Staying together for the kids (men, cheat, statistics, spouse)
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Remarriage teaches kids that mom and dad's love life is more important than they are. Divorce and remarriage teaches them to quit and look for greener pastures if things get bumpy. It teaches them to not live up to their promises. It teaches them to take the easy way out.
It teaches them that they don't matter enough for their parents to work things out. My kids will learn from me that marriage is serious business. That you don't walk out on your promises. That you put your kids ahead of your love life while you're raising them (there's plenty of time for my love life after they're grown if I choose that path). My love life may not be thrilling but my love life isn't worth sacrificing my kids for.
looking for greener pastures teaches them you quit when the going gets tough and love isn't meant to last.
To think in terms of "not sharing" a parent, or "not sharing" kids is self-centered and ego-centric. (I am speaking NOT of the opening post person, but of the view.) Kids not wanting to "share" their parents with a sibling, is selfish and if we coddled that, then we would never have more than one kid ourselves! A kid not wanting to share mom or dad with a lover (whether it is a spouse, or a step parent, or a boyfriend) is not a healthy view of relationship and we do both parent AND kid (or teen) a disservice if we make them the total focus of our lives and attention.
When I include a lover in my life, or a job, or a hobby, it is teaching and showing by example that a healthy person capable of healthy relationships has many things in their life. Those nourish me so that I am capable of being in loving relationship with my family. A person who gives, gives, gives and does not nurture herself, ends up bitter, resentful, empty, and very soon "out of gas" so they have nothing left to give anyone including their kids.
On the other hand if I "sacrifice" my own happiness for my kids saying they are the sole source of my happiness i am teaching them not to be happy themselves, that their own happiness and fulfillment are really counterfeit and worthless and not important.
I do notice, again this is a gentle observation, that you did ask this question in an opening post. This "external dialogue" in the forum may well reflect a similar "inner dialogue" you are having with yourself.
Best wishes to you. Life is meant to be lived full with joy and happiness. One never has to give up their own happiness or settle for a narrow pinched existence of any sort. Truly there are win-win situations in relationship, in parenting, and in family.
Bottom line what i want to teach my kids is they deserve a happy balanced life, and I will do my darndest to model that for them, and give them the tools to do that. Would I wish my kid to stay in a loveless marriage for 20 years? Hell no! Happy, joyous, free, and a life filled with bliss. Anything less is settling, and I want my kids to live a joy-filled life.
Drudgery, self-sacrifice, martyrdom, forfeiting love as an adult, don't get anyone happiness, don't get anyone a place in heaven, don't get anyone points for being a good parent. Let your feelings be present, let your feelings have a vote. You as an individual human being are worthy of love in your life and loving relationships. Again, a gentle invitation to not just listen to what your "beliefs" are about marriage, family, love; but also to identify and listen to what your "feelings" are. You deserve happiness.
Any time I hear a parent say they are signing away their own happiness or love for the sake of their children it makes me really sad.
Marriage is not meant to be a "serious business" but a fun business! Same with life. Same with love. Same with family. You say "love is meant to last" but in the same post you say you are not worthy of love yourself.
If I could as a loving parent reach out to YOU (or any of my own grown children if they approach me some day in a similar situation) I would give you a big hug and say, "Honey you deserve to be loved and happy, you are worth it. Please don't give up on your own happiness to try to please someone else, because everyone loses in that scenario, you and them both. I love you and I want you to have a happy life."
To think in terms of "not sharing" a parent, or "not sharing" kids is self-centered and ego-centric. (I am speaking NOT of the opening post person, but of the view.) Kids not wanting to "share" their parents with a sibling, is selfish and if we coddled that, then we would never have more than one kid ourselves! A kid not wanting to share mom or dad with a lover (whether it is a spouse, or a step parent, or a boyfriend) is not a healthy view of relationship and we do both parent AND kid (or teen) a disservice if we make them the total focus of our lives and attention.
When I include a lover in my life, or a job, or a hobby, it is teaching and showing by example that a healthy person capable of healthy relationships has many things in their life. Those nourish me so that I am capable of being in loving relationship with my family. A person who gives, gives, gives and does not nurture herself, ends up bitter, resentful, empty, and very soon "out of gas" so they have nothing left to give anyone including their kids.
