. They also began having assigned chores that they were individually and corporately responsible for.
My ex also worked shifts at times (including midnight shift). Shift work is not easy because it can tend to throw the entire families schedule off a bit from what is thought to be "normal". However, all it takes is a bit of organization and clear expectations for every member of the family for it to work. While I do believe that the spouse the works outside of the home (regardless of gender) should help out with certain duties inside the home, it is important to understand that the spouse that stays home, that is their "job" so to speak. If the stay at home spouse worked outside the home, would they expect their spouse to go to their office and help them get thier duties accomplished? No. The same mentality has to be applied in this situation by the stay at home spouse. (Of course this is different if both spouses work outside the home, then all chores in the home should be equally shared).
Based on this scenario... husband works outside, wife stays home, 9 year old child... my opinion would be to establish a clear set of chores distribution. The majority of housework should fall upon the shoulders of the stay at home wife/mother.
1) The husband can be responsible for such tasks as outdoor duties such as lawn care and exterior house maintenance, as well as taking out the trash and picking up after himself as to not add more for the wife to have to do. If he is handy in the kitchen he could perhaps help out with cooking now and then and perhaps he could be responsible for helping clean up after dinner a bit.
2) The 9 year old child could be responsible for such things as keeping her room clean, cleaning the bathroom weekly (maintaining daily), setting and clearning the table with regards to meals, loading and unloading dishwasher, ensuring dirty clothing is where it needs to be and putting away their own clothing after being washed and folded. This child should also be responsible for picking up after themselves as well so as to not add more for the mother to have to do.
3) The stay at home wife/mother should shoulder the majority of household duties such as cleaning the common areas of the home, cooking, laundry and shopping. (Though my preference is husband and wife doing the shopping together, it can be where the wife does the shopping while the husband watches the child and then the husband can help bringing stuff in from the car and helping put the items away if he is home).
4) Regardless of who works outside and who stays home, paying the bills and handling the household finances should be done by whichever of the two is better at it.
Basically, however, it all boils down to what works best for each individual family. This is something you and your husband need to figure out. The last thing you want is any resentment building between the two of you simply because one feels the other is not doing what they should. Again, this is where organization and clear expectations (i.e. chore lists) works best. Being a stay at home wife/mother, however, it is important to remember that the home is basically your job, your responsibility. That being said, while it is definately a manageable job, some assistance here and there from the other members of the family helps to make sure no one is overloaded with responsibilities.
Only other thing I can suggest is to remember to have fun as a family as well. Make sure there is time where everyone can just enjoy each other's company without "having" to do anything. For me what worked was Saturday mornings was big cleaning day, Saturday afternoon was outing and evenings was often movies and relaxing. Sundays was simply family day, no chores, no cleaning and eating out. I'd save any Sunday cleaning for Monday.
In short:
1) Talk the situation over with your husband
2) Establish and agree upon a fair distribution of responsibilities (considering each individuals other responsibilities)
3) Set up a chore list with clear expectations for each family member
4) Stick to the chore list
5) Establish a day off and remember to have fun as a family
If you need help or feel overwhelmed then ask for help. Any husband would have no problem stepping up to the plate and helping his wife out. We all have different breaking points and we all need help from time to time...If your with a good guy, he will take your feelings into consideration and realize you need help...and do so. What is the big deal?
If my hubby did not help me, I would not have the time to make him a nice meal or clean his clothes. It takes 100% of my time to physically care for 3 people (myself incuded). So if he is not willing to help me out, he can start doing my 'extra' things I do for him...ie cooking, his laundry, dropping his dry cleaning off, running to the post office and the bank... It is give and take.
If he wants his hot meal everynight and a nice outfit for work the next day,,,you better bet he is out in the kitchen doing the dishes after dinner while I am cleaning the kids and getting them ready for bed.
If I had to do it all with no help from him, I would be working my arse off 18 hours everyday,,,and I think I would just be way to exhausted to even think about sex after all that.
Like I said,,,happy wife= happy life...in every way.
