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Ok, this is my first time here and I'm going to try and be brief as possible.
On July 28th my wife says she doesn't love me the way I deserve. My initial reaction ways emotional overload and no reaction. Of course this is deemed as me not caring but I do care, I just didn't know how to react.
I immediately burried my feelings and tried to control the situation. I didn't let my anger out because I always associated anger as deconstructive, rage, and revenge. In stead of saying how I feel, I went right into denial and tried to "fix it."
I started being nicer, more affectionate, and telling her how much I love her and was doing all this nice stuff to show her that she couldn't live without me. For her birthday in August, I bought 3 cd's and a dozen roses. To say I was making myself look needy is quite the understatement.
We went into marriage counseling almost immediately after she told me. I thought the therapist was biased saying I was in denial and looking needy. I then went into individual counseling and lo and behold I came to learn that I was in denial, I was being needy, and I wasn't addressing my feelings or faults.
We separate. That first week I was calling and coming over a lot. my individual counselor was like "Do you not respect her enough as a person to give her the space she wants?" So I back off. No calling, emailing, or visiting. Next thing I know, she asks me to dinner because our marriage counselor said we should do dinner and keep communication open. Cool, she came to me for once. Dinner was good. I go home and start journaling.
I work on my feelings and myself. I release all that I've been holding onto. I tell my wife that I have been upset with her but now I'm ok. While I love her and want to share my life with her, I don't need her and I can live without her.
The next week I was going to call her to see if she wanted to do dinner but she beat me to the punch and emailed it to me. This time is was, i need help giving the cats medicine could you come over and since you would be here would you like to do dinner? I come over, give the cat the medicine and immediately ask, "Do you want me here for dinner because the therapist says we should do dinner, or because you want me here?" Her reply.....both.
I tell her I am not going to come around if she doesn't want me there for the soul reason of having me there. If she needs a reason like the cat or the therapist says so, that's obligation not want to. I value our relationship more than just because someone says we should be in it.
Of course she has doubts and a lot of guilt. She didn't tell me this not loving me thing until a year after my father died. One month after I proposed he was diagnosed with cancer. One year from that day we burried him. Right before we got married her mom had a nervous breakdown. 2 months after we're married my brother is shipped off to Iraq. So yeah, a lot was going on. I don't begrudge her not telling me earlier.
So now she's told me. She feels guilty that we've been married almost 2 years and she's felt like this all along. By that, I mean the whole doubt thing. I added to her guilt by doing all that nice stuff. I told her she should feel guilty, but I apologize if I added anything to her guilt.
Last night we had a good date. We did the dinner, had some drinks, and talked. I email her this morning saying I thought last night was kind of like a movie. There was laughter, crying, action, and adventure. A skink came in the house and I had to catch it. She replies back about the animals being sick but nothing about last night. I emailed back, hopefully we didn't give the animals some food that made them feel ill, and if last night was to much I will back off. Her reply, I'm taking the cat to the vet, and last night was fine.
Now, I'm like, did you enjoy last night or not? but I'm not going to push it. I'm just going to leave her be until our next marriage counseling session tomorrow night. I just wish she would be direct with her feelings. I have been as of late. I've forgiven her for what she said. I've forgiven myself for being so needy and have worked on that. Even my wife says she's noticed a change in me. Perhaps because I don't respond to her every beck and call. I make myself unavailable now without completely cutting her off. We both have a lot of work to do on ourselves and with each other. I'm willing, she seems to be willing, this just is a long hard road.
I'll answer any questions you have or take any advice you have. There is a lot more to our backgrounds and this story but I've made this longer than I meant to.
First, I'm sorry. You are going through a shock and a painful ordeal.
That being said, it's over. I know you love her, but she really doesn't love you in the same way. When a person says, "I don't love you in the way you deserve," what she's saying is "I do not love you and I feel bad about it. I really wish you the best in life, but I cannot continue in this relationship because it is false to you and false to myself."
I wish there were some magic words that would make her love you again. Maybe, ten years from now, she'll realize how badly she screwed up and how she spurned a decent and conscientious man. Maybe not. Most likely not.
But I can tell you what not to do. She's already said she doesn't love you. She's already moved out. She likes you enough to try to ease your pain and deserves credit for that. However, there's nothing worse in this world than a person who rejects you but won't leave you alone. Her phone calls are a constant reminder of what you have lost and probably never really had in the first place.
So, with this blow, my advice to you is to preserve your dignity and self-respect. If she wants a separation and divorce, so be it. Make it amicable without rancor, accusations, or drama. End things neatly and move on. That way, on the slight chance she wants to open the door for you again in life, she'll remember you as a good and decent person who truly loved her without reservation.