On the other hand if I "sacrifice" my own happiness for my kids saying they are the sole source of my happiness i am teaching them not to be happy themselves, that their own happiness and fulfillment are really counterfeit and worthless and not important.
I do notice, again this is a gentle observation, that you did ask this question in an opening post. This "external dialogue" in the forum may well reflect a similar "inner dialogue" you are having with yourself.
Best wishes to you. Life is meant to be lived full with joy and happiness. One never has to give up their own happiness or settle for a narrow pinched existence of any sort. Truly there are win-win situations in relationship, in parenting, and in family.
Bottom line what i want to teach my kids is they deserve a happy balanced life, and I will do my darndest to model that for them, and give them the tools to do that. Would I wish my kid to stay in a loveless marriage for 20 years? Hell no! Happy, joyous, free, and a life filled with bliss. Anything less is settling, and I want my kids to live a joy-filled life.
Drudgery, self-sacrifice, martyrdom, forfeiting love as an adult, don't get anyone happiness, don't get anyone a place in heaven, don't get anyone points for being a good parent. Let your feelings be present, let your feelings have a vote. You as an individual human being are worthy of love in your life and loving relationships. Again, a gentle invitation to not just listen to what your "beliefs" are about marriage, family, love; but also to identify and listen to what your "feelings" are. You deserve happiness.
Any time I hear a parent say they are signing away their own happiness or love for the sake of their children it makes me really sad.
Marriage is not meant to be a "serious business" but a fun business! Same with life. Same with love. Same with family. You say "love is meant to last" but in the same post you say you are not worthy of love yourself.
If I could as a loving parent reach out to YOU (or any of my own grown children if they approach me some day in a similar situation) I would give you a big hug and say, "Honey you deserve to be loved and happy, you are worth it. Please don't give up on your own happiness to try to please someone else, because everyone loses in that scenario, you and them both. I love you and I want you to have a happy life."
That is so true and we must remember we only have one go at life there are no re-runs
There are many ways to have and build a happy family, including additional households. The more love and nurturing a child in his life, from every direction, including teachers, friends, extended family, including step-parents, step-siblings, can only benefit the children.
I was in tears when my kids went off to school and the teacher told me not to see it as me "losing them" or having to "share them" with the rest of the world, but instead that their world is filling up with more people who love them, who appreciate them, who are there for them in so many ways, they can only benefit from more support in their life.
Which required me to get over my own ego-centric view of myself as mom being the be-all and end-all of their life. That only lasts a couple years as an infant and toddler. What she identified was me wanting them "all to myself." That is not good for them, nor is it good for me.
The more we try to "hang on to " our kids, the greater a disservice we do them.
Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 08-06-2008 at 09:05 AM..
I see your point too and yes at first the "sting" of parents divorcing is hard to take but long term I just feel there are better results. You are now talking about moving onto phase II when the parents remarry, yes here again, another sting but think about what it teaches kids.... it teaches them that if you do all you can to work things out and you can't, then you be the adult about it and move on. It also teaches them that you can love again especially if they witnesses a parents especially hard time breaking up with their spouse.
I'm a product of divorce, I also divorced my kids dad. Yes, many many days, months and years of hard times but you know what my kids tell me now? They are glad I did it and they knew that the two of us together was a bad mix.
They are glad AND have thanked me for getting them out of that situation and that it taught them to appreciate a lot of things more now than if they had stayed in a bad relationship (me being married).
On the flip side, yes indeed, there are divorces that really rip apart families and I think in those cases, counseling is needed, more communication and really in those cases, from what I've seen with friends in that situation, the parents really went about in a very wrong and disturbing way. If you handle your business right, divorce does not have to be traumatic for kids. They do grow and it does become resoved in their minds and the wounds that may or are there will heal.
I agree with you there andrea. My soon to be ex and I decided that we want to be friendly to each other around the kids so they don't become so distressed they would need counseling.
We have decided not to use the kids as pawns to get what we want.
Our kids emotional well being comes first.
I find it disturbing when I hear that one parent refuses to allow the other parent to see the kids just because the other parent did not pay their child support.
I would never do that to my kids. They will always get to spend time with their dad whether he pays or not. It doesn't matter how I feel about their dad, I want them to have a relationship with him.
