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I have to agree with Dear Abby on this one. While I understand the concern of the parents their priority ought to be on what is best for their daughter, not what is best for themselves.
Speaking personally, I underwent a surgical procedure some years ago and while not extremely serious in nature I was still very nervous and preferred that only my DH be with me pre-surgery so as to relax as much as possible. Still, the pastor of my church came to talk and pray and stayed for about 45 minutes. While his intentions were good his presence bothered me. A different pastor visited me after the birth of my first child. I had a bad reaction to some medication, was dressed in some nursing gown (and I'm not even sure that I was decent) and was barely coherent. He didn't call before the visit...just popped into my room. Since when is a hospital room a public place that people just pop in without calling? Geesh, people are sick or in pain, scared and possibly overly emotional and yet people just walk right in without invitation like it is a good time for a visit. If I want someone to be there, I'll let you know, otherwise stay away. Because I had c-sections I also told my mom and IL's to stay away until I was recovered...4-6 weeks. You see, my mom is the needy type and I would have had to take care of her as well as the baby and myself. My MIL needs to be entertained as a 'proper guest' and I wasn't up for house guests. If either of them had offered to come and HELP it might have been different.
That's so stupid. You know what....she needs to quit being a jerk and be happy that her parents love her enough to want to be there....I bechya her hubby and her parents don't get along and that's the only reason .....It's not like they will be sitting right by her side in her room while she's recovering....but if they want to be there and sit in the waiting room why not let them?!? that's so stupid.....shame on her.
I hope that I'll never have to resort to not telling my parents anything at all just to get them to respect my wishes.
Although I agree with you that friends and family should respect our wishes during a trying time, like hospital visits, I think there is more to it than simply respecting somebodys wishes. It just isn't a clean-cut issue with stark lines of right and wrong. What is an issue is the intent.
Most of us know exactly how our close family members will react to news such as us having surgery and a recovery period. With that knowledge, we have to decide the best way to deliver the news, with our personal wishes and the reactions of others in mind.
In my case, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt, my mom would insist on being present before and after my surgery. I also knew she would insist because she loved me and because she would worry herself sick till she knew beyond a doubt that I was okay. Not only was I trying to spare her a lot of worry, I was trying to spare myself from worrying about her and her feelings about it. I knew she would be a wreck over it and felt it would be best if she was told after the fact. Was she mad at me? Sure. She got over it in about 2 seconds when she knew I was okay. That's better than weeks of worrying.
Regarding the woman in question in the original thread, YES, others should respect her wishes not not have others hovering when she needs to focus on getting better. She had to know her family would worry and want to be there to support her though. Anyone who has kids has to understand that a parent would make themselves sick with worry over their childs health issues, no matter how old they are. That's what parents who love their kids unconditionally do. It's not a selfish act to love your family and want to see with your own eyes that they are okay. The intention was a good one, IMO.
That's so stupid. You know what....she needs to quit being a jerk and be happy that her parents love her enough to want to be there....I bechya her hubby and her parents don't get along and that's the only reason .....It's not like they will be sitting right by her side in her room while she's recovering....but if they want to be there and sit in the waiting room why not let them?!? that's so stupid.....shame on her.
You obviously lack the ability to put yourself in the shoes of a seriously ill person who needs all their energy focused on getting well and not on caretaking their parents or siblings. I hope you are never in those shoes to actually feel what a person like that feels. Regardless, the one dying or seriously ill has the right to have the final say on who will or won't be there for them depending on what THEY think they need to pull through. It is NOT selfish to only want your significant other with you - for some people it's just survival.
That's so stupid. You know what....she needs to quit being a jerk and be happy that her parents love her enough to want to be there....I bechya her hubby and her parents don't get along and that's the only reason .....It's not like they will be sitting right by her side in her room while she's recovering....but if they want to be there and sit in the waiting room why not let them?!? that's so stupid.....shame on her.
You're envisioning kind, supportive, helpful parents. Her parents could be loud, rude, manipulative, whiny, needy, bossy, tearful, drunken, etc., etc. If someone tells their "beloveds" to stay away, they probably have a good reason.
You obviously lack the ability to put yourself in the shoes of a seriously ill person who needs all their energy focused on getting well and not on caretaking their parents or siblings. I hope you are never in those shoes to actually feel what a person like that feels. Regardless, the one dying or seriously ill has the right to have the final say on who will or won't be there for them depending on what THEY think they need to pull through. It is NOT selfish to only want your significant other with you - for some people it's just survival.
Hi, I'm new here. First of, I'm not a big "ask Abby" fan..."ask Margo" seems wiser IMHO I consider us a ME ME ME society. It's all about my feelings, my life, my stuff... It seems like nobody wants to wear anyone's shoes.
