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Hi all. So I am in a relationship with a man for 7 months now. Last month he had plans to get plastic surgery and the plan fell through due to the surgeon not being as prepared as she said she was in the initial consultation. (Tummy tuck and body lift, he had lost 120 pounds but needed the help)
This seems to have started a downward spiral for him mentally, other things did not go his way either, including us having our first "bad sex" and then that time of the month so there was no sex.
He has been flakeybin the past and I've gotten through it, thought I handled it nicely, usually being pretty understanding. Buy he cancelled a plan and I could sense him moving away from me as we led up to the weekend we were supposed to be together. This triggered my anxiety and I have not gotten out of it. It's been 3 weeks. I pushed a little and rather than keep our plans that night he told me he couldn't see me for an undetermined amount of time but we would text and talk like normal. We discussed this for a couple hours as it upset me. He said he didn't know how long he needs several weeks maybe but changed that to a couple weeks when I said I really have no reason not to move away then as I work at home and I live in an expensive apartment near him.
The time came we were supposed to see eachother. The day before he cancelled on me said he was in love with me and did not want to break up. I fought him on it and now he insists he needs several weeks non negotiable, he's not rehashing it with me, and be needs me in his corner because he loves me but he's questioning me now because I'm not being supportive.
I hate the position I'm in, limbo and uncertainty really triggers me. Any suggestions? I am open to moving away but it's not that easy to do. His reason for this time apart, he wants to lose 40 pounds and he is afraid I'll no longer be attracted to him at the weight he is. I told him shutting me out will kill this relationship but he is not listening.
Hi all. So I am in a relationship with a man for 7 months now. Last month he had plans to get plastic surgery and the plan fell through due to the surgeon not being as prepared as she said she was in the initial consultation. (Tummy tuck and body lift, he had lost 120 pounds but needed the help)
This seems to have started a downward spiral for him mentally, other things did not go his way either, including us having our first "bad sex" and then that time of the month so there was no sex.
He has been flakeybin the past and I've gotten through it, thought I handled it nicely, usually being pretty understanding. Buy he cancelled a plan and I could sense him moving away from me as we led up to the weekend we were supposed to be together. This triggered my anxiety and I have not gotten out of it. It's been 3 weeks. I pushed a little and rather than keep our plans that night he told me he couldn't see me for an undetermined amount of time but we would text and talk like normal. We discussed this for a couple hours as it upset me. He said he didn't know how long he needs several weeks maybe but changed that to a couple weeks when I said I really have no reason not to move away then as I work at home and I live in an expensive apartment near him.
The time came we were supposed to see eachother. The day before he cancelled on me said he was in love with me and did not want to break up. I fought him on it and now he insists he needs several weeks non negotiable, he's not rehashing it with me, and be needs me in his corner because he loves me but he's questioning me now because I'm not being supportive.
I hate the position I'm in, limbo and uncertainty really triggers me. Any suggestions? I am open to moving away but it's not that easy to do. His reason for this time apart, he wants to lose 40 pounds and he is afraid I'll no longer be attracted to him at the weight he is. I told him shutting me out will kill this relationship buthe is not listening.
Sounds to me like he's scared. You've done a great job in letting him know your position. He told you his position. If either of you can't tolerate the others' position, then you know what must be done. The sooner, the better. Right now, he's wasting your time and emotional energy. Be glad it wasn't for 7 or 17 years.
Good luck, and go seek new adventures, Grasshopper!
Losing 40 lbs could take a while. You might not see him a long while. Is he relapsing, like gaining weight and he doesn't want you to know?
You have to decide if you want to take this ride with him through his ups and downs of food addiction.
He wants you to be supportive of this. You aren't married, but are you committed? That’s up to you, but you aren't changing his illness by saying you'll move away.
If you need to get a cheaper apt, don’t put life on hold for this guy. He may not be capable of much more than asking you to support him. This time apart might clarify things.
Maybe telling him he is more to you than what he looks like, that you just want him to be in a healthy place mentally and emotionally, etc. might reassure him.
Maybe you could do a video counseling session just to communicate better. For ex. his cancelling and flaking unreliability is pushing you away. Saying he is in love with you doesn't count for much when his behavior shows he is self centered or not ready to handle a relationship.
I have told him a lot of times that I don't care about his weight. He does have a psychological issue surrounding it. I do believe he believes I'm losing sexual attraction. But this not seeing me is worse than his few extra pounds.
He's definitely self centered. I don't know if cares about being in a relationship or not. I get mad because he's supposedly only been with 4 women besides me, 2 were wives so he lived with them, and he did live with the girlfriend before me. But you can't see me for several weeks? He had also mentioned he needed the surgery because no matter what he did he just could not get rid of the extra skin. . .
I really resent him for this, he stopped with the flakiness and was on his best behavior the month leading up to the surgery because I was going to take care of him afterwards. And now he just ditches me.. First few months were really good too, a little rocky before July as I became less tolerant of flakiness. And then total shut out. . .but I'm in love with you and don't want to break up. I feel like i don't exist in his life and he just keeps me hooked rather than breaking up with me. He's totally shut down, I have no idea if he's doing anything this holiday weekend because we don't hardly talk about anything real anymore.
Sounds to me like he's scared. You've done a great job in letting him know your position. He told you his position. If either of you can't tolerate the others' position, then you know what must be done. The sooner, the better. Right now, he's wasting your time and emotional energy. Be glad it wasn't for 7 or 17 years.
Good luck, and go seek new adventures, Grasshopper!
Don’t wait. You can do better. Your guy has serious problems if he’d rather be on a diet than spend time with you. What you’re seeing is the tip of the iceberg.
Gather up your self esteem and walk away from this one. It’s just too difficult and absolutely no fun.
Don’t wait. You can do better. Your guy has serious problems if he’d rather be on a diet than spend time with you. What you’re seeing is the tip of the iceberg.
Gather up your self esteem and walk away from this one. It’s just too difficult and absolutely no fun.
It does sound crazy he'd rather be on a diet than see me. But that's what he's saying. Him saying he's in love with me is nonsense. He'd miss me if he were in love with me.
If one has to ask random strangers on a message forum if they should continue to pursue/proceed with any relationship, it's a pretty good sign it's time to move on for good.
If one has to ask random strangers on a message forum if they should continue to pursue/proceed with any relationship, it's a pretty good sign it's time to move on for good.
Maybe, most of the time. It's just more unemotional than people who know me.
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