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We often hear this with the genders flipped, too--the ugly girl should be grateful that he asked her out, or how dare she turn him down because she's fat, has she looked in a mirror? yadda yadda.
Oh why’d you do that… I had to go find it:
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I recall a couple of obese women that posted something online. One said she's looking for a handsome, good looking, successful guy, right?
Looked at this woman's photos and thought, "Has SHE looked in a mirror lately? She was obese. She was a school teacher.
A teacher no less, how dare she!
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Another woman I saw on POF, said in her profile 'No less than 6 feet tall" and she's over 50 and wasn't really all that much to look at. She had a lot of angle shots.
Saw her pop up on a local singles Facebook group, recent photos showed her she had cankles (big woman).
Cankles?! Surely that’s close to a felony. (I won’t post the username as he’s no longer able to defend himself.)
I get what you’re saying though, OP. I’ve seen (from the outside) an example of someone doing everything he could to wait on and slave for his physically more attractive girlfriend. It seems sad or lame, unless you know everything about their relationship, maybe her ugliness is on the inside? Maybe she has addictions?
There always seems to be a trade off in those situations, the favor of one dating the other isn’t always apparent.
The only actual abusive guy I ever went out with was a skinny, pimply nerdy guy. People at work made fun of him and were shocked I'd date him. He was super nice (why I went out with him) until we started dating then he turned into a jealous monster who tried to make ME jealous of other women. He now thought he could get the hottest girls at work because he got such an ego boost by me dating him, I was like a stepping stone to the prize, but he was delusional. Then it was like my fault he went off the rails because I opened Pandora's box and some people blamed me for his craziness. It was a hot mess and I was done with the nerdy, homely faux "nice guy" after that. Nope.
Cankles?! Surely that’s close to a felony. (I won’t post the username as he’s no longer able to defend himself.)
I get what you’re saying though, OP. I’ve seen (from the outside) an example of someone doing everything he could to wait on and slave for his physically more attractive girlfriend. It seems sad or lame, unless you know everything about their relationship, maybe her ugliness is on the inside? Maybe she has addictions?
There always seems to be a trade off in those situations, the favor of one dating the other isn’t always apparent.
I feel like this wouldn't be a thing if people just stuck to their guns and strictly dated people they were mutually attracted to and who had most if not all of the qualities they wanted in a partner. Too many people are trying to fill in time and wasting it with folks who aren't good for them until the "right one" comes along. Just stay single until or if that person comes along so you don't end up on YT, TikTok, IG, etc. spouting nonsense.
A very popular sentiment that is growing in the dating world today is the fact when an “ugly” male is given a chance by any women, the ugly man will mistreat the woman because he has a major ego from the fact a woman saw his way and saw fit to give him a chance so he thinks he is on top of the world.
That inflated ego happens, regardless of the looks of the person. They start viewing the person they got with as a block to accessing more opportunities because hey, if it was this easy, then I can easily get more… Or,” I got so confident after we got together, and people are looking at me now, but I’m stuck in a relationship with you ”. Some don't say it, just act sullen vs when trying to court you. Once they “won”, zero or minimal effort given.
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1. There are plenty of very attractive men who treat their women awful.
2. There is no scientific evidence to suggest that less attractive men treat their partners any worse than attractive men. However, we have to bring a person’s ego to the argument. There is a chance that when a less attractive partner does you wrong, you take is more personally because you feel that you are the more attractive partner in the relationship and you felt you gave your partner a chance to be with you even though they are less attractive than you.
When the less attractive partner violates your expectations as the less attractive partner you take it personally because you may have an expectation of a more attractive partner’s potential to do you wrong but it may come from out of left field that the less attractive partner does you wrong because you don’t expect them to have much a good chance elsewhere in the dating world.
Only on rare exception did I date anybody I didn't find pleasant to look at. I can find something attractive about many people, with limits. The whole personality, intelligence, values, etc. counts more for attractiveness. So I don't really go around calling people ugly unless their personality and behavior, habits drive that. Once found someone I knew unattractive- the habits, the cursing, etc. and against my judgement slowly got worn down into so called dating them but it was like being brainwashed.
I suppose he was the first “ ugly” and maybe I did have some mistaken assumption of a silly type that he would be more loyal or nice since he had a dearth of options, but wrong assumption. Worst person ever. I’d argue people with low self respect or insecurity aren't respectful of others. No matter their looks. Worst mistake oml.