To answer the above quote, don't we ALL have feet? How about placing those shoes on the other foot? These are her parents who worry sick for her. If she didn't want their involvement, then she should've kept quiet. It's natural and unselfish for parents to care and worry. She wants everyone's sympathy but on her own terms. How about that!
How about compromise. She could've asked them to visit for no more than an hour. Likewise, her parents should be understanding that she is under stress and needs alone time. Just because you're sick, doesn't give you the right to be selfish and being the parent is not guaranteed full access either. Everyone should try to be sensitive and patient.
You're envisioning kind, supportive, helpful parents. Her parents could be loud, rude, manipulative, whiny, needy, bossy, tearful, drunken, etc., etc. If someone tells their "beloveds" to stay away, they probably have a good reason.
True, very true. My mother was such a problem with my first baby that we didn't even tell her when I went to the hospital with the other two. My husband even took off a week WITHOUT PAY to keep her from bothering me.
I even had surgeries without telling anyone because I was afraid it would get back to her and she would insist on staying with me "to help." The Smothering types are often the worse because they refuse to leave the patient alone long enough for Nature to heal.
Surgical patients need to spend those first few days quietly. That's impossible to do if parents insist on being there.
You obviously lack the ability to put yourself in the shoes of a seriously ill person who needs all their energy focused on getting well and not on caretaking their parents or siblings. I hope you are never in those shoes to actually feel what a person like that feels. Regardless, the one dying or seriously ill has the right to have the final say on who will or won't be there for them depending on what THEY think they need to pull through. It is NOT selfish to only want your significant other with you - for some people it's just survival.
You have obviously been brainwashed by society and "Caretaking"???? I'm sorry....did the article mention that she would be changing their diapers while in recoevery? because I didn't see that part Your right....she does have the final say.....All i'm saying is that it's sad that she would deny her parents peace of mind at such a miniscuel cost to her......sounds more like vindictivness than anything else.....of course, that's just my opinion
Hi, I'm new here. First of, I'm not a big "ask Abby" fan..."ask Margo" seems wiser IMHO I consider us a ME ME ME society. It's all about my feelings, my life, my stuff... It seems like nobody wants to wear anyone's shoes.
To answer the above quote, don't we ALL have feet? How about placing those shoes on the other foot? These are her parents who worry sick for her. If she didn't want their involvment, then she should've kept quiet. It's natural and unselfish for parents to care and worry. She wants everyone's sympathy but on her own terms. How about that!
How about compromise. She could've asked them to visit for no more than an hour. Likewise, her parents should be understanding that she is under stress and needs alone time. Just because you're sick, doesn't give you the right to be selfish and being the parent is not guaranteed full access either. Everyone should try to be sensitive and patient.
I'm sorry, when you are seriously ill and facing a life or death situation you do not need to waste your energy taking care of other people and their feelings.
Not all parents/relatives know how to be helpful and unobtrusive in these situations and the sick person is better off without them hovering or zapping their energy. THIS IS NOT SELFISH. Have you ever had to fight for YOUR life? Do you know the sheer will power and energy something like that takes? Wanting to recover and to do so as quickly as possible is not selfish OR being a bad "child". Parents who whine about their lack of place would be being childish. Sure, any loving parent would want to be involved but mature, emotionally healthy parents would understand giving the patient what they say they need to deal with all they are going thru.
You have obviously been brainwashed by society and "Caretaking"???? I'm sorry....did the article mention that she would be changing their diapers while in recoevery? because I didn't see that part Your right....she does have the final say.....All i'm saying is that it's sad that she would deny her parents peace of mind at such a miniscuel cost to her......sounds more like vindictivness than anything else.....of course, that's just my opinion
Brainwashed by society?? Not even sure what that means
I was referring to caretaking of peoples feelings - not actual taking care of someone physically.
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If I want someone to be there, I'll let you know, otherwise stay away. Because I had c-sections I also told my mom and IL's to stay away until I was recovered...4-6 weeks. You see, my mom is the needy type and I would have had to take care of her as well as the baby and myself. My MIL needs to be entertained as a 'proper guest' and I wasn't up for house guests. If either of them had offered to come and HELP it might have been different.
.....It's not like they will be sitting right by her side in her room while she's recovering....but if they want to be there and sit in the waiting room why not let them?!? that's so stupid.....shame on her.
I consider us a ME ME ME society. It's all about my feelings, my life, my stuff... It seems like nobody wants to wear anyone's shoes. 
How about placing those shoes on the other foot? These are her parents who worry sick for her. If she didn't want their involvement, then she should've kept quiet. It's natural and unselfish for parents to care and worry. She wants everyone's sympathy but on her own terms. How about that! 
Your right....she does have the final say.....All i'm saying is that it's sad that she would deny her parents peace of mind at such a miniscuel cost to her......sounds more like vindictivness than anything else.....of course, that's just my opinion 
