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I know not many of you hear from the cheater's side of the story. I know I'm going to get enough hatred just for posting about cheating. Please no labels no insults, please don't. I already feel like absolute trash even years later.
Present-day:
Even though I'm in a stable marriage for 12 years now and we have fraternal twins, a boy and a girl (both are now 10 years old), sometimes I find a hard time forgiving myself for my past cheating.
My Story:
I've cheated on him way back in 2005. At the time we were dating (bf and gf) for a year. I was then 19 and he was 21. I started cheating on him with his then best friend Chris. It went on for 3 months until he caught us in his house. We were asleep on the couch. He was in tears, broke up and well I tried everything to win him back. I had little to no hope he would come back.
Then 2-3 months later, we started talking again. I felt so grateful to have him back, I felt like the most luckiest girl ever. I went to counseling with him, answered all his questions (no matter now repeated or hard they were), cancelled any girls night out, gave him access to my passwords, etc.
Our relationship got stronger between 2008-2009. Then he proposed by mid June 2009 (claimed all was forgiven and it wouldn't be brought back) and we got married in Jan 2010.
My issue is I can't help it but some days feel like absolute garbage for hurting him badly at the time. Other days I feel as if I got rewarded with little consequences for doing something terrible. I think it's a miracle it even progressed to marriage and kids. I never cheated again since (been trying to be the best gf/wife/mother of our kids, still making it up to him) but still, after what I did to him I didn't deserve all this. He has already forgiven me but sometimes I can't forgive myself. Sometimes I'm still wondering if he might still be hurt but is hiding it all.
I know not many of you hear from the cheater's side of the story. I know I'm going to get enough hatred just for posting about cheating. Please no labels no insults, please don't. I already feel like absolute trash even years later.
Present-day:
Even though I'm in a stable marriage for 12 years now and we have fraternal twins, a boy and a girl (both are now 10 years old), sometimes I find a hard time forgiving myself for my past cheating.
My Story:
I've cheated on him way back in 2005. At the time we were dating (bf and gf) for a year. I was then 19 and he was 21. I started cheating on him with his then best friend Chris. It went on for 3 months until he caught us in his house. We were asleep on the couch. He was in tears, broke up and well I tried everything to win him back. I had little to no hope he would come back.
Then 2-3 months later, we started talking again. I felt so grateful to have him back, I felt like the most luckiest girl ever. I went to counseling with him, answered all his questions (no matter now repeated or hard they were), cancelled any girls night out, gave him access to my passwords, etc.
Our relationship got stronger between 2008-2009. Then he proposed by mid June 2009 (claimed all was forgiven and it wouldn't be brought back) and we got married in Jan 2010.
My issue is I can't help it but some days feel like absolute garbage for hurting him badly at the time. Other days I feel as if I got rewarded with little consequences for doing something terrible. I think it's a miracle it even progressed to marriage and kids. I never cheated again since (been trying to be the best gf/wife/mother of our kids, still making it up to him) but still, after what I did to him I didn't deserve all this. He has already forgiven me but sometimes I can't forgive myself. Sometimes I'm still wondering if he might still be hurt but is hiding it all.
Girl, quit beating yourself up! He's forgiven you. Let your negative feelings go and be happy with him! Don't ever bring it up again!
You weren't married when you cheated. You were young and that's the time for exploring relationships. You can't change the past, only learn from it. Let it go.
I don't get why the obsession over something that happened 17 years ago.
He may or may not still have some bitterness over what happened. After all, I'm assuming he lost his best friend as well over this betrayal.
But that's beside the point. He seemed to have kept his word over not bringing it back up again. He forgave you, even proposed to you and has been married to you this long. So why are you the one that keeps bringing this up in your mind? It almost feels like you want to tell him this, for whatever reason. Maybe a part of you even thinks that he was 'weak' for taking you back after such an act. Whatever the reason, repeatedly thinking about this serves zero purpose.
Please, for the sake of your husband and family, stop obsessing over this, and talk to a therapist privately if need to get rid of these self defeating attitudes.
Your brain wasn't mature at 19, the pre-frontal cortex doesn't mature until mid to late 20's and that part of the brain controls impulses. Blame the cheating on your brain's immaturity that you had no control over and I bet your husband realizes it too.
Years ago, my brother was out for drinks with some co-workers and spouses. The topic of infidelity arose. One of the men said, "Well my wife would never cheat on me, you can bet your ass." The wife said, "Oh yeah? Well, I already did. You remember when you'd come home past midnight every night of the week? You remember when we were couldn't pay the rent because you were partying all the time? Well I got sick of it and I had an affair with one of your friends. Don't ask me who, I won't tell you. And if you start pulling that again, I'll leave you."
Awkward silence. "I'm going to start making that up to you right now..." he said.
I wonder if your husband really had zero responsibility for it. Maybe it was not as dramatic as I posted above, but maybe he wasn't paying enough attention to you, etc.? I really believe the responsibility for failures in relationships, or successes for that matter, are usually about 50/50. Teamwork creates the outcomes, so to speak.
But OK let's say it was all your fault. The hardest person in the world to forgive (if you have a conscience) is yourself. If you didn't have a conscience, you wouldn't have posted this, so moving on...
Adding to what others have said, people make mistakes, even some big mistakes, but they can learn and improve and regret and reform. Some say they feel truly feel sorry but we always wonder, don't we? And if a guy gets out of prison from a 12 year sentence after 8 years with good behavior or whatever, people grumble that he wasn't fully punished and probably isn't sorry at all. People can be really punitive.
You feel plenty of regret, obviously, and clearly you've suffered with the guilt. Setting this cheating when you were a younger person, what do you think is so unlikeable or unlovable about Roselyn86? My hunch is that you've gone out of your way and done everything to repay your husband for taking another chance on you.
My opinion: stop beating yourself up, thank your lucky stars, and it's full speed ahead.
I guess I've been too hard on myself. The cheating back then was indeed my fault. Even if I was lacking attention or there were issues, it was still my job to communicate things with him instead of cheating for 3 months with his then friend. I'm glad our relationship/marriage has gotten stronger than ever over the years.
In regards to his former friend, we haven't ever spoken to him since. He's been permanently removed from our lives. Even though after what I did to him, he only hated him.
Just don't do it again. I personally have utterly no mercy for cheaters. I think it is the emotional equivalent of burning someone alive, it is horrifically painful and leaves permanent scars. The fact you are perpetrating it on someone you claim to care about is even worse.
I guess I've been too hard on myself. The cheating back then was indeed my fault. Even if I was lacking attention or there were issues, it was still my job to communicate things with him instead of cheating for 3 months with his then friend. I'm glad our relationship/marriage has gotten stronger than ever over the years.
In regards to his former friend, we haven't ever spoken to him since. He's been permanently removed from our lives. Even though after what I did to him, he only hated him.
The fully adult you can't judge the barely adult you. The adult you has experiences and education that the younger version didn't have. You didn't have a crystal ball.
My sister (RIP sis, miss you!), the wisest person I ever knew, married for the first time in her mid-40s. Just before marrying, her beau (best thing that ever happened to her) said, "Well, I guess we should disclose some past mistakes we made..." in the spirit of not hiding past She said no. NO. Her reasoning is that the mistakes we made and the pain we suffered as a result are often the things that forged us, made us who we are. In other words, these things are the very root of why we love each other in the first place.
Every time you think about it and feel badly about it, put $10 in an envelope. When the kitty grows to $500, buy your husband something with the money, an item, tickets to a really great show, an elaborate dinner out, etc. just because you are happy to have life working out. After you spend the money, start a new kitty. Do this for the rest of your life.
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