It's a little bit of a strange concept to me, on the face of it. I don't really understand why a woman would agree to date someone she wasn't attracted to. If she's not physically attracted to him...surely SOMETHING attracts her...be it his money, his status, his fame...implied security...I mean SOMETHING drew her to him...right? Do women typically take on charity cases?
I'm just trying to think this through...
Let's say I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. Men are worshipping the ground I walk on, and I'm quite used to that, and I expect it. BUT, I decide to give the ugly guy in the corner a chance, and go out with him. But, why would I do that? If I can snap my fingers and have anyone I want, why am I picking the ugly guy? I guess I don't get the idea of the beautiful woman getting insulted because the ugly guy wasn't nice to her.
I'm not trying to be argumentative...just not really getting this.
Attractiveness comes from many places. Every guy I've ever been involved with is average looking. There was no lust at first sight. But as I got to know them, the person they were made them attractive to me. Whether it changed something in my brain to find them attractive, or whether I began to see the things about them that were attractive, I don't know.
I really am not sure I want to get into the debate about attraction and why it is the way it is or the concept of "leagues"-- we just had a thread about those topics shut down, and for good reason-- but I admit I too sometimes wonder why an attractive woman picks a much-less-attractive man. Yes, I get it-- he's a great guy. But there are also great guys who are really attractive (it's not like it's an either/or thing), and as a very attractive woman, she could hold out for those guys.
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Originally Posted by fleetiebelle
We often hear this with the genders flipped, too--the ugly girl should be grateful that he asked her out, or how dare she turn him down because she's fat, has she looked in a mirror? yadda yadda.
Yeah, I've seen that a few times-- a guy figures it's a definite score with an unattractive women, because nobody ever asks her out, right? (And then they find out that SURPRISE... being unattractive doesn't mean a person doesn't have standards, or wouldn't rather be alone than with someone they're not into...) I don't know, do women have the same mindset? "If I ask that guy out, of course he'll accept; he's unattractive and thus must be desperate"?
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Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
Reading The Dissenter's post, I actually do think there was some of that on some level in his brain--that he felt as though by choosing a less-attractive partner, he had an edge on me.
I've gotten the impression from some men that they want a woman they can look down on-- she's less attractive, less smart, has a worse job, or whatever it is. They want to feel like "the good one" in the relationship, don't want to be shown up in any way by the woman.
Attractiveness comes from many places. Every guy I've ever been involved with is average looking. There was no lust at first sight. But as I got to know them, the person they were made them attractive to me. Whether it changed something in my brain to find them attractive, or whether I began to see the things about them that were attractive, I don't know.
I really am not sure I want to get into the debate about attraction and why it is the way it is or the concept of "leagues"-- we just had a thread about those topics shut down, and for good reason-- but I admit I too sometimes wonder why an attractive woman picks a much-less-attractive man. Yes, I get it-- he's a great guy. But there are also great guys who are really attractive (it's not like it's an either/or thing), and as a very attractive woman, she could hold out for those guys.
Yeah, I've seen that a few times-- a guy figures it's a definite score with an unattractive women, because nobody ever asks her out, right? (And then they find out that SURPRISE... being unattractive doesn't mean a person doesn't have standards, or wouldn't rather be alone than with someone they're not into...) I don't know, do women have the same mindset? "If I ask that guy out, of course he'll accept; he's unattractive and thus must be desperate"?
I've gotten the impression from some men that they want a woman they can look down on-- she's less attractive, less smart, has a worse job, or whatever it is. They want to feel like "the good one" in the relationship, don't want to be shown up in any way by the woman.
It sounds like you kind of agree with the better looking person having more value and that if you could get attractive looking guys you wouldn’t settle for those average dudes
When the less attractive partner violates your expectations as the less attractive partner you take it personally because you may have an expectation of a more attractive partner’s potential to do you wrong but it may come from out of left field that the less attractive partner does you wrong because you don’t expect them to have much a good chance elsewhere in the dating world.
Thoughts?
Just to assure a level playing field, let's also contemplate the possibility that the "benevolent" female, convinced she has given the ugster a bigger break than he would ever deserve,...treats him exactly that way....and when the male reacts, suddenly the bargain the female thought she was entitled to, is no longer on the table.
EG: "How dare that commoner refuse to kiss my fanny" thoughts?
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