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I think after reading, this is a her issue and something that dawned on her in between date 2 & 3. I think with the religion angle and her young age asking to hold hands before doing it was reasonable. The second date about inquiring about serious relationship would be a yellow flag and concern. I know the religious angle pushes “intentional dating” but that will scare most off in the regular world. I also agree that the “God told her” was a scapegoat line to get rid of you without incident.
Why would inquiring about a serious relationship be considered a yellow flag?
But yeah it was stupid of me to say that. I was just so afraid of getting friendzoned that I felt the only way to steer clear of it would be to tell her my intentions and maybe hold hands even though I prefer to take things slow. And people around me told me to take it slow, and I just ignored them. Now I am suffering the consequences. Me and her share so much in common and see this potential relationship end because of my stupidity keeps me awake at night.
I don't think I will ever find someone like her. But at least I learned my lesson. To take things slow and just go with the flow.
You are pretty demanding. Myself, I would have found that off-putting.
Perhaps learn to control your enthusiasm about getting the woman firmly tied up and committed to you. Give her time to study you and evaluate how the relationship is going before you chain her up (and I'm not talking about in the fun way)
I guess you are right. I just didn't want to waste time. I wanted to know if she was looking for the same thing I was. And now that I think about it, it was stupid. We are both religious, and going on a date, I should have assumed she wanted the same thing.
As to holding her hand, I was afraid. I was afraid of getting friendzoned. I read somewhere online if you don't make a move by the second date you will enter the friendzone and there is no coming out. I typically prefer to take things nice and slow, but fear got the best of me.
It sucks it ended because of my stupidity. Oh well, lesson learned.
On the 2nd date, she wanted to know what kind of house the two of you would live in?
Are you two in some kind of religious community, where dating is expected to lead to marriage, so it's not out of the ordinary to talk about what house you'll buy together already on the 2nd date? Because by the norms of the general population, broadly speaking, it's way too soon to assume buying a house together will happen, at a dating stage when you don't know if you're compatible long term or not. People generally regard that type of topic as inappropriate at such an early stage, to the extent that it's viewed as a red flag indicative of either neediness, or a deliberate attempt at manipulation (if it's a guy introducing the topic) to create a strong impression of being marriage-minded and already falling in love as a ruse to fast-forward the dating to the sex stage.
What's a little puzzling is that her words and actions seem contradictory. She raised the topic of buying a house together (in the future) on the 2nd date, but wasn't comfortable enough with you yet to hold hands. That seems like mixed signals. In view of that, I don't think you were out of line to take her hand, since she'd already indicated she saw a future for you two. Maybe she has a thing about physical contact too soon. Who knows? Go figure.
We did hold hands. We held hands after I told her I was looking for something serious and she said the same. But I messed up by telling her that I have been praying to find someone, and asking her what she saw in me. All that needy and insecure crap.
After that I asked her if I could hold her hand as we were walking. She froze and thought about it for about 5 seconds before saying yes. She seemed happy. Later in the car, she asked me questions like "Where do you see yourself after college", "are you looking for a family", We should get a house in the country with horses. All that future stuff. We agreed on everything. Then I asked her out on a third date and she said yes, but not as excited as the yes I got when I asked her on a second date after the first. And then a week later (We texted that week, the texting was flirty and she initiated most of the interaction) is when we went to the movies and when her mood completely changed. Seemed distant, didn't want to hold hands, she seemed sad.
Then 2 days later on the third date she was more happy, like the second date. So I asked her if we could hold hands (Stupid mistake on my end) and she said she was not comfortable with that. I respected her decision.
Later in the end of the date I ask her out on a fourth date, which she said she needed to talk to God and then me. A week later, she told me that after much prayer, God indicated to her we would not end up together.
I don't think you did anything wrong. But who meets parents on a first date?!!!
Eh. I didn't think that much of that--especially as this young woman is still a teenager from what I'm guessing is a more traditional household.
When I was a teenager and later, as a young adult when home during college breaks, my dates always came to the door and usually had a brief meet and greet with my mom and/or dad. My folks weren't particularly conservative or religious and were very good about staying out of my private life (within reason when I was a teen) but that's just the way that we did things.
