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Because I dated men? I heard their complaints. In my 40s when I started online dating, my inbox was so full I couldn't literally keep up? Men in my age group were constantly complaining about women not returning their messages, not be able to get dates. A lot of them obviously made good money, and most came across as genuinely nice guys (not "nice" guys). My friends in my age group have similar experiences.
Generally speaking, your experiences with the opposite sex when you're young are going to be similar when you are older. This applies to both sexes.
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Because I dated men? I heard their complaints. In my 40s when I started online dating, my inbox was so full I couldn't literally keep up? Men in my age group were constantly complaining about women not returning their messages, not be able to get dates. A lot of them obviously made good money, and most came across as genuinely nice guys (not "nice" guys). My friends in my age group have similar experiences.
Generally speaking, your experiences with the opposite sex when you're young are going to be similar when you are older. This applies to both sexes.
I knew you were going to say this.
Your personal experiences =/= the dating experiences of men.
There are two entirely different issues I knew you were going to conflate. The first is YOUR personal experience, which is irrelevant to my initial post. The second is the experience of MEN, many of whom experience a marked improvement in their dating lives in their late 20s and into their 30s, and many of whom experience women who are far more aggressive about obtaining commitment than they were when these men were in their early to mid 20s. With regard to the latter, you absolutely cannot speak on that because you have never experienced dating as a man.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iamwhatyoumademe1129
I agree, friendship within a relationship is extremely important. It is just something I saw on a course I took. Where if you try to be friends first, it does not work since you will fall on the zone. And like a black hole, there is no coming out. That is why it is advised to ask someone out from 2 weeks to a month max of getting to know them. Also, if you try to be friends first, it might come off as manipulative and dishonest because all this time you wanted her as more than a friend. It is interesting how relationships can develop out of friendships, as I have never experienced that.
One more question. I still see her once a week at work. Before going on dates, we rarely talked at work. Just a "hi how are you" kind of thing and maybe a small talk. Now I feel like I am kinda ignoring her. I only say hi when she says hi to me. I sometimes help her out if she needs help, but not because of her, but because I like to help people in general. But sometimes when she passes by me I just pretend she does not exist. I also find myself talking to everyone around her but not her. Am I being rude? Should I talk to her? And just to make it clear I wouldn't talk to her to try and win her over, because that is impossible. The war is lost. But I just do not want to be seen as a rude person if you know what I mean.
I think the best thing you can do going forward is to be cordial if you have to work with her and absolutely nothing above that. Help her out as a coworker if she solicits, keep convos business related and nothing else.
And also don’t ever date anyone you work with ever again. From an HR guy’s perspective, it’s more trouble than it is worth if things go left. Better to not take that risk.
I think the best thing you can do going forward is to be cordial if you have to work with her and absolutely nothing above that. Help her out as a coworker if she solicits, keep convos business related and nothing else.
And also don’t ever date anyone you work with ever again. From an HR guy’s perspective, it’s more trouble than it is worth if things go left. Better to not take that risk.
I agree with this. As someone who once dated a woman I worked with, it made for some difficult times when we had issues. I wouldn't do it again.
I mean we were a perfect fit as far as I know. We had similar interests, share same values, there is just so much in common, she is like a female copy of me. There were "sparks". The chemistry was certainly there,..........
No, actually, you were not a perfect fit. You do not have so much in common. She was not a female copy of yourself.
You made that all up in your head. That was how you felt, so you projected it onto her and believed that was how she felt. If she really actually felt that way, you two would now be dating. Or married with the first child on the way. She did not feel that way and did not want to be stuffed in that box where it looks a lot like you don't realize that she is a separate person from you. Just because you were feeling sparks does not mean that she was feeling sparks.
Be polite to her at work and cordial. And for future reference, it is never a good idea to date the people you work with. Now you are uncomfortable at work and making everyone around you uncomfortable.
And for future reference, it is never a good idea to date the people you work with. Now you are uncomfortable at work and making everyone around you uncomfortable.
I wouldn't say that. A lot of people met their SO at work.
Obviously, this requires some discretion. It's one thing to date someone in a different department/division on a different floor with a different reporting line. It's another thing to date your supervisor/team member, which is often against employer policy.
Dating co-workers has its risks, but it also makes sense on some level because you are spending so much time together. You can grow closer to co-workers than some of your own friends and family.
No, actually, you were not a perfect fit. You do not have so much in common. She was not a female copy of yourself.
You made that all up in your head. That was how you felt, so you projected it onto her and believed that was how she felt. If she really actually felt that way, you two would now be dating. Or married with the first child on the way. She did not feel that way and did not want to be stuffed in that box where it looks a lot like you don't realize that she is a separate person from you. Just because you were feeling sparks does not mean that she was feeling sparks.
Be polite to her at work and cordial. And for future reference, it is never a good idea to date the people you work with. Now you are uncomfortable at work and making everyone around you uncomfortable.
If she did not feel that way, why would she flirt with me both in text and in person, blush and look at me at work, telling me I am cute, asking me questions about the future. Even held hands. Agreed on a third date, literally begged me to see a movie she and her parents liked. Obviously after I did all the stupid stuff, it all changed. But is it possible she was actually interested until the second date, until I screwed up (moving too fast even though she told me I didn’t do anything), and then changed her mind?
If she did not feel that way, why would she flirt with me both in text and in person, blush and look at me at work, telling me I am cute, asking me questions about the future. Even held hands. Agreed on a third date, literally begged me to see a movie she and her parents liked. Obviously after I did all the stupid stuff, it all changed. But is it possible she was actually interested until the second date, until I screwed up (moving too fast even though she told me I didn’t do anything), and then changed her mind?
