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Interesting that the person in the post blames "nature taking its course," an obese mate, and "the cute admin assistant" for an eroding relationship rather than taking responsibility for their own participation and contribution in maintaining a healthy relationship.
Self-respect and self-acceptance, and a mature healthy relationship are not swayed or influenced one way or the other by a naturally changing body.
Aging and childbearing and family life are all natural processes. Trying to live as if you're 25 when you're 45, and expecting it of a partner, is not natural nor is it conducive to healthy relationship with either self or partner. To me it is a sign of immaturity and fear and superficial values
Hahaha. Okay, you strike me as the kind of person who takes umbrage at anything and everything. I'm guessing that, without your knowing it, there are plenty of people in your life who tiptoe around you, watching every syllable that comes out of their mouths for fear that DimSum is going to say, "What do you mean by THAT?"
So, because I'm guessing that a happy married life is nothing more than an abstraction to you, let me take those points on, one by one, based on my own very happy marriage and the observed happy and unhappy marriages of others.
1) First of all, physical attraction is an important dynamic in married life, just as it is in dating life. What's more, anybody who says that physical attraction is not important to continued sexual interest in a partner is an absolute liar, or has zero clue about married life in the first place. That's because the human sex drive doesn't go away the day a couple says, "I do." And, fifteen years down the road, if a couple doesn't have the hots for one another any more, that means trouble. Then you're not lovers, but just roommates.
2) Second, no one reasonably expects their spouse to have the body of a 23-year-old when in their 40s. At the same time, there is a reasonable expectation that one should respect their spouse by trying to keeping themselves in decent shape, not gorging on Cool Ranch Doritos every night while watching another Law & Order episode. Again, if you allow yourself to bloat up to 300 pounds, that means you don't respect yourself as a person.
3) You're right in one major respect. The other spouse has an equal responsibility to keep to the straight and narrow. But even the most well-intentioned people are also quite fallible. And if a woman goes to the office every day, and enjoys playful banter with the hunky area sales manager, and then goes home to a lardass who farts a lot, doesn't shave his back, and can't seem to turn off the TV, she'll start thinking to herself, "Gosh, why can't Larry take care of himself the way Ken does? Ken's so much fun to be around. His wife is really lucky. Meanwhile, my husband is a slob in comparison." Next thing you know, she has too much to drink at the convention, and she's riding Ken's baloney pony. And she finds that the enjoyment was worth all the guilt. If she feels any guilt at all. After all, rationalization is a powerful tool.
So maybe you should abandon theory, and realize that attractiveness is an important part of the married life. No, it is not everything. No, there is never a good reason to cheat. But every couple starts out being physically attracted to one another. All I'm suggesting is that it is important to remain that way. Why is this such a hard concept for you to grasp?
It boggles my mind that someone can actually believe that for someone not to obsess on physical attractiveness, means they must themselves be physically unattractive.
The reality is rather this: People who don't obsess on physical attractiveness are more interested in deeper richer values that include the whole person, that are less superficial than just the hunk of flesh and bones and teeth.
Perhaps that concept is hard for the mindset posting above to grasp because that mind is so narrow and tiny it can judge only based on physical appearance and give no value, credence, credit, merit, or acknwledgment to anything living beyond that realm.
Yes, attractiveness is important to me, as measured by someone's attitude, their good heart, kindness, respect, consideration, and acceptance of others as humans, not mannequins. Unattractive would be, well, attitudes like the one in the post above that reek sarcasm, hostility, derision, superiority, and judgment. Those are supremely repulsive.
A total and absolute non-sequiter on your part. There is an enormous gulf between obsessing about appearance and simply taking decent care of yourself in order to remain attractive to your spouse. This doesn't require plastic surgery. This doesn't require hours at the nail salon, the hair salon, or the hair transplant specialist. This doesn't require wearing clothes unsuited for one's age.
What's more, one can take care of oneself physically without neglecting their intellectual, emotional and spiritual sides. It is infantile for you to suggest otherwise.
. And if a woman goes to the office every day, and enjoys playful banter with the hunky area sales manager, and then goes home to a lardass who farts a lot, doesn't shave his back, and can't seem to turn off the TV, she'll start thinking to herself, "Gosh, why can't Larry take care of himself the way Ken does? Ken's so much fun to be around. His wife is really lucky. Meanwhile, my husband is a slob in comparison." Next thing you know, she has too much to drink at the conventional, and she's riding Ken's baloney pony. And she finds that the enjoyment was worth all the guilt. If she feels any guilt at all. After all, rationalization is a powerful tool.
