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Your former wife was not someone who you divorced, it is someone that you loved and lost and for that reason it should be expected that at times, you are going to remember her. Not because you love your new fiance less, but because you remember your love and passion with your former wife. I think that in order to get through and passed speaking of your former wife, you have to be able to express yourself when and where you feel it necessary. 9/11 is something that comes around every year and it was a tragic event that touched you personally because you lost someone that you loved. I can't even imagine the emotions that you have gone through and will continue to go through but if your new fiance loves you she will support you and allow you to grieve when need be (mentioning your fomer wife is a way of grieving).
Good luck and god bless!
I like your views.
From listening to people that have gone through similar experiences, they have had to distance themselves from former friends that constantly bring up the subject and say how sorry they are. I guess people feel compelled to do so.
To the O.P.
I won't even claim I know what you've gone through but if I were the women your seeing now I believe I would be able to see its a good sign.
I agree with the poster who said that it's not the same as if you'd divorced her and were talking about her... you loved her and lost her tragically. I'm glad that you found another woman to spend your life with, and I think it's wonderful that she does not feel threatened by your talking about your first love.
Sorry your first wife was lost in the September 11th, 2001 attacks, and I know it's a loss all of us Americans feel.
As far as talking about her, we know that everyone reacts differently, I rarely bring up my past relationships in conversations, the way I see it, it's not a good idea to dwell on the past too much, I'm sure you both had a wonderful life together, and I think the best way to honor your first wife is to not dwell too much on her memories. It's good when your talk about her doesn't bother your current wife, and that shows willingness on her part to listen, but don't over do it.
Sorry, I kinda skipped through part of your post. Actually, it wouldnt bother me if someone talked about the past wife if she could not be around anymore. I might be equally as sad even though I didnt know her, but to experience that kind of loss....
I just wanted to mirror a little of what DVCGal said.
You lost your wife. You didn't divorce her. She didn't leave you. You didn't leave her. There's a difference in that in those latter type relationships, there is time, closure, acceptance, and healing involved. The one thing a widower never gets is closure. Time, acceptance, and healing all come in, though.
When you end a relationship "normally", where one person or both decide the relationship cannot continue, there is time to get closure. There's talking, sometimes yelling, even crying. But the bottom line is that the words get said. In your case, that didn't happen.
I think over time, as you enter this new phase of your life with your new wife (congratulations, by the way ), you will start making new memories with her. Soon, you will start referring to her the way you did with your past. That is not to tarnish your first wife in any way, and I think you are lucky to have a woman who understands your situation. As all the memories of times past are expanded with this new wonderful woman, you will find that she becomes the "my wife doesn't like.... " entity.
Give yourself some credit. You have gone through something in life that is dreaded by most people, losing a spouse. Just be glad you have a woman who understands that. Look at it this way, by still talking about your first wife, she knows how important your spouse was, and she knows that you will treat her the same way. There are probably many women who wish their husband knew them well enough, or talked about them, to say what their wife did or didn't do, liked or didn't like.
You're a good man. You now have an opportunity to share your life with what seems like a wonderful woman. Soon, she'll be the one on the other end hearing you talking to your friends about her.
First of all I'm sorry for your loss. If I were your girl friend/future wife I would totally understand. You will never forget your first wife. As time passes, your life will be filled with new memories from new people that enter into your life. Sounds like you met an understanding woman.
I was 34 at the time and lost my wife in 9/11. We were married for 11 months. It has taken me up to the last 18 months to get my life back together and have now met a wonderful woman and we are planning to marry next year.
As we live our day to day lives there are times when I bring up my past wife, most of the time not intentionally but by the time I realise I've just referred to her in a conversation it's too late, the words have already come out. Things like "oh yea, my wife used to enjoy skiing too". I feel uncomfortable when I say things like that, maybe she thinks I'm making comparisons between the two, I don't know. We have discussed it and she tells me it does not bother her at all and that she was / is part of my life. Somehow I'm not sure if she is being honest about it. I think it bothers her, although she tells me it doesn't. I don't do it on purpose, the words just flow out of my mouth in normal conversation. What advice would you suggest? Should I be more carefull before I open my mouth, is it appropriate bring up my past wife? To the ladies, would you feel uncomfortable if your partner brought up his past wife in conversation?
Your advice would be appreciated.
I agree with everyone that I wouldn't mind if the one I'm dating mentioned his past wife.
However, I think she might have been bothered by HOW you mentioned you past wife, in particular, you mentioned her as "your wife" (as if you're still married to her to this day), versus "my late wife". As much as I understand your point of view and your good intention, IF I were dating you, I would feel a bit awkward if you mentioned your past wife as "your wife".
I am remarried, and my husband was formally married aswell. I didnt bother me that me spoke of his ex untill he started comparing me to her. Even if it was comparing me as the better person it still bother me. I felt like she was always right there in his mind, and he thought of her then me. We went to Maui on our honeymoon and he compaired me, our time, and the fun things that we did to the vacation he took with her. He was trying to say that this is a much better trip and it was so fun to have some one to go do fun adventurious things with. But he said it over and over.
The other thing that I really bothered me is that he shared intimate details of thier relationship. Like things that happened in the bedroom, diffrent places that they enjoyed eachother, and toys that they had. I didnt really need or want to know any of that. Keep all thoes types of romantic,and special moments to your self. I now find myself thinking and saying well if you did this with her or for her that you should, could and will do this with me.
When he brings her up in casual conversation it dosent bother me. He will say things like Amber and I had this type of dishes and they held up nice and didnt chip as easy. Amber and I took a trip and saw this and it was pretty awesome.
Sorry about your loss. I am happy that you have been able to find love again.
Your have gone through a lot and you are still grieving; in order to cleanse that grief and to move onward you must speak of your late wife and your new lady knows this. The more you get it out the better it is. What you resist persists. I wish you all the best.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minx
I was 34 at the time and lost my wife in 9/11. We were married for 11 months. It has taken me up to the last 18 months to get my life back together and have now met a wonderful woman and we are planning to marry next year.
As we live our day to day lives there are times when I bring up my past wife, most of the time not intentionally but by the time I realise I've just referred to her in a conversation it's too late, the words have already come out. Things like "oh yea, my wife used to enjoy skiing too". I feel uncomfortable when I say things like that, maybe she thinks I'm making comparisons between the two, I don't know. We have discussed it and she tells me it does not bother her at all and that she was / is part of my life. Somehow I'm not sure if she is being honest about it. I think it bothers her, although she tells me it doesn't. I don't do it on purpose, the words just flow out of my mouth in normal conversation. What advice would you suggest? Should I be more carefull before I open my mouth, is it appropriate bring up my past wife? To the ladies, would you feel uncomfortable if your partner brought up his past wife in conversation?
Your advice would be appreciated.
Ludia do you know this info because you are a licensed clinical psychologist with a specialty in marriages?
Quote:
Originally Posted by ludia
Your have gone through a lot and you are still grieving; in order to cleanse that grief and to move onward you must speak of your late wife and your new lady knows this. The more you get it out the better it is. What you resist persists. I wish you all the best.
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), you will start making new memories with her. Soon, you will start referring to her the way you did with your past. That is not to tarnish your first wife in any way, and I think you are lucky to have a woman who understands your situation. As all the memories of times past are expanded with this new wonderful woman, you will find that she becomes the "my wife doesn't like.... " entity. 
Your have gone through a lot and you are still grieving; in order to cleanse that grief and to move onward you must speak of your late wife and your new lady knows this. The more you get it out the better it is. What you resist persists. I wish you all the best.
