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I drafted an e-mail and sent it to a couple friends to get their opinion, mostly to keep me from sending it to him. I still don't want to write back but I'm tempted.
i like what you said about writing letters and not sending them. that is a very healthy thing to do because you get to say whatever it is you want to say without getting dragged back into it, and by showing it to friends who have your well-being at heart you get their responses and can make a decision that is a CHOICE rather than a knee-jerk REACTION
and ask yourself this....under what circumstances WOULD you be willing to talk to him? What would the situation have to be? And then see if where you are now matches that.
also if you reach a point where you really feel the need to tell him ANYTHING including how much he hurt you (or whatever) then you can write that and send it to him
i like what you said about writing letters and not sending them. that is a very healthy thing to do because you get to say whatever it is you want to say without getting dragged back into it, and by showing it to friends who have your well-being at heart you get their responses and can make a decision that is a CHOICE rather than a knee-jerk REACTION
and ask yourself this....under what circumstances WOULD you be willing to talk to him? What would the situation have to be? And then see if where you are now matches that.
also if you reach a point where you really feel the need to tell him ANYTHING including how much he hurt you (or whatever) then you can write that and send it to him
As much as he brought you pain, he may have brought you some happiness as well ...
It's sad what some choose to do to others, but you can control how you respond ...
Maybe he has regrets and wants to express his thoughts, emotions and apologies ... It's never too late to forgive or make amends. It doesn't mean you'll get back together, but meet at the path of peace.
Ah, you're getting the classic "I have regrets about the decisions I've made" letter, even if he's not saying it outright. Where somebody is now married and, now that they're off the market, they start looking up old girlfriends or boyfriends just to see "how they're doing." I've had three ex-girlfriends contact me that very same way. All of them wound up divorced a couple of years after that.
Well, he's not just seeing how you're doing. He's floating a trial balloon. He's at some crossroads in his life, and wondering if things wouldn't have been better if he had married you. He's being completely self-centered for opening up fresh wounds that took a long time to heal.
The only response you should write is, "Are you kidding me? After all the pain you've caused me? Don't even think about ever contacting me again."
There. That's it. And delete all the inevitable, subsequent e-mails rationalizing his sorry actions. You'll respect yourself a lot more for it. And, as much as I despise the shallow term "closure," this will indeed help you turn the corner on this guy, for you wound up being the one rejecting him, not vice versa.
Delete it, block his email address, and move on. Don't email him telling him not to email you. WTF is that? It's just opening the lines of communication. Remember: there was a point in his life when he looked at you and all your fabulousness and decided to to sh*tcan that package for something else. Well, he's got his something else and you've got your own life. You're no one's garage sale or sloppy seconds. Who gives a f*ck why he's doing it or what he's thinking? Wh cares? Not your problem. Sharing how you "feel" or how he broke your heart or your "true feelings" with him will do nothing productive. He needn't know he has affected your life this much, even if he has. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of even remembering who he was, other than a comma in the story of your life. Imagine you being married to this guy and him emailing ex girlfriends while he's deployed. Uhm....no thanks.
I wouldn't email the guy. If I were you, I wouldn't let him know what kind of hurt he caused you. He didn't care then, so why should he know now? Just delete the email and block him. I'm sure he has other exes he can and will email and probably unbeknownst to his wife.
I'm going to sort of disagree with most people here. You know him better than we do. Is he being insincere? Is this letter written out of boredom? Is he trying to hook up? That could be entirely true.
As someone who has been in _his_ shoes (though I didn't leave anyone at the altar - just a routine break-up gone wrong), I can tell you that caring about someone so much that you considered marrying them can be pretty influential in your life. And just b/c you're not romantically together or interested does not mean you can't or don't care about each other and each other's welfare.
There is a small chance that he is writing you b/c he does care about you as a person and wonders about your welfare/wellbeing.
Now, that being said, if you think he's a total creepazoid and would never forgive him, then don't write back. That sends a message loud and clear. If you're not ready for a friendship or casual acquaintance, that's fine, too. I'm just saying that I wouldn't automatically chalk up the email to some untoward intentions.
And even if he has good intentions, you don't owe the guy a dang thing. But it's just something to think about.
Definitely delete his mail or block his addy. He sounds like he has a lot of time on his hands..Is he still married? Simply ignore it and he hopefully won't come back!! The nerve of some people....He practically left you at the altar....
I find it ironic how many people are so quick to condem this man with only couple sentences about him. There are two sides to every story.
Having been one of those folks deployed you experience things that make you look at your life and really appreciate the world and the people in it. He may want to apologize for what he did because he genuinly feels bad. You dont know. When bombs are flying and hitting 10 feet from your door, you have a way if reflecting on your life and the mistakes you've made.
Point being, does it make you a better person to be an a$$ to him as well? Your choice just remember life is short and NONE of us is perfect. I'm sure you have some regrets about your life too.
The current "side" to the story is that a married man is writing his ex-fiance out of the blue now that he is re-deployed. That right there is enough to set off the warning bells in my head. He also went within 4-5months from being nearly married to one woman to completely married to another...again, huge warning bells.
The fact that he is stressed, lonely or whatever really doesn't excuse the fact that he is currently jerking her chain again and being unfair to his wife in the process.
The fact that his email to her sure didn't sound like an apology seems to be lost on you?
First, there was nothing in his e-mail that sounded like an apology, it was more like, I hope enough time has passed for you to get over whatever you needed to get over so we can be friends and you can relieve my boredom while I'm deployed.
I think in some way he does care about me, but it only makes me hurt more to hear from him. It's too hard on me after what he did.
As far as I know, he's still married but from what I hear from others the marriage isn't perfect. For example, he was assigned to Europe for the past year and a half and instead of going to Europe with him, his wife chose to stay at her job in the States. They haven't lived together in a year and a half and now he's deployed. I'm also given the impression that she doesn't like kids, and he has two awesome boys. Just seems weird to me, but hey, it's not my marriage so I don't dwell on it.
I ended up going against most of the advice and wrote him back. I kept it short and basically said please do not write to me again, there's no need, if you need friendship then write to your wife or your other friends, not to me.
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