Good luck to you. We're collectively sorry for your loss. But dragging this out will only deepen your pain and keep you from finding the real love in life that awaits you.
yeah, I'm going ride this out for a bit. You see, my wife came from a life where everyone on her father's side of the family is an alcholic. They've all been to prison for DUI. She has an uncle who murdered a man 2 years ago.
On her mom's side of the family all the aunt's and uncles have wound up in loveless relationships. Everyone on that side of the family is on some form of mood altering medications. Her mom and her dad divorced when she was ten.
My wife's mother is a very lonely woman who takes the blame for everything. And of course her father is a drunk who takes blame for nothing because he doesn't care about anything. My wife's needs and feelings growing up were never given any attention. Now she completely internalizes and says she's fine. Which of course is a lie, but she would never admit to it.
There is a lot of Autism on her mother's side of the family. My wife has some OCD which may be a result of this. Her OCD isn't anything wacko, she just has to eat a sandwhich a certain way, eat foods in a certain order, and she has a routine for drying off getting out of the shower.
This could be her way of having order to the chaos that has been her life. Then I show up. I'm normal, have no expectations, and am all round guy. But some how I lost myself and became the needy guy and tried to be who she wants me to be. Like I said, she has blame, but I'm not without blame. I too am at fault here.
She's in therapy, and I'm willing to give her a chance to see if she can work on herself. I'm doing things that make me happy. I'm in the process of changing my career. I told her, "We can go through this separately and alone, or we can do this together and come out the other side together for better or worse." I also told her she had to be willing to make such a commitment and I left it at that. I'm not going to push her. If she wants to work this out great. If not, I won't like it, but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.
So, for now, I am giving us a chance to work on ourselves to see if we can work together.
Of course she has doubts and a lot of guilt. She didn't tell me this not loving me thing until a year after my father died. One month after I proposed he was diagnosed with cancer. One year from that day we burried him. Right before we got married her mom had a nervous breakdown. 2 months after we're married my brother is shipped off to Iraq. So yeah, a lot was going on. I don't begrudge her not telling me earlier.
.
Sounds like you got married at a stressful time in your life. Rather than wait, and see where each of you stood, the obligation was there to follow through with it. If she has felt that way since before you married why would she say anything during such a bad time?
It's good that she told you, albeit 2 years later, but she still told you. Have some self worth. IMO, you can't make someone love you. She's got to deal with her own issues. You need to deal with yours.
Who knows....Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe you should give her alittle more space. No contact. If you want to wait it out, and she comes back, go for it. Without sounding too sappy, if it's meant to be, it will happen.
I am giving her space. I let her come to me. I'm not going to chase or pursue her. She has issues and I have issues to work out. With all the confusion and issues there's no chance for love to grow. But she has to be willing to change the way I am. So far she's making an effort.
Should be interesting this Saturday. We're going to a college football game with my mother. She asked about my mother. I told her my mom misses her. Both she and my mom asked if it was going to be weird. I told them both, "Only if you two want it to be weird."
Dude, the therapy is a waste of time. You are a nice guy trapped in a spider web. I think you are going above and beyond attending counseling. The problem isn't you.
You don't need counseling because you are a good person. You just need to know you can find better, be loved even if you are by yourself, move on, and it doesn't make you bad that you were needy.....we all have needs...I think the relationship you are in fostered or reinforced the overly neediness....good luck and get out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by john-ever-learning
yeah, I'm going ride this out for a bit. You see, my wife came from a life where everyone on her father's side of the family is an alcholic. They've all been to prison for DUI. She has an uncle who murdered a man 2 years ago.
On her mom's side of the family all the aunt's and uncles have wound up in loveless relationships. Everyone on that side of the family is on some form of mood altering medications. Her mom and her dad divorced when she was ten.
My wife's mother is a very lonely woman who takes the blame for everything. And of course her father is a drunk who takes blame for nothing because he doesn't care about anything. My wife's needs and feelings growing up were never given any attention. Now she completely internalizes and says she's fine. Which of course is a lie, but she would never admit to it.
There is a lot of Autism on her mother's side of the family. My wife has some OCD which may be a result of this. Her OCD isn't anything wacko, she just has to eat a sandwhich a certain way, eat foods in a certain order, and she has a routine for drying off getting out of the shower.
This could be her way of having order to the chaos that has been her life. Then I show up. I'm normal, have no expectations, and am all round guy. But some how I lost myself and became the needy guy and tried to be who she wants me to be. Like I said, she has blame, but I'm not without blame. I too am at fault here.
She's in therapy, and I'm willing to give her a chance to see if she can work on herself. I'm doing things that make me happy. I'm in the process of changing my career. I told her, "We can go through this separately and alone, or we can do this together and come out the other side together for better or worse." I also told her she had to be willing to make such a commitment and I left it at that. I'm not going to push her. If she wants to work this out great. If not, I won't like it, but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.
So, for now, I am giving us a chance to work on ourselves to see if we can work together.
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