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Assuming there is no serious financial problem, the guy is not impotent, and no violence in this marriage . Is there really problems so serious that candid talk, cool-off period or even occasional date with escort can't solve? Considering the cost and all the trouble involved in a divorce, I seriously don't understand why so many couples opt for the most expensive and messy route. Maybe we are totally brainwashed by modern entertainment to the point we actually believe that every second of a 50 years marriage should feel like honeymoon or even the first time we have sex, maybe Americans are too enamored with instant gratification that people have to be basically "in fun" every second to believe they are living a worthy life. I dunno, it just seems like that the only thing most people learn from marriage is the habit of making a big deal out of nothing.
Assuming that there is no infidelity, there are so many divorces because people are quitters. We want everything our way and if we don't get it like that then we just move on. We treat our spouses that way, children that way, friends that way... it's just the prototypical downward spiral of a societ with ever decreasing morals. People are disposable- both spouses as well as children.
Divorce should be a last resort, and should only be used when someone is physically or emotionally threatened.
I agree that people are so used to instant gratification that no one is willing to put in work. Marriage is work, and if you aren't willing to work at it, then you don't deserve the benefits of the relationship. Like posters have said, it ain't all roses, and if you recognize that early on, you are better prepared for a marriage.
If anything a person should not get married until they are mature enough to know themselves and what qualities they need in a mate vs what they want- there is a difference. There should be a strong foundation of common interests, especially in religion, since for most people, that is the foundation of their morals and beliefs. At that point, they need to really get to know the person they are looking to marry. Spend time together, meet their family and friends, and ask questions, even the difficult ones, and ensure that their actions are in line with their answers. If not, confront it. COMMUNICATE. In some respects separate emotions from the process and investigate anything that could potentially be a red flag. See how they are now (good and bad) with the expectation that this is how they will be once you say 'I do'.
After you say, I do, it's a commitment to stick together through all things. IMO the way I feel about my wife should be at its lowest when we do get married. Marriage to me means that I see this person as someone on the same page as myself, and we are going to continue what we've started, and grow. Love will grow, so as we learn those not so good points about each other, and things change, that love will still be there.
I'm a Christian, and my understanding of Marriage stems from the Bible. People do change, so 2 way communication is critical for these periods. The person has to grow to become your best friend. Selfish desires should become second place, the needs of that person are just as important as your own. Like the scriptures say you become ONE flesh. If these are adhered to, then your relationship will work, come what may.
I'm conemplating marriage right now, and me and my girl are both interested in making it work. At our ages (30 and 29, respectively), I expect more focus from both of us. I'm the type that will get all the facts before I invest too heavily into anything . When I say 'I do', I will be well educated on what I'm getting into. What happens after that point? I can't control 100% of what I will do, or what she does, but I can go in with the expectation that whatever happens, we will both put our best foot in making it work.
Divorce should be a last resort, and should only be used when someone is physically or emotionally threatened.
I agree that people are so used to instant gratification that no one is willing to put in work. Marriage is work, and if you aren't willing to work at it, then you don't deserve the benefits of the relationship. Like posters have said, it ain't all roses, and if you recognize that early on, you are better prepared for a marriage.
If anything a person should not get married until they are mature enough to know themselves and what qualities they need in a mate vs what they want- there is a difference. There should be a strong foundation of common interests, especially in religion, since for most people, that is the foundation of their morals and beliefs. At that point, they need to really get to know the person they are looking to marry. Spend time together, meet their family and friends, and ask questions, even the difficult ones, and ensure that their actions are in line with their answers. If not, confront it. COMMUNICATE. In some respects separate emotions from the process and investigate anything that could potentially be a red flag. See how they are now (good and bad) with the expectation that this is how they will be once you say 'I do'.
After you say, I do, it's a commitment to stick together through all things. IMO the way I feel about my wife should be at its lowest when we do get married. Marriage to me means that I see this person as someone on the same page as myself, and we are going to continue what we've started, and grow. Love will grow, so as we learn those not so good points about each other, and things change, that love will still be there.
I'm a Christian, and my understanding of Marriage stems from the Bible. People do change, so 2 way communication is critical for these periods. The person has to grow to become your best friend. Selfish desires should become second place, the needs of that person are just as important as your own. Like the scriptures say you become ONE flesh. If these are adhered to, then your relationship will work, come what may.
I'm conemplating marriage right now, and me and my girl are both interested in making it work. At our ages (30 and 29, respectively), I expect more focus from both of us. I'm the type that will get all the facts before I invest too heavily into anything . When I say 'I do', I will be well educated on what I'm getting into. What happens after that point? I can't control 100% of what I will do, or what she does, but I can go in with the expectation that whatever happens, we will both put our best foot in making it work.
You're on the right track to having better odds for a successful marriage, but just remember, the world is not always black and white. There can sometimes be a lot of gray areas that you have to be willing to adjust to if you want to stay married - in other words, you have to be willing to compromise, A LOT sometimes Best of luck to you.
It's amazing the amount of people that would rather a couple stay together and be miserable than go their separate ways and possibly have a chance to be happy.
What's that saying about knowing what is best for yourself and not letting others dictate your choices in life?
I guess it's saying that most people have a natural desire to try to control how other people live their lives.
You're on the right track to having better odds for a successful marriage, but just remember, the world is not always black and white. There can sometimes be a lot of gray areas that you have to be willing to adjust to if you want to stay married - in other words, you have to be willing to compromise, A LOT sometimes Best of luck to you.
Thanks. I accept understand those odds (gray ares) and accept them.
Is there really problems so serious that candid talk, cool-off period or even occasional date with escort can't solve?
Yes. Additionally, infidelity, impotence and violence are a lot more common than you seem to think.
Quote:
Originally Posted by eatfastnoodle
Considering the cost and all the trouble involved in a divorce, I seriously don't understand why so many couples opt for the most expensive and messy route.
A route to what? Depending on what your goal is, an expensive and messy route may be worth it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by eatfastnoodle
Maybe we are totally brainwashed by modern entertainment to the point we actually believe that every second of a 50 years marriage should feel like honeymoon or even the first time we have sex, maybe Americans are too enamored with instant gratification that people have to be basically "in fun" every second to believe they are living a worthy life.
Most people I've met who got divorced really tried to compromise and save their marriage; and came to the decision to end it after much painful reflection. Contrary to what you seem to think, divorce comes at the tail end of a long, long period of disintegration, that can't be repaired with a simple "candid talk". And of course, it's foolish to expect gratification every moment of your life -- but you should get some enjoyment out of life, and it is not wrong to expect life to be somewhat enjoyable. (Here is where I get puzzled over all those lectures about how marriage is "hard work", and you are an idiot if you expect anything else out of your relationship. Well, of course, a romantic relationship should be cultivated and tended to. But marriage, first and foremost, is meant to be a solace and a source of consolation, if not joy -- not a friggin' prison labor highway construction project.) A life that has no gratification in it at all, no joy in it at all is not worth living -- and the "work" you put in it for work's sake is a waste of time. You might as well just off yourself. I know most people here disagree, but I happen to think divorce is a superior alternative to suicide -- and certainly a more humane alternative to homicide.
Quote:
Originally Posted by eatfastnoodle
I dunno, it just seems like that the only thing most people learn from marriage is the habit of making a big deal out of nothing.
Way to be dismissive. That's an easy statement to make about someone else's problem.
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Best of luck to you.