To think in terms of "not sharing" a parent, or "not sharing" kids is self-centered and ego-centric. (I am speaking NOT of the opening post person, but of the view.) Kids not wanting to "share" their parents with a sibling, is selfish and if we coddled that, then we would never have more than one kid ourselves! A kid not wanting to share mom or dad with a lover (whether it is a spouse, or a step parent, or a boyfriend) is not a healthy view of relationship and we do both parent AND kid (or teen) a disservice if we make them the total focus of our lives and attention.
When I include a lover in my life, or a job, or a hobby, it is teaching and showing by example that a healthy person capable of healthy relationships has many things in their life. Those nourish me so that I am capable of being in loving relationship with my family. A person who gives, gives, gives and does not nurture herself, ends up bitter, resentful, empty, and very soon "out of gas" so they have nothing left to give anyone including their kids.
On the other hand if I "sacrifice" my own happiness for my kids saying they are the sole source of my happiness i am teaching them not to be happy themselves, that their own happiness and fulfillment are really counterfeit and worthless and not important.
I do notice, again this is a gentle observation, that you did ask this question in an opening post. This "external dialogue" in the forum may well reflect a similar "inner dialogue" you are having with yourself.
Best wishes to you. Life is meant to be lived full with joy and happiness. One never has to give up their own happiness or settle for a narrow pinched existence of any sort. Truly there are win-win situations in relationship, in parenting, and in family.
Bottom line what i want to teach my kids is they deserve a happy balanced life, and I will do my darndest to model that for them, and give them the tools to do that. Would I wish my kid to stay in a loveless marriage for 20 years? Hell no! Happy, joyous, free, and a life filled with bliss. Anything less is settling, and I want my kids to live a joy-filled life.
Drudgery, self-sacrifice, martyrdom, forfeiting love as an adult, don't get anyone happiness, don't get anyone a place in heaven, don't get anyone points for being a good parent. Let your feelings be present, let your feelings have a vote. You as an individual human being are worthy of love in your life and loving relationships. Again, a gentle invitation to not just listen to what your "beliefs" are about marriage, family, love; but also to identify and listen to what your "feelings" are. You deserve happiness.
Any time I hear a parent say they are signing away their own happiness or love for the sake of their children it makes me really sad.
Marriage is not meant to be a "serious business" but a fun business! Same with life. Same with love. Same with family. You say "love is meant to last" but in the same post you say you are not worthy of love yourself.
If I could as a loving parent reach out to YOU (or any of my own grown children if they approach me some day in a similar situation) I would give you a big hug and say, "Honey you deserve to be loved and happy, you are worth it. Please don't give up on your own happiness to try to please someone else, because everyone loses in that scenario, you and them both. I love you and I want you to have a happy life."
I think one of the most impacting life 'lessons' you are responsible for teaching children is about healthy relationships--- how do couples act/ relate. A lousy marriage probably doesn't show respect, and laughing and putting the other first, or genuine friendship and interest, and just as important, physical intimacy like kissing and hugging and hand holding, etc. I think it is important to show that it is ok, if after trying hard to stay together as a couple (marriage counseling ) or if one is really treating the other in a way you wouldn't someday want your child treated by their spouse, to leave and either be alone or find someone better suited to you. People change, priorities like what you wanted in a mate at 20 compared to late 30's changes,but your children see you everyday and are learning what a "normal" couple looks like. I take it very seriously....
Staying together for the kids is probably the worst excuse and reflects everyday how you feel about your worth...this is what you deserve ( not to be happy or treated well, etc.). I say show them marriage is hard, and trying at times, but ultimately is about 2 people that cherish eachother.
I think one of the most impacting life 'lessons' you are responsible for teaching children is about healthy relationships--- how do couples act/ relate. A lousy marriage probably doesn't show respect, and laughing and putting the other first, or genuine friendship and interest, and just as important, physical intimacy like kissing and hugging and hand holding, etc. I think it is important to show that it is ok, if after trying hard to stay together as a couple (marriage counseling ) or if one is really treating the other in a way you wouldn't someday want your child treated by their spouse, to leave and either be alone or find someone better suited to you. People change, priorities like what you wanted in a mate at 20 compared to late 30's changes,but your children see you everyday and are learning what a "normal" couple looks like. I take it very seriously....
Staying together for the kids is probably the worst excuse and reflects everyday how you feel about your worth...this is what you deserve ( not to be happy or treated well, etc.). I say show them marriage is hard, and trying at times, but ultimately is about 2 people that cherish eachother.
