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I'm afraid if you are telling your gay MARRIED friend that he should accept his homosexuality that you do not have his best interests at heart and you are not a true friend. Perhaps you are just like my husbands former best friend that he DUMPED (which makes me SOOOOO happy!) and wish to have a relationship yourself with your gay married friend and you want him to ruin his marriage so that you can go after him yourself. Not saying you are, but this was my experiencs.
Why not? I would tell a gay MARRIED friend in a heartbeat that he should accept his homosexuality. There's nothing at all wrong with being homosexual. Do you think that all gays and lesbians are going to burn in hell when they die?
And I think that it's very childish to be so gleeful about having "won" with your husband no longer being best friends with his BFF. While I do think that you should be his dearest and closest friend, I think that she should have been only demoted to being a close friend and not a BFF. You should not be playing this tug-o-war game with your husband's affections. One day it could backfire and he will leave you because you are too possessive and territorial of him.
And women do have a common and very bad habit of trying to fix the men they love. There is no fixing of anyone, you just have to love and accept them for who they really are, not your idealized version of them. I think that you liked the challenge of trying to straighten out your husband too much. So far, I think that you've prayed his gayness back into the closet temporarily, especially since you're both christians and you're convinced that being gay is so evil. And that's not a true conversion as you're using a fear of eternal damnation to change his actions. Otherwise, he's not choosing a heterosexual life because he enjoys it better.
I can't wait for your posted updates in the future. Next will come the pregnancy announcements as further proof of his being straight. But many years down the line... who knows what his feelings will be in ten or twenty years time? I know a number of gays that came out of the closet late in life after marriages to women and having kids. And finally they were happy with themselves now that they have accepted who they really are.
I don't think that your husband's ex BFF was wrong at all in her opinions.
I am his wife and I should be his best friend and be the one he wants to share all of his secrets with.
No, that is not healthy relationship. A best friend is very different from a spouse, and to expect your spouse to be "everything" to you, or you to be "everything" to your spouse is an unrealistic expectation that is a recipe for resentment, disaster and exhaustion. Extreme neediness is what I hear coming through in your posts, and is draining for anyone to be around.
In a healthy relationship/marriage, the person wants and encourages their spouse to have healthy friendships outside the marriage, including a best friend. By denying your husband and judging him bad for having a best friend, it sounds possessive, insecure, jealous, and also circumscribing his healthy existence.
It is a red flag to me if someone wants me to be their "everything " (best friend and lover rolled into one). It is a red flag if someone does NOT have outside close friendships of their own.
A best friend can be a very healthy sounding board, it is who a person can go to when they are having problems in their relationship for input.
Honestly, I feel bad for your husband. He must be really conflicted.
And I don't see how forcing your husband not to spend time with someone is a victory.
If I read between the lines, it seems that he met her, felt comfortable talking to her. They obviously talked enough where he confided in her about his sexuality. She obviously saw a side of him that was unhappy, and tried to encourage him to be true to himself.
No one will be able to convince you that homosexuality is not a sin, which I think is sad, because religion should be about compassion and understanding, and treating others as you wish to be treated -- would you want someone to force you to conform to a certain "lifestyle"? Would you feel good everyday having people tell you that your gut feelings and personality are sinful.
We are talking about lust for the same sex - not rape, murder, stealing, assault, or any other heinous crime.
He was not running away from gay or bi. He is a Christian as am I and not wanting to do something that the Lord loathes is not "running away." It was wanting to do the right thing. Yes, he does sometimes still have fantasies about males, but we have both prayed and prayed that he would overcome these desires someday. All things are possible through God.
God loves each and every one of us, and God does not have a problem with homosexuality. If your husband is having fantasies about males, then that is really important for you both to pay attention to.
Please don't take it personally. His desiring males is not a rejection of you, it is his authentic self seeking to live in peace, happiness, honesty, and love.
Asking someone to be something they are not, trying to force them through shame and judgment to be something they are not, is asking them to give up their happiness in this life.