Eh - I don't know about this. Most women don't seem to be quite as shallow as men in this respect. Maybe I'm delusional, but I really can't imagine riding ANYONE elses baloney pony whilst married.
Honestly I'm not that surprised at DimSum's response to some of this stuff. It does sound kind of BS. When you marry, you marry for more than physical stuff. At least I hope so. I find the stuff on the inside to be more important than the stuff on the outside in my mate.
I like that he looks good, but it is much more important that he's a good guy. Sometimes physical stuff can go wrong and it's beyond the person's control. Beauty fades, the rest stays. The beauty stuff is by far the less important to me at least.
Sounds like the OP has spent the last 14 years taking care of kids and family. She sounds like a happy and confident woman and she specifically stated she feels it time to start taking better care of herself. I don't think she is being superficial, she just wants to get herself back to feeling better and healthier, nothing wrong with that.
Anyone want to help her or support her or should we just bicker back and forth about inner and outer feelings?
Eh - I don't know about this. Most women don't seem to be quite as shallow as men in this respect. Maybe I'm delusional, but I really can't imagine riding ANYONE elses baloney pony whilst married.
Honestly I'm not that surprised at DimSum's response to some of this stuff. It does sound kind of BS. When you marry, you marry for more than physical stuff. At least I hope so. I find the stuff on the inside to be more important than the stuff on the outside in my mate.
I like that he looks good, but it is much more important that he's a good guy. Sometimes physical stuff can go wrong and it's beyond the person's control. Beauty fades, the rest stays. The beauty stuff is by far the less important to me at least.
Heck, it happened with three different women in one place I worked. It was like freaking Peyton Place. And, no, I didn't participate.
And, yes, you're right. You don't marry for looks. And physical attractiveness is not the sine qua non of marriage over the long haul. Trust and loyalty are. But you were still physically attracted to the person you married. Call it chemistry. Call it anything you want. But if you hadn't been, you would have just been buddies with some shared interest.
Sounds like the OP has spent the last 14 years taking care of kids and family. She sounds like a happy and confident woman and she specifically stated she feels it time to start taking better care of herself. I don't think she is being superficial, she just wants to get herself back to feeling better and healthier, nothing wrong with that.
Anyone want to help her or support her or should we just bicker back and forth about inner and outer feelings?
LOL...I think she should if it makes her feel good. Why does she need our support?
I am 35. Before kids I was 118 pounds and a size 3 (sometimes less)
After the first one I was able to keep myself between a size 4 or 6.
After kid #2 I'm a size 8.
I think I'd still be thin and fit if my kids or mostly my husband wasn't around. I do go to the gym 3 times a week and try and bike when I can. But I miss being a hotty
I think I'll be able to get back down to a size 6, it will just some time. But when I look at my boobs and tummy they are all saggy and shaped different and no amount of exercise will change that - and that's what saddens me.
My husband has gained about 40 pounds (since his hey days) and I like him the way he is. But he also doesn't try dieting or exercizing. Mowing the lawn does not count.
So it's a bit hard to get as much exercise in since he's not active.
PLUS I wouldn't eat HALF the crap we do if I didn't have kids and a husband!! That's where the problem lies. I NEVER EVER ate fast food or pizza or crap like that.
Give me a couple month away from these people I bet I'd lose 15 pounds immediately
My husband & I will be married 14 years in November. We have two children (9year old son and 3 year old daughter). When we married, we both looked GOOD! Neither of us had to worry about anything else (other than working and having fun). I remember being able to buy as much clothes, shoes, handbags, makeup, etc as I wanted to. He used to work out at the gym 6 days a week. Fast forward 14 years later..He has gained 50lbs and I have gained probably around 60lbs. I know, we both got busy, fat, lazy and content. BUT, I am about to change that. I would like to go back to looking (and feeling) good about myself. My kids are very well taken care of, why not me? Anyone else??
I've been married 29 years. There comes a point where you can't hold it together any more and the parts just start slipping south Duct tape couldn't hold me together these days.
I've been married 29 years. There comes a point where you can't hold it together any more and the parts just start slipping south Duct tape couldn't hold me together these days.
Post of the day. Bravo.
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Neither of us had to worry about anything else (other than working and having fun). I remember being able to buy as much clothes, shoes, handbags, makeup, etc as I wanted to. He used to work out at the gym 6 days a week. Fast forward 14 years later..He has gained 50lbs and I have gained probably around 60lbs. I know, we both got busy, fat, lazy and content. BUT, I am about to change that. I would like to go back to looking (and feeling) good about myself. My kids are very well taken care of, why not me? Anyone else??
Duct tape couldn't hold me together these days.
