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I think about divorce sometimes and wonder how do people do it. When your life is wrapped up into things and finances and just its seems like an overwhelming task. I mean I just cant see how to start over. After so many years married. COuld someone tell me how they did this and all the fears?
At some point, you have to take a practical approach. Although I agree that divorce is the absolute last resort, I believe some relationships should not be preserved for their own sake. Divorce is just like marriage in that it must be approached intelligently despite all the emotional overload. Personally, I've never fared well in support groups and all that wallowing in "feelings", and I think that in situations like a separation, you've got to get out of touch with your feelings for a while. That's the only way not to get overwhelmed. Once you come to a decision, you form a plan. You consult an attorney (even if you yourself are one). You rent a place, pack your suitcase, have that "talk" with your spouse. You let the lawyers and the courts handle the financial and legal side of your divorce. You don't look to your lawyer as a therapist. You don't nickel-and-dime your spouse. You give up your pound of flesh and then you move on -- and you dedicate the rest of your life to better things than b*tching about your divorce or your ex. Most importantly, you have to know what you want. Divorce is only appropriate when the relationship is clearly over. Starting a divorce out of anger and spite is what ultimately turns into a lifelong mess.
My good friend and her waste of human flesh almost ex husband are bickering so badly over the "stuff" the judge ordered an auction house to come and inventory their belongings...and I mean EVERYTHING...
That is the kind of stuff that would make me sick...I would throw it all at him and walk away.
These are the horror stories that probably keep alot of people together
Well, you take one day at a time. That's all you can really do. You go through the motions until everything is done.
However, one thing I did learn is there's a difference between lawyer jargon and what your ex- is saying. The communication between the lawyers can get so hostile and not really reflect what each of you really want. All the lawyers are trying to do is fight for you even if you're not interested in fighting.
It didn't take us long to figure out that our lawyers were manipulating us, so we used a clergy member in my family to help us communicate the details. Luckily, he loves our kids and in the end all the financial decisions were made to take care of them.
The other big thing is to get over it as quickly as you can however you can. Go to counselling, support groups, whatever. Pick yourself up for the sake of the kids. Don't burden them with your problems. They need to know that everything is going to be ok.
Never deny your spouse from seeing the kids or being involved in their life. Kids are not a prize or a tool to inflict hurt on one another. It doesn't hurt the spouse, it hurts the kids and it's shameful. Lawyers will advise you do so as well, but be strong and don't listen to them.
Be the better person. Live by your standards and not anyone elses. Just because your spouse is ..... that doesn't mean that you have to reduce yourself. Take the high road for your benifit and the kids'.
wow Im impressed at all the great responses!! What a smart bunch here!! Thanks for all the great and good common sense answers. I get it, if its that bad in a marriage who cares about the rest of the crap!! I get it now!!
Getting divorced hasn't been easy for me at all. I've been in the process for 2 years and still no final decree. I stayed with him initially because I was emotionally invested and that didn't help. Then I stayed for the kids (7 & 3) because that is the "right thing to do", but when the behavior that made the marriage bad for me started happening to them, I was finished with the marriage. Now I'm just ready for it to be over with and yet he's still fighting me every step of the way. It's supremely frustrating, but remarkably less so than to actually have to live with him.
A divorce is not fun no matter which party wants it. I stayed with my first husband for fifteen years for the sake of the children. I had told him many times that he was pushing me for a divorce and he said, "you don't have the guts". It was totally the wrong thing to say, I saw an attorney the next week. It is very hard on the children and that was the only thing I felt bad about, he had made my life miserable for years. My second husband has been a gem.
My 1rst husband was too into himself and it ended because of his wants and lusts. He was good in how he planned to take care of our son but when the other woman became involved he did not carry through and I had to push with support enforcement which stopped us from fighting over support but ticked him off because he was a cop and it made him look like a jerk. He was never there for our son and when we divored our son was 11 and then Dad really checked out. Dad works harder at it now that my son is 28 but my son also doesn't let him slack and pushes a relationship regardless of Dads wife. My son has never been able to have dinner or a holiday or stay over night, to this day even though he has a son of his own. His Dad spends the night at my sons house (without dads wife). My son and his family make him welcome no matter how lousey a father he has been. Thank goodness my son has my forgiving nature. I resent my ex for being like this more than my son does. Divorce is hard and when a new partner is brought it they can make it alot worse. It should never be taken out on the children. How can someone even after 17 years take it out on their spouses child? I mean good grief the child is an adult with a child of his own. No reason for the new wife to resent the child because she disrupted the family by becoming the mistress then married him. It is obvious I do not want him back, married 16 years to someone else. She needs to get over it or he needs some balls to say this is my child and you will welcome him and his family. My ex raised her children from age 7 & 10 but turned his back on his son at 11. It still baffles me to this day. Children should never be the pawn. They need 100% from both parents and the new spouses need to be on board too. Ok I am off my soap box, thank you.
These are the horror stories that probably keep alot of people together
I was depressing myself with the latest issue of Time on my lunch break. There was an article on the impact of recessions on divorces. I personally tend to be a prophet and get divorced right before recessions. Be very afraid if I ever get married again and I'm about to get a divorce.
Anyway, they were talking about people being forced to live under the same roof because of the housing market. Then it was mentioned that in states where a mandatory separation is required (VA was given as an example) those living in the same house shouldn't engage in sex, go on dates, shouldn't cook for each other and do each other's laundry. I wonder how these rules are gonna be enforced - by aiming flashlights at their bedrooms?! My buddy and I came to the conclusion the rules might strengthen the marriages... they can say "I'd love to do this, honey, but I can't"... so they'll be nice to each other... and voila, marriage saved!
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