When we love someone we want them to be happy, even if if means losing them from our life. We want them to live a life of happiness, not fulfill our own personal agenda. Your job is to find happiness in your own self, in your own life, in your own heart, not expect another person to make you happy through a marriage.
Also you yourself deserve a man who can be there for you fully out of choice, for who you are. Best wishes in your life, and on your path. It is a very high act of love to allow someone (kid or friend or spouse) their life and set them free.
As a gay man who was married for several years and in the whole Christian thing, etc.
This is not a road you want to go down. I don't know him, I don't know you, but I would advise you to use extreme caution. For the emotianal health and well being of both of you.
You should also be weary. Men like that are usually bound to slip up, and when they do it is typically not safe. Keep yourself protected. I really do wish you luck and hope it all works out for the best.
If you don't mind my asking, why did you divorce? Are you no longer a Christian in order to pursue the homosexual lifestyle? Not judging you--just asking an honest question. And you're right--you DON'T know me or my husband. He is fully committed to me and to his salvation. He HATED being gay, was never treated like a member of any community because (his exact words) there IS NO gay communty. His personal experience with gay men was everyone out for his own pleasure and none of them were interested in a loving, lasting relationship. It was just use each other for sex and then dump him. What we have together is so special. Even though our sex life has it's problems (like everybody else's), he still tells me how happy he is with me and how I've changed his life and how he was so unhappy and felt like nothing before he met me.
Why not? I would tell a gay MARRIED friend in a heartbeat that he should accept his homosexuality. There's nothing at all wrong with being homosexual. Do you think that all gays and lesbians are going to burn in hell when they die?
And I think that it's very childish to be so gleeful about having "won" with your husband no longer being best friends with his BFF. While I do think that you should be his dearest and closest friend, I think that she should have been only demoted to being a close friend and not a BFF. You should not be playing this tug-o-war game with your husband's affections. One day it could backfire and he will leave you because you are too possessive and territorial of him.
And women do have a common and very bad habit of trying to fix the men they love. There is no fixing of anyone, you just have to love and accept them for who they really are, not your idealized version of them. I think that you liked the challenge of trying to straighten out your husband too much. So far, I think that you've prayed his gayness back into the closet temporarily, especially since you're both christians and you're convinced that being gay is so evil. And that's not a true conversion as you're using a fear of eternal damnation to change his actions. Otherwise, he's not choosing a heterosexual life because he enjoys it better.
I can't wait for your posted updates in the future. Next will come the pregnancy announcements as further proof of his being straight. But many years down the line... who knows what his feelings will be in ten or twenty years time? I know a number of gays that came out of the closet late in life after marriages to women and having kids. And finally they were happy with themselves now that they have accepted who they really are.
I don't think that your husband's ex BFF was wrong at all in her opinions.
I can't say whether all gays and lesbians will burn in hell. That is not up to me to decide.
And you DO NOT KNOW ME! I am not childish or possessive. Obviously you have not had to struggle with the self image issues that I've had to deal with. Society is HORRIBLE to fat people and how do you think I felt when that skinny B##$h wanted so much attention from my husband???
You are obviously not a Christian--if you were, you would believe that God can cure all things, homosexuality included, if we trust and have faith in Him. He will NEVER go back to the homosexual lifestyle because he was miserable then, even suicidal and that is no exaggeration. His former best friend never even tried to encourage him to date anything but men even though she knew he wanted marriage. What kind of friend could not have seen how miserable and lonely he was?
Pregnancy announcements??? I don't think so--women in their fifties do not too often get pregnant, lol. But thanks for your concern. But in 30 years, when we are living happily in the nursing home, I'll be sure to ask you what you think THEN.
No, that is not healthy relationship. A best friend is very different from a spouse, and to expect your spouse to be "everything" to you, or you to be "everything" to your spouse is an unrealistic expectation that is a recipe for resentment, disaster and exhaustion. Extreme neediness is what I hear coming through in your posts, and is draining for anyone to be around.
