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I have a male friend whom I am very good friends with and very close to. We know a lot about each other and have been initmate FWB's before, but are currently completely plantonic. He is considered single and looking, but does not date or hook up very often at all, and he and I are not, nor ever have, pursued a bf/gf relationship. I do trust him without question for anything, and he is my closest friend. I have, however, always felt like there is something to him that I could never quite put my finger on, something very personal and intimate that he hasn't felt comfortable with sharing. He has come close to telling me his deepest secrets before, but then stopped himself. Out of fear, maybe? He has always known that I fully accept him for who he is and he can talk to me about anything that is troubling him, and he has when needed.
One day this week I was killing time on CL personals section; mostly looking for good examples for WWHM blog. I happened to stumble across several ads posted by the same individual that just happened to be the same age and location as my friend, these ads all within the past month. These ads were advertising the desire to find a relationship partner that would partake in his specific fetishes. What tipped me off, though, was a very specific word used in one of the ads, a word I've never heard anyone else use but he uses often, plus the writing style. I knew I was looking at ads that my friend put up. In my own way, I confirmed they were his ads last night while talking on the phone because of the conversation I (admittedly ) set up. He tripped and almost let the cat of the bag, but then caught himself and corrected his words probably thinking I didn't notice. In the scheme of things, these fetishes are benign and would most likely not lead to illegal actions. I've done my research on the psychology behind them and do not see where they are causing any harm as long as there are no underlying mental issues, but I do understand why he would be fearful of sharing.
However, in my friend's case, he does have underlying issues. I do believe he suffers from both depression and maybe anxiety. I'm not in any position to provide therapy, but I do offer him the safety of someone to talk to. From the online research I have read, it does seem like the inability to talk about fetishes (fear of humiliation, unacceptance, etc) can be a major cause of depression, so there is a possibility that this could be linked with my friend.
Do I non-chalantly mention to him that I know about his ads with the reassurance that it doesn't affect my opinion of him, and that I am available if he ever needs to talk? Obviously done with great care to keep the conversation from getting awkward or defensive. Or, do I just keep quiet?
it is obvious that you are being respectful of his privacy in not wanting to reveal his fetish.
Honestly I would like to know what it is to better answer your question and curiosity. Won't be offended if you tell me to mind my business.
one day say that you found an article or post (something) that mentioned whatever this fetish is. Maybe you didn't understand it or know what it was. Or even ask him if he heard about it.
Do you find it interesting?? If you express interest maybe he will open up about it. since you guys have been intimate he probably doesn't want you to think of him differently.
Personally, I wouldn't because you are invading his privacy. Even though you are perfectly fine with his fetish it's up to him to decide what to share with you. However, if you want you could bring up the fetish is a completely nonchalant way. Like say, you know what I read today..... or something that will cause him to respond. His response will let you know if he's ready to share this with you. If he seems like he doesn't want to talk about it and changes the subject let him. What you want to do is plant the seed that this is something he can talk to him about. It's completely up to him if he takes you up on this offer. As someone who considers myself a private person, this is the way I'd want you to handle it becuase it's my choice of whether or not I want to share and I wouldn't feel as if I've been "found out".
Mir_ny .... he actually has 3 different fetishes that I have identified, all of which seem to be common in males. Message me privately.
LovelyinLA ... I tend to agree that if he wanted to discuss, he would. I just got the sense from talking to him yesterday that he trusts me enough to talk about it, but is afraid to talk about it. The reason why I say that is he started off his response to my question that briefly included mentioning an object of his affection, but then quickly switched his response to a generic answer as if just remembering "oh yeah, I haven't talked to her about that before." That was the impression that I got. And, again, he does have this information out the publically. I am more so concerned about the depression that I know he is suffering with, and he is also aware of and has admitted to, but has not been seeking treatment as of yet.
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Do I non-chalantly mention to him that I know about his ads with the reassurance that it doesn't affect my opinion of him, and that I am available if he ever needs to talk? Obviously done with great care to keep the conversation from getting awkward or defensive. Or, do I just keep quiet?
I would say that I had been reading through some posts and found one post that sounded interesting. Ask him what he thinks about 'X' fetish?
Why does it bother you that he's not sharing this with you??? Obviously it isn't a source of pride and probably a bit embarrassing...
I'm wondering why YOU seem to feel the need to talk about it with him... You know about it. You cracked his little code or whatever. Let it go. There's no need to discuss it.
I have a male friend whom I am very good friends with and very close to. We know a lot about each other and have been initmate FWB's before, but are currently completely plantonic. He is considered single and looking, but does not date or hook up very often at all, and he and I are not, nor ever have, pursued a bf/gf relationship. I do trust him without question for anything, and he is my closest friend. I have, however, always felt like there is something to him that I could never quite put my finger on, something very personal and intimate that he hasn't felt comfortable with sharing. He has come close to telling me his deepest secrets before, but then stopped himself. Out of fear, maybe? He has always known that I fully accept him for who he is and he can talk to me about anything that is troubling him, and he has when needed.
One day this week I was killing time on CL personals section; mostly looking for good examples for WWHM blog. I happened to stumble across several ads posted by the same individual that just happened to be the same age and location as my friend, these ads all within the past month. These ads were advertising the desire to find a relationship partner that would partake in his specific fetishes. What tipped me off, though, was a very specific word used in one of the ads, a word I've never heard anyone else use but he uses often, plus the writing style. I knew I was looking at ads that my friend put up. In my own way, I confirmed they were his ads last night while talking on the phone because of the conversation I (admittedly ) set up. He tripped and almost let the cat of the bag, but then caught himself and corrected his words probably thinking I didn't notice. In the scheme of things, these fetishes are benign and would most likely not lead to illegal actions. I've done my research on the psychology behind them and do not see where they are causing any harm as long as there are no underlying mental issues, but I do understand why he would be fearful of sharing.
However, in my friend's case, he does have underlying issues. I do believe he suffers from both depression and maybe anxiety. I'm not in any position to provide therapy, but I do offer him the safety of someone to talk to. From the online research I have read, it does seem like the inability to talk about fetishes (fear of humiliation, unacceptance, etc) can be a major cause of depression, so there is a possibility that this could be linked with my friend.
Do I non-chalantly mention to him that I know about his ads with the reassurance that it doesn't affect my opinion of him, and that I am available if he ever needs to talk? Obviously done with great care to keep the conversation from getting awkward or defensive. Or, do I just keep quiet?
I agree with SuSuShi. I always say two things... "don't ask if you don't really want to know" and "be careful what you ask for". I totally agree that if he wants you to know, he will tell you.
He probably feels like if you knew, you would feel differently about him and he obviously finds you a true friend and doesn't want to change your opinion of him. At some point, maybe not now he will probably fess up and when he does, you can smile and say I already knew. You both will breath a sigh of relief and the big secret will be out.
Until then, just be friends and let him do what he's doing.
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) set up. He tripped and almost let the cat of the bag, but then caught himself and corrected his words probably thinking I didn't notice. In the scheme of things, these fetishes are benign and would most likely not lead to illegal actions. I've done my research on the psychology behind them and do not see where they are causing any harm as long as there are no underlying mental issues, but I do understand why he would be fearful of sharing.
