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I am one who believes heartily in trying to work things out. Some things you can, and some things you can't. You will see in time which it is, and then you will know what action to take. Her personality and problems sound as if she is incapable of giving much. I don't know how or believe that people can do a complete turnaround, especially since they are so very lost. It would take years, if that.
indeed, she needs to change the way I needed to change. It's her choice and she will be in this cycle until she does change. I became aware of my situation and decided to make changes. Things are as they are, but you can change them.
It's been almost a year since I posted on this subject. We divorced. Every base was covered that I could possibly think of. I felt we did everything imaginable to save the marriage. In the end, she no longer wanted to be a part of it. She said she didn't love me, that we rushed into things, and that she was in love with the idea of being loved.
Some things I've learned. We did rush into things. I was trying to be a knight in shining armor giving her stability to her turbulent life. She hid feelings from me for the "hope" that she would some day ultimately fall in love with me. I was a pleaser, whatever she wanted I gave it to her. I rarely voiced my own opinion about anything for the sake of avoiding confrontation. I over analyzed things and tried to control the situation. Ultimately, I couldn't control how she felt and it was wrong of me to feel I could. It was wrong of her to marry when she wasn't in love.
Where she and I are now. We live in different places. The house is for sale. We put up 2 of our pets for adoption. I dated a few people, but it was an ego thing. I wanted to know if I was still desirable. Since that time, I've worked soley on myself and getting myself emotionally right.
I've started a new training program for transforming my body. I've been on it a month and it's working out well so far. I've ran a half marathon and am training for a full marathon. I don't analyze as much any more and I go with my "gut" feelings more. I saw what I feel. What's on the inside is reflected on the outside. I'm more confident. I do the things I want when I want and I voice my opinions more. I'm not dating anyone seriously as I don't feel I'm ready for that yet. But I do hang out and go on dates here and there. Nothing promiscuous. Just enjoying the moment and having a good time with whomever I'm with at the moment.
I"m finding that I live in the moment more now. Whenever negative thoughts pop in my head I push them out and focus on how things now make me feel rather than how thoughts of past things or things that have never happened make me feel. When I do things I do them with passion. I listen more. I'm kinder and more compasstionate, but at the same time stand up for my beliefs.
This divorce has forced me to take stock of who I was and who I wanted to be. I have made and am still making changes. I feel I'm a better person now. I still have feelings for my ex wife, but not so much so that I'm going to pound on her door and scream, "I love you." I know my place and how she feels. And I'm still moving on. Every day is easier than the previous day, and I know eventually things will be stable and a new normal will begin.
Thank you all who read and commented. If I can offer any advice to anyone please let me know.
Next time I read threads, I must look at the date(s) posted! Good for your progress, John. And good luck to you.
I don't necessarily agree you should stay in communication. She needs to grow separately from you, and as long as you remain in contact while she is growing, I don't see you growing while you're both together, even if not living together. In my opinion, neither of you is going to grow even with therapy if you continue to see each other because the same roles you've assumed will remain the same. That's what I think.
I also don't think it's a good idea to ask our opinions while you're in therapy. You do want to stay on course, right?
I'm not in therapy any longer. The therapist told me I get it now. She said to continue working on myself and that I must always do my best to be aware of how i'm feeling. That I should reflect on the outside what I feel on the inside.
Yeah. 24 is way too young to get married. I've never met a 24-year-old woman who really knew who she was yet.
Thank goodness that didn't happen with me! My wife and I have been together since high school, married at 23 years of age- 19 years of marriage so far..
indeed, she needs to change the way I needed to change. It's her choice and she will be in this cycle until she does change. I became aware of my situation and decided to make changes. Things are as they are, but you can change them.
Take it from me. When a woman says those words (she doesn't love me the way I deserve) she is not in love with you. She may love you as a person, but she in not "in love" with you.
Take it from me. When a woman says those words (she doesn't love me the way I deserve) she is not in love with you. She may love you as a person, but she in not "in love" with you.
She is trying to let you down as easy as she can.
You may have to move on.
Sorry and good luck!
yes, we are moving on. We are working on ourselves giving ourselves a chance to forgive ourselves and chance to love ourselves first. We were guilty of loving the idea of being in love and loving the other too much. Once we learn how to love ourselves first and foremost then we can love someone else.....be it with each other or someone else.
Even in the cacophony of our divorce and all we went through, my ex wife called me yesterday on Father's day to check up on me. She was right there by my side as he was dying of cancer. And through all we went through, she still had the decency to call. For all the pain of the divorce, I did appreciate the call.
Just because what you had could not sustain a marriage, doesn't mean it can't sustain a friendship. My ex and I are still friends. Maybe one day the two of can get to a space where you are friends. I think it was very classy for her to check on you. Even though she isn't in love with you, her call shows you that she does care and that the time you had together wasn't a game. It was real, it just wasn't a marriage.
Just because what you had could not sustain a marriage, doesn't mean it can't sustain a friendship. My ex and I are still friends. Maybe one day the two of can get to a space where you are friends. I think it was very classy for her to check on you. Even though she isn't in love with you, her call shows you that she does care and that the time you had together wasn't a game. It was real, it just wasn't a marriage.
Best of luck with your growth and new life.
I thought her call was kind and thoughtful. We still talk every now and then and we don't have any reason to, we just do. I wish it were this effortless when we were married.
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