In a healthy relationship/marriage, the person wants and encourages their spouse to have healthy friendships outside the marriage, including a best friend. By denying your husband and judging him bad for having a best friend, it sounds possessive, insecure, jealous, and also circumscribing his healthy existence.
It is a red flag to me if someone wants me to be their "everything " (best friend and lover rolled into one). It is a red flag if someone does NOT have outside close friendships of their own.
A best friend can be a very healthy sounding board, it is who a person can go to when they are having problems in their relationship for input.
Well, in church, we are taught that it is wrong for married members of the opposite sex to be too close. I don't understand why anyone would want to come second to their spouse's best friend, especially one of the opposite sex. That is ASKING FOR PROBLEMS!!! I don't understand why you think it is wrong for someone to want to be their spouse's everything. That is the IDEAL relationship to be both best friends and lovers. I feel sorry for your spouse because you advocate putting your friends ahead of her/him.
A best friend should NOT be a sounding board to the married man about his and his wife's relationship--that shows absolutely no respect for the privacy of the wife. He should talk to ME about our relationship if there is a problem--NOT HER!!
Honestly, I feel bad for your husband. He must be really conflicted.
And I don't see how forcing your husband not to spend time with someone is a victory.
If I read between the lines, it seems that he met her, felt comfortable talking to her. They obviously talked enough where he confided in her about his sexuality. She obviously saw a side of him that was unhappy, and tried to encourage him to be true to himself.
No one will be able to convince you that homosexuality is not a sin, which I think is sad, because religion should be about compassion and understanding, and treating others as you wish to be treated -- would you want someone to force you to conform to a certain "lifestyle"? Would you feel good everyday having people tell you that your gut feelings and personality are sinful.
We are talking about lust for the same sex - not rape, murder, stealing, assault, or any other heinous crime.
My husband is only "conflicted" because people like that B##$h that he told to take a hike the other day keep trying to convince him that he will only be happy if he goes back to the homo lifestyle. That is ridiculous. He tells me every day how much better his life has been since he met me. Before he met me, he lived in a rathole apartment, wore clothes that were in rags, and drove a beater of a car. Yes, he loves having a better lifestyle,who wouldn't, but he also LOVES me. But we have so many hobbies in common, we have love and respect in our relationship---there is something more to life rather than lustful pleasure.
I am sorry we disagree about whether it is wrong to live the homosexual lifestyle, but according to the Bible, it is. I didn't make the rules.
You are obviously not a Christian--if you were, you would believe that God can cure all things, homosexuality included, if we trust and have faith in Him.
Ummm, homosexuality is not a disease that needs to be cured. Nor is it evil or wrong. I find it sad that your husband feels he must repent and get married to someone of the opposite sex, when he is clearly a gay man. Man, "they" really did a number on his head .
God loves each and every one of us, and God does not have a problem with homosexuality. If your husband is having fantasies about males, then that is really important for you both to pay attention to.
Please don't take it personally. His desiring males is not a rejection of you, it is his authentic self seeking to live in peace, happiness, honesty, and love.
Asking someone to be something they are not, trying to force them through shame and judgment to be something they are not, is asking them to give up their happiness in this life.
When we love someone we want them to be happy, even if if means losing them from our life. We want them to live a life of happiness, not fulfill our own personal agenda. Your job is to find happiness in your own self, in your own life, in your own heart, not expect another person to make you happy through a marriage.
Also you yourself deserve a man who can be there for you fully out of choice, for who you are. Best wishes in your life, and on your path. It is a very high act of love to allow someone (kid or friend or spouse) their life and set them free.
I'm sure my husband's former best friend told him the same thing. That is why she is his FORMER best friend, lol. Life is GREAT!!!
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But many years down the line... who knows what his feelings will be in ten or twenty years time? I know a number of gays that came out of the closet late in life after marriages to women and having kids. And finally they were happy with themselves now that they have accepted who they really are.
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