1) Talk the situation over with your husband
2) Establish and agree upon a fair distribution of responsibilities (considering each individuals other responsibilities)
3) Set up a chore list with clear expectations for each family member
4) Stick to the chore list
5) Establish a day off and remember to have fun as a family
This is the best advice I have seen on this issue. Mrs. Shuke and I have tried this.. but the problem appears to be with point #4, stick to the chore list. That's really important... the first three steps all set up expectations, and failure to follow through in step #4 is tantamount to a failure to meet expectations, and that's the beginning of trouble.
In our house, ol shukey here is the main breadwinner. We have 3 kids total, ages 7, 6, and 5. The older two are in school full days, from about 8:00am to 3:30pm Monday thru Friday. The youngest is in preschool three days per week (M-W-F) from about 9:00am to 4:30pm. Therefore, Mrs. Shuke has fairly large chunks of time available during the week.
Still, even I believe that I should be doing some of the household chores. Historically, doing the family laundry has fallen upon me because Mrs. Shuke won't normally touch it until the closet is empty and the hampers are overflowing. So I run some laundry pretty much every day. Put it in at night to run overnight, put it in the dryer before I leave for work in the morning, then fold and put away in the evening after the sun goes down, starting the cycle all over again with that day's clothing going in the laundry to run overnight. So that's how I get laundry done.
I also take care of the dishes. I'll run dishes overnight and put them away in the morning before i go to work.
I get the kids dressed in the mornings and/or set out clothing for them. If I am home when they get up, I'll get them dressed. If it's like this morning, when I'm leving the house before they get up, I'll set out their outfits on their beds before I leave. If I don't do this, Mrs. Shuke leaves selection of clothing and the act of dressing entirely up to the 3 kids.
I also bathe the kids... baths on the weekend and showers during the week. But that's my gig and it is very difficult to motivate Mrs. Shuke to take part in this activity at all.
Mrs. Shuke's primary duties, at least as far as I'm concerned, are to:
Fix meals for the kids during the week (M-F). She is supposed to get them breakfast, arrange for lunch (make sure they have their token if they're buying lunch at school or make sure their lunch is packed if they're bringing lunch), and to fix dinner. Since breaksfast is usually just cereal and milk and the kids usually buy lunch at school, the only meal that takes any real time is dinner. For that, she usually prepares something frozen. Like frozen pizza or frozen lasagna. Last night wasn't frozen, however... she went to the trouble of boiling spaghetti and heating up some sauce out of the jar.
On the weekends I usually handle meals because we're out doing stuff during the day, and then I usually get take-out after baths in the evenings.
Mrs. Shuke is also supposed to keep the house picked up, but her failure to follow through (step #4) on this has become such a problem that we're in early stages of divorce over it. I do hire a Maid service to come in bi-weekly to clean things up, too, to the tune of $145 per session. A couple months ago, the Maid service said they could charge a little less if Mrs. Shuke went to the trouble of picking stuff up before they got there. Little do they know that she does spend several hours picking up before they get there... that's about the only time I figure she actually lifts a finger to follow through on this responsibility.
So, if you want to get your husband perturbed with you, here's what you do. You let him do all the stuff I do, then go out and spend money during the day, then let the kids run amock after getting home from school, fix a frozen dinner, then wait for hubby to come home and clean up after everyone after he comes home from work.
This is the best advice I have seen on this issue. Mrs. Shuke and I have tried this.. but the problem appears to be with point #4, stick to the chore list. That's really important... the first three steps all set up expectations, and failure to follow through in step #4 is tantamount to a failure to meet expectations, and that's the beginning of trouble.
First, thank you.
I totally agree with you that following through with #4 is crucial. That goes for all members of the household. It is easy to get into the routine of just letting things slide, but reality is that when you do that, eventually it piles up and again, resentment starts to build. Therefore, unless there is a justifiable reason, i.e. someone is sick, then everyone should be doing thier part and fulfilling their responsibilities.
I often kept the chore list right up on the fridge door for everyone to see clearly. When my kids were little it was really simple... "mom can we go out and play"... mom's reply... "are all your chores done?".. we would then walk over to the fridge and go over the chores for the day. If they were done, then they could go out and play. If, however, they were not done, then chores had to be done before they could go out and play.