I think most people agree if they're being mistreated that they should get out, however, most divorces don't involve any kind of abuse. Just people who think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
Yes people change. That's why you have to work at relationships. If you want easy relationships, they'll last about a year or two each.
To think in terms of "not sharing" a parent, or "not sharing" kids is self-centered and ego-centric. (I am speaking NOT of the opening post person, but of the view.) Kids not wanting to "share" their parents with a sibling, is selfish and if we coddled that, then we would never have more than one kid ourselves! A kid not wanting to share mom or dad with a lover (whether it is a spouse, or a step parent, or a boyfriend) is not a healthy view of relationship and we do both parent AND kid (or teen) a disservice if we make them the total focus of our lives and attention.
When I include a lover in my life, or a job, or a hobby, it is teaching and showing by example that a healthy person capable of healthy relationships has many things in their life. Those nourish me so that I am capable of being in loving relationship with my family. A person who gives, gives, gives and does not nurture herself, ends up bitter, resentful, empty, and very soon "out of gas" so they have nothing left to give anyone including their kids.
On the other hand if I "sacrifice" my own happiness for my kids saying they are the sole source of my happiness i am teaching them not to be happy themselves, that their own happiness and fulfillment are really counterfeit and worthless and not important.
I do notice, again this is a gentle observation, that you did ask this question in an opening post. This "external dialogue" in the forum may well reflect a similar "inner dialogue" you are having with yourself.
Best wishes to you. Life is meant to be lived full with joy and happiness. One never has to give up their own happiness or settle for a narrow pinched existence of any sort. Truly there are win-win situations in relationship, in parenting, and in family.
Bottom line what i want to teach my kids is they deserve a happy balanced life, and I will do my darndest to model that for them, and give them the tools to do that. Would I wish my kid to stay in a loveless marriage for 20 years? Hell no! Happy, joyous, free, and a life filled with bliss. Anything less is settling, and I want my kids to live a joy-filled life.
Drudgery, self-sacrifice, martyrdom, forfeiting love as an adult, don't get anyone happiness, don't get anyone a place in heaven, don't get anyone points for being a good parent. Let your feelings be present, let your feelings have a vote. You as an individual human being are worthy of love in your life and loving relationships. Again, a gentle invitation to not just listen to what your "beliefs" are about marriage, family, love; but also to identify and listen to what your "feelings" are. You deserve happiness.
Any time I hear a parent say they are signing away their own happiness or love for the sake of their children it makes me really sad.
Marriage is not meant to be a "serious business" but a fun business! Same with life. Same with love. Same with family. You say "love is meant to last" but in the same post you say you are not worthy of love yourself.
If I could as a loving parent reach out to YOU (or any of my own grown children if they approach me some day in a similar situation) I would give you a big hug and say, "Honey you deserve to be loved and happy, you are worth it. Please don't give up on your own happiness to try to please someone else, because everyone loses in that scenario, you and them both. I love you and I want you to have a happy life."
It is NOT normal for kids to have to share parents. That's not the ideal. It is NOT ego centric to say that having something that wasn't intended is undesirable. It is a FACT that children in two parent households fare better than children of divorce. That's because children need both parents as much as possible not one half the time, shared with a new spouse and half siblings and the other the other half of the time also shared with a new spouse and half siblings. We're talking children here. Wanting their parents is not ego centric. It's the way things should be.
I can't believe anyone would cal it ego centric for a child to not want to have to share their parents. Start adding up what's left for the kids after you split time between two parents and then share that time with new spouses and new half siblings. The answer is: NOT MUCH. It is far from egocentric to be a child and not want to be in that situation.
It is NOT normal for kids to have to share parents. That's not the ideal. It is NOT ego centric to say that having something that wasn't intended is undesirable. It is a FACT that children in two parent households fare better than children of divorce. That's because children need both parents as much as possible not one half the time, shared with a new spouse and half siblings and the other the other half of the time also shared with a new spouse and half siblings. We're talking children here. Wanting their parents is not ego centric. It's the way things should be.
I can't believe anyone would cal it ego centric for a child to not want to have to share their parents. Start adding up what's left for the kids after you split time between two parents and then share that time with new spouses and new half siblings. The answer is: NOT MUCH. It is far from egocentric to be a child and not want to be in that situation.
Just like you said not every couple who stays together for the kids will constantly fight...not every divorced situation will be horrible like you describe.
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