Who knows? I've been "into" someone, then not "into" them before. I can find someone to be attractive, have some initial high excitement in going out on dates with him, then lose interest for one reason or another...or for no reason at all. This was a far more common occurrence when I was a teenager learning to navigate dating than as an experienced adult, but that's exactly where this young woman is in her own dating journey. Just like you, O.P., she's figuring things out. It's a process for all of us.
There aren't pat answers to much of life's conundrums--especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships. As frustrating as this can be, you won't always get answers or even closure. Don't blame yourself, what you did or didn't do, etc.--this woman decided that you're not her person. Would you rather that she continued to date you if she had doubts in her mind, let you become even more attached to her, then break it off than do what she did which was to end something before it truly began?
It's been two months since you went out with this woman on a handful of dates. This level of obsession with what went awry isn't good for one's mental health. Letting go isn't always as easy as waving a magic wand nor is dealing with disappointment that things didn't go as you'd have like for them to go.
While I don't necessarily fault you for dating someone from work given your age(s) and the fact that you only work together on Saturdays, i.e., this isn't exactly a career track gig for either you or this young woman, the way that you're dealing with this is indicative that, for you, dating a coworker isn't a wise idea. For example, have you asked yourself how you'll handle it if she goes on a date with another coworker? Would you process it with grace and maturity or would you go off the deep end even if only in your mind?
Who knows? I've been "into" someone, then not "into" them before. I can find someone to be attractive, have some initial high excitement in going out on dates with him, then lose interest for one reason or another...or for no reason at all. This was a far more common occurrence when I was a teenager learning to navigate dating than as an experienced adult, but that's exactly where this young woman is in her own dating journey. Just like you, O.P., she's figuring things out. It's a process for all of us.
There aren't pat answers to much of life's conundrums--especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships. As frustrating as this can be, you won't always get answers or even closure. Don't blame yourself, what you did or didn't do, etc.--this woman decided that you're not her person. Would you rather that she continued to date you if she had doubts in her mind, let you become even more attached to her, then break it off than do what she did which was to end something before it truly began?
It's been two months since you went out with this woman on a handful of dates. This level of obsession with what went awry isn't good for one's mental health. Letting go isn't always as easy as waving a magic wand nor is dealing with disappointment that things didn't go as you'd have like for them to go.
While I don't necessarily fault you for dating someone from work given your age(s) and the fact that you only work together on Saturdays, i.e., this isn't exactly a career track gig for either you or this young woman, the way that you're dealing with this is indicative that, for you, dating a coworker isn't a wise idea. For example, have you asked yourself how you'll handle it if she goes on a date with another coworker? Would you process it with grace and maturity or would you go off the deep end even if only in your mind?
I guess I just wanted to find what I did wrong and how to fix it. I don’t know why, but I keep thinking that if I do everything perfect, I can attract ANY girl. And if things end, it is my fault. Maybe that’s what’s eating me up. In the course I took, it said that if you do everything right, you can get any girl you want. And if it does not work, either I did something wrong, or she is crazy. But now I am finding out that the dating world is not black and white. I can do everything right, check all the boxes, but not work out for whatever reason.
In this case, it probably didn’t work out because of how bad I messed up. I had the win in my hands. Everything was going absolutely perfect, according to what I planned. Up until I overplanned and got desperate.
And that’s a good question. I don’t mean to brag or anything like that, but no guy at work would ever stand a chance with her. Of course, she is pretty, but no guy would make out the first date alive. That’s because she is very religious and the guys at work are not even close to her on that sense. She is a very rare girl to find. The guys at work label her as “boring” since she is so reserved and because of her hobbies and beliefs. In that stuff, her and I matched perfectly. Same level of religiousness, similar “boring” hobbies, same way of thinking. Same political view, similar aspirations. So many things in common.
No guy has the courage or is willing to ask her out. They all thought I was weird for trying to date her. But if somehow she started dating someone at work, I would be relieved. I would be relieved because, all she told me was a complete lie and she does not meet my standards. But obviously I would be really pissed off. But I know how to hide my emotions, so nothing would happen.
Your personal experiences =/= the dating experiences of men.
There are two entirely different issues I knew you were going to conflate. The first is YOUR personal experience, which is irrelevant to my initial post. The second is the experience of MEN, many of whom experience a marked improvement in their dating lives in their late 20s and into their 30s, and many of whom experience women who are far more aggressive about obtaining commitment than they were when these men were in their early to mid 20s. With regard to the latter, you absolutely cannot speak on that because you have never experienced dating as a man.
Hope that makes sense.
Right back at you? I'm not the ones telling girls or guys there dating life is going to markedly change once they hit their 30/40/50s or whatnot. Sure, some of those different age groups do morph from partying, to looking to settle down, wanting kids and a house. That applies to both sexes. But many women no longer have that as their ultimate goal. Thus the falling birth rate, and marriages in later years.
I've met plenty of men who were wanting marriage and kids in 30s. Not everyone is looking for that. Yeah. Most twenty year olds of both sex aren't normally hot to trot for marriage. This ain't the 50s.
I'm saying it will basically be the same. If someone is not good with the opposite gender, that rarely marks any significant change when they are older. Sure some people change, the fat person got uber ripped, etc. But generally, it will all be the same.
Because the problem is with the individual, not with the opposite gender or society.
Hope that makes sense.
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