As for the adult spouses... most time it just got done (at least in the beginning). If for whatever reason something did not get done, a simple gentle reminder worked best, something like... "honey, the garbage is ready to go out."
While I do say following through with #4 is important, there is always room for favors or help to be done or offered. For example, as I was cleaning the kitchen I might pull the garbage bag out of the bin, tie it up and put a new bag in. I'd set the garbage bag by the entrance to the kitchen before saying what I mentioned above.
At a point with my ex-husband follow through was not going on. Consideration was not being shown and this only added to a lot of other issues that were going on, building on the resentment and just adding fuel to a fire that was already there. Eventually we did divorce, but my opinion is that when it comes to household duties, following through on agreements and showing consideration to your spouse, when these things are not done... usually there is some other issues going on as well.
Issues, arguments, tension in the marriage, walls going up, resentments, lack of consideration for a spouse, lack of respecting each other and failing to contribute towards one's own home and family.. is usually not about the cap being off the toothpaste tube, the toilet seat being left up or down, nor even about whether or not the dishes got done, the trash was taken out, laundry was done that day or a meal was cooked. Usually it runs into something far deeper than that and it would be wise to find out what those issues may be before they escalate. Hence why communication is so vital in a marriage.
I find it hard to believe that in 2008 there's not already an equal distribution of responsibilities. As the husband, I believe that the condition of the house, both inside and out, is a reflection of me, so I'm a stickler for neatness and cleanliness. Most guys I know are the same way, so they take responsibility for meeting their level of expectation.
I work full-time. I also do all of the household chores (vacuum, dust, mop, windows, bathrooms, kitchen), all of the laundry, all of the grocery planning, shopping, and cooking, as well as lawn and landscape maintenance, vehicle maintenance, repairs, painting, etc.
SuperK sounds like my husband and I am a stay at home mom. He works hard but he knows that I work hard too with our 2 children. It is our home so if we want it clean we both have to pitch in to keep it that way just like we did when I was working outside the home. Now, I do clean the house, mow the lawn, cook every meal, wash, but only because when he gets home I want him to spend time with our children. That does not mean that if the wash does not get done for that week, and I had to grocery shop saturday morning, that he will just let the wash sit there--NO, our children push the laundry basket to the laundry room, he puts in the wash, then dries it and I put it away while he makes hamburgers that I just bought at the grocery store. It's all in courtesy to each other and should not be squabbled over...Plus, both my husband and I agree that we want our children to see that in the home, EVERYONE does their part, not just the females...I mean, these kids are the future.
I'm a SAHM. In my household I do most of the housework (and we have a big house), all of the cooking, shopping, and most of the yard work (pulling weeds, planting plants, pruning, clearing leaves, etc.); he does the dinner dishes, mows the lawn, and takes care of the pool. He brings in the money but I take care of the most important people in our lives... our two children (2 & 3 yo). Our real estate properties responsibilities are divided... I do the paper work and he does the landlord stuff. Even when I was in college full-time and working full-time... I was not as tired as I am now. I am vastly underpaid.
If my husband has a hard day and wants to take a load off that's fine with me. If the house is not perfect when he gets home he never complains - and he better not. I have a profound respect for how hard he works and he has the same for me. When he comes home, he's playing with the kids (who adore him), so, I'd rather he do that than help around the house.
Should the husband help around the house, or is his job just bringing in the money?
Do you think that he should have to help do laundry? What about running the dishes through the dishwasher? Sweeping, vacuuming, dusting, cooking, shopping,paying the bills,etc. Any of these? I think that he feels like he is the provider of the family. He brings home the money.
I also think, that he see`s me as a homemaker. So, while I have two things going at one time, and an arm full of clean laundry, is it ok for him to sit and relax on the couch, since he has to go to work later?
Hmmmm...I think that he could offer to help, don`t you, or not?
Opinions?
I think if you are a stay at home wife then you should take care of all the household chores. If you are a stay at home mom then the husband should at least help with the dishes once in a while.
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