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I think that you need to give your husband a second chance, first you still love him .. second he is good to you .so Try to fix his problems together . It is your turn.... Your hesitating is good for your marriage.
After all If you could not make any progress with him ,then walk away.
I think this is good advice.
When you said "No because I do love my husband and he is generally good to me."
Sounds like he deserves a second chance.
I think if your serious about leaving you should talk to him first, give him a chance to change.
I was married young...to my first husband. He is now my ex but I knew it was time to call it off for many of the same reasons you have listed. I did try every avenue before taking a break that lead into our divorce, but I felt the same way in regards to not wasting my life. It's sad that it took getting married for me to realize how much better I could do but I will tell you that it was the best decision I could have made. I am not advocating that you get a divorce, I just felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I spent the next four years dating, having fun, socializing until I met my current hubby~and I know he is the one. I knew it the moment I met him!
I wish you the best of luck and at least there are no children involved in this. That is one blessing that you have.
But damn, marriage is HARD. Especially being so young! I hope my future kids don't get married as young as me!
I think there is a lot of wisdom in that comment.
I also think it is great you are going to try counseling. Your husband should try to join you. He's part of this, too.
As to how young you are, finding out more about your husband...it's a pretty common thing, this failure of the first young marriage. I think that we don't know ourselves or what we really want/don't want as well when we are younger. As we mature into adulthood, finish our education, become more exposed to the world, we learn a lot more about ourselves.
Your comment about his ambition is very telling. I don't think you can necessarily change that about him. And I suspect it wasn't something you realized you wanted in a mate until you were married and you didn't have it. Just a fact of growing up.
I don't think you should pressure yourself into staying in something that makes you really unhappy or unfulfilled. You can love someone like crazy and they can just not be the right person for you to spend your life with. The drinking is a big red flag. It may also be why you're not having more sex.
However, I would try super-duper hard to evaluate the situation from every angle, try counseling, try explaining all these feelings to your husband...do everything you can to fix what you have. If in the end it is unfixable...then go.
Be very, very careful in the selection of your next mate and make sure you understand that he is not supposed to be the source of your happiness (or sadness) and that no one is perfect. You just have to find someone with traits you can respect and live with.
You need to be able to talk about your feelings. He needs to be in counseling with you.
Later in life, each of us will have formed set patterns, habits. Being married as a young person, you can each modify your habits to conform around each other. Trying to start a marriage when your older is harder. As each person brings more baggage into it.
Sexless marriages are not uncommon.
I am in my 40s and as I look around, I am seeing many others at my age [and older] whose marriages became sexless years ago. Unfortunately it seems to be a steady part of our culture.
1) We are a young couple. I was married at 21 and we've been together about 5 years now. I never really got to experience dating & single life....just being free basically.
2) I am concerned about his drinking. He used to drink WAY too much and now is down to a few nights a week, a 6pack each time. He can't have just one though. He does hold a job down and is a hard worker but I grew up around alcoholics so it drives me nuts. He won't stop completely and feels he has cut back enough.
3) Our sex life sucks...I don't know what the problem is but we are lucky to have it twice a month if that. Which is not right for people in their 20's, IMO !!!!
4) He is generally a couch potato which I can't stand. I'm not super active but I don't like to spend the whole weekend watching tv.
5) I don't feel like we "connect". He is not intellectual AT ALL. We were raised completely different and I know that contributes to this but I'm finding myself wanting someone more educated and intellectual. Not just the "joe 6pack" type of guy.
6) I would love to be a stay at home mom after I have my first child and he wants no part of that. Thinks it's me wanting to be "lazy".
There are many other things but these are what I could think of right now. I'm really tired - I have 3 midterms this coming week!
Thank you for all the advice.....
AK you have listed 6 reasons why you don't want to have a relationship
with your husband. That should tell you something.
AKgirl, it soulds like you want to fix your marriage but your hubby doesn't. You need to sit dwon with him and see if he is willing to go to counseling to save your marrige. If he isn't, then that is your answer. Just DO NOT get pregnant what ever you do.
I started to write an answer to this, but realized that I would be immediately dismissed as a "feminazi" who supposedly does not take marriage seriously. So, let me instead reply with a quote from an essay by a man (and clearly not a feminist in a modern sense, not by a long shot), with whose contents I agree in principle:
Quote:
What thing more instituted to the solace and delight of man than marriage, and yet this misinterpreting of some scripture directed mainly against the abusers of the law for divorce given by Moses, have changed the blessing of matrimony not seldom into a familiar and co-inhabiting mischief; at least into a drooping and disconsolate household captivity, without refuge or redeption. So ungoverned and so wild a race does superstition run us from one extreme of abused liberty into the other of unmerciful restraint. For although God in the first ordaining of marriage, taught us to what end he did it, in words expressly implying the apt and cheerful conversation of man with woman, to comfort and refresh him against the evil of solitary life, not mentioning the purpose of generation till afterwards, as being but a secondary end in dignity, though not in necessity; yet now, if any two be but once joined in the Church, and have tasted the nuptial bed, let them find themselves never so mistaken in their dispositions through any error, concealment or misadventure that through their different tempers, thoughts, and constitutions, they can neither be to one another a remedy against loneliness, nor live in any union or contenment all their days, yet they shall, so they be but found suitably disposed to the least possibility of sensual enjoyment, be made, in spight of antipathy to one another, combine as they may to their unspeakable wearisomness and despair of all sociable delight in the ordinance with God established to that very end.
-- John Milton, 17th century (author of Paradise Lost)
I'll give a male perspective. Go to him and tell him what your angry about, it is a partnership afterall, can't 2 people merge together? 2nd what exactly is the 'going out an experiencing life' thing everyone seems to want? Personally I wouldn't want to be raising the children of the woman whose priority was to go out and have fun before marrying, or getting married with anything that went along with it. Is he a religious man? A man of his word? anything like that? If thats the case just tell him to get up off his hinquarters and get his crap into gear. Be a lil' forceful, he's a grown man supposedly, should be able to handle the needs of his wife.
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