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Your advice is greatly appreciated. I will try to be very brief about my situation. I came to the US many years ago as an international student. Graduated with honors and started dating "a perfect gentleman",(who worked on campus in law enforcement). We just complemented each other so nicely. Always opened doors, called throughout the day to see how my day was going, brought me flowers perhaps 3 times a month etc. etc. He was always so thankful for my gestures... always said that the only two people who gave him a home was his deceased mother and myself. After about a year and a half, he asked me to be his wife.
Fast forward to a few months after we tied the knot: He went to complete Basic Training with the Army. The guy who showered me with love became so Verbally abusive and very recently injured my figure by pelting a phone at me. I was about calling the cops but did not. Since I am not a US citizen, he had to file to change my immigration status. Every time he filled the forms, he would tear them up. This has been ongoing for a couple of years now.
When I met him, his son was about 7, and he had broken up with his gf, several years before. He has always been active in his son's life; picking him up after school, taking him home,(son's mother finishes work at odd hours since she is real estate agent) doing homework etc. etc.
Turns out, to this day, almost after 3 years of marriage, he has never told his son's mother that he is married, he has been sleeping with her for over 9 plus years. There were times I suspected stuff was going on but he would convince me otherwise. I use to pray and ask God if things are not right expose him. One day out of the blue, the chaplain calls and said he would like to meet the two of us. My husband confessed. It has been 6 months since the chaplain told him, he cannot continue this way. He needs to confront issues.
One occassion, I met chaplain privately and he chided me as to why I had not called son's mother to inform her. I told him I always felt it was my Husband's duty. I feel so guilty, my conscience is eating me away, it feels that I am almost enabling him by not telling her. Many times he has threatened to destroy me. Right now I am trying to get my immigration status changed. I cannot stay in an abusive relationship. This guy knows that I have a good heart and has taken advantage. You may be wondering how he has been able to cover up so much? He is a sociopath, a narcisiss.
This forum seems to have a lot of educated and rational people. Please feel free to share. Thanks
i think you know that you need to get out of the relationship. But you may be scared to do so since he is abusive. if you have any friends or relatives, you could stay with them, get their help. or if not, you could go to a women center, or any NGO. you are not obliged to tell his ex-wife. for me, there is no point in staying married to him, even if he tells you that the promises to change.
The guy is a puke. Pack your things and even if it means having to return home, clean out the bank account and get out today. And call his ex and tell her the entire story...including the abuse. He may be treating her the same way.
Your hubbie controls you like this one here does to me but I am not married to him. I am stuck in other ways. Men know when a woman is vulnerable and that is when they turn the control thing on. You need to figure out a Plan B like me and get out. Sounds like it is just you and no children or pets so you should have no problem leaving!
I don't know where you are, but there are women's shelters you can go to. I'm sure you could find them online and give them a call to get the address. You should not feel guilty. It's not your fault he is behaving the way he does. I'm a little confused as to your status in the States and you need to get that cleared up as soon as possible. Are you working with an attorney who is knowledgeable about immigration? Best of luck to you! Get out now rather than later.
This post reminds me of the various ads on dating sites that say, "I love me a military man!!"
....
You love him until things get serious. Then you learn.
And I'm not just talking off the cuff...my father was the worst of the worst, and he used to be a deacon in a church.
Military life is in of itself abusive to the recruits. During BT, you're essentially treated like dogs. When you go enlisted, it doesn't end. It changes lives. Not every person will be influenced to that extreme, but it does change a person.
Go to a Womens abuse center they can advise you as to what you need to do to get your ducks in a row for whatever you choose to do.
They also have counseling and other resources available.
I am always so sorry when women get in these situations. They do know how to pick their victims and most will do the control over time.
If you are leaving clean out the bank account do not expect to get a fair divorce men like this get attorneys that are ruthless and you could end up with nothing. Also not being married under 5 yrs is not a plus for you either.
whoa wait a second, darlin. i have been a military wife x2, so i KNOW the system. if your husband is abusive, you need to notify his command, call the military domestic hotline, and of course if you have any injuries go to the post ER and CID/MPI will make sure things are documented. abusive husbands are taken out of family quarters and placed in barracks for a certain amount of time, required to go to anger management, and get in trouble with the command. the military does alot to protect families from any abuse. have you not gone through the proper channels? if you dont know who exactly to call, contact your FRG leader or your unit/squadron/battalion chaplain for guidance.
let me also give you an invaluable source for questions on handling ANY problems you have, whether it be financial/marriage/family/career/personal/whatever! www.armyonesource.com. they have advice and resources for everything you need. you get free counseling, confidential, whatever! you can even call their tollfree number and ask anonymously anything
Last edited by NOTAM; 07-20-2008 at 02:18 PM..
Reason: add valuable information
all of yall saying foir her to go to a shelter, she doesnt have to! the command will REMOVE HIM from family quarters, whether it be on or off post. she doesnt have to go anywhere. he will be placed in the barracks until things are resolved. this woman, being a military wife, has ALOT and i mean ALOT more protection and options than civilian wives. she just needs to learn how to use the military system. not sure why she hasnt yet-even those who are new to military life are required to go to FRG briefings, and they bring up all of this, because the military has a big focus on protecting families from abuse, which is rampant, and becoming more common with each OIF tour
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