It seems as though the O.P. and this young woman got ahead of themselves. It's easy to get caught up in the moment at their ages before realizing that someone isn't a good fit.
Why would inquiring about a serious relationship be considered a yellow flag?
But yeah it was stupid of me to say that. I was just so afraid of getting friendzoned that I felt the only way to steer clear of it would be to tell her my intentions and maybe hold hands even though I prefer to take things slow. And people around me told me to take it slow, and I just ignored them. Now I am suffering the consequences. Me and her share so much in common and see this potential relationship end because of my stupidity keeps me awake at night.
I don't think I will ever find someone like her. But at least I learned my lesson. To take things slow and just go with the flow.
Try to not let the disappointment eat you up even though it's not always easy to do so, O.P. You're young and are still learning to navigate life and interpersonal relationships.
You will meet someone else and you will think she is even better than the girl you just dated. It's the way it tends to work. You have plenty of time. You aren't in a race.
Eh. I didn't think that much of that--especially as this young woman is still a teenager from what I'm guessing is a more traditional household.
When I was a teenager and later, as a young adult when home during college breaks, my dates always came to the door and usually had a brief meet and greet with my mom and/or dad. My folks weren't particularly conservative or religious and were very good about staying out of my private life (within reason when I was a teen) but that's just the way that we did things.
It seems as though the O.P. and this young woman got ahead of themselves. It's easy to get caught up in the moment at their ages before realizing that someone isn't a good fit.
I mean we were a perfect fit as far as I know. We had similar interests, share same values, there is just so much in common, she is like a female copy of me. There were "sparks". The chemistry was certainly there, both in text and in person. And yeah I do realize I messed up. I told her to let me know if I was rushing things. She said I was not. But like she could have lied just as I did when she did not want to hold hands during the movie and later she said it was not her intention to hurt my feelings. Of course I lied and told her that my feelings were not hurt, even though they were, because I didn't want her to feel like she hurt me.
But yeah this is like an enigma. So hard to solve.
I mean we were a perfect fit as far as I know. We had similar interests, share same values, there is just so much in common, she is like a female copy of me. There were "sparks". The chemistry was certainly there, both in text and in person. And yeah I do realize I messed up. I told her to let me know if I was rushing things. She said I was not. But like she could have lied just as I did when she did not want to hold hands during the movie and later she said it was not her intention to hurt my feelings. Of course I lied and told her that my feelings were not hurt, even though they were, because I didn't want her to feel like she hurt me.
But yeah this is like an enigma. So hard to solve.
Three dates, two months ago. You're starting to cross the line into obsessing about what you think might have been if only.....
If this woman is not feeling it with you, she's not feeling it. It doesn't mean that you're a bad or undesirable person or that you screwed up things out of fear of being "friend-zoned" (although you might want to lose the whole notion of "friend-zoning" behind you)--it's just how the chips fell right now. I know that it hurts (I think that we've all been where you're at in your head at one point or another), but the pain will pass in due course.
If you're religious and respect this young woman's views about God (and right now, you seemingly don't), why not respect Him in your own right and do your best to understand that God might have someone else in mind for you? Sometimes, the person who you believe to be perfect for you turns out not to be and vice versa. Lick your wounds and, when you're ready, get back out there and try dating some other women and see how it goes.
The OP does what many people do in relationships, put the cart before the horse.
What people need to do before showing their serious intentions towards another, is to find out if the other person even has any genuine attraction to them in the first place. This is why reading visual and verbal cues on dates is so important.
You cannot will another person to like you. If there's no genuine attraction, then it's pointless to then tell that person you want to be serious with them. There's nothing I read in the OP's posts that indicate this lady ever had any real loving feelings towards him. Just because someone is friendly and happily agrees to go on a date or two, does NOT mean that person has the hots for you. I mean, it's pretty obvious what time it is when the lady herself straight up tells the OP she ain't feeling him (after the odd requests to hold her hand on multiple occasions).
I know what many of us on this section of the forum say will fall on deaf ears, but people can save so much time and heartache by properly vetting someone early on in the courtship process. You need to look for visual and verbal cues to determine if there is genuine interest involved. Just because you yourself have the hots for someone, doesn't mean the other person feels the same way.
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