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Really REALLY need advice. Sorry about the length of this post but I have to explain the whole background.
Been married 14 years, have 1 teenage child. In he early days of our marriage my husband used to advertise himself as a male escort. He actually did get one or two assignments, one of which was a regular thing. I did know about these. I WASN'T happy about it, but I had been divorced once already and wanted to try to make this marriage work. Also in the early days we were so desperately short of money, I sort of uneasily went along with it. It did obviously affect our marriage. I was very resentful at sharing him, wondered if he was ever comparing me to these other women and mostly hated the fact that despite my hating him doing it, he did it anyway.
We moved to another town about 5 years ago and he promised me faithfully that he had stopped. (He would place multiple ads on classified websites, message boards and adult worker websites.) But on a couple of occasions during these 5 years I caught him on sites like Faceparty, Adult Friendfinder etc and came across his ads on the web. Each time I confronted him he took his profiles off and again, promised me faithfully he would leave it alone. But always said it was purely because we needed the money and it never 'meant anything' to him. Last time I told him that if he EVER did it again it would be the end of us.
Anyway, time passed - we are both now pushing 50. As we all do, he was getting older, filling out, losing more hair and of course not as attractive as he was in his 30s. We moved house recently so have a very small nest egg in equity from previous property. The car is paid for, he is working in an good job for the local authority and I have my own small business which is ticking along nicely. (We do have an 80k mortgage on current property) You would think that everything would be hunky dory?
This week I found MULTIPLE ads of his on the Internet and one particularly graphic and gratuitous profile on an adult work site. There are images of him (full erection) plus several of women - er - doing something to him, and it DOES look like him, or his, in these shots too. The whole profile is disgusting and it states what he will do and can do (for you) along with lots of 'testimonials' from happy customers! These are very graphic and disgusting too. I felt physically sick when I saw it all and was particularly concerned that he says he will do you 'bareback' which I imagine means without protection. This of course, has terrible implications for me if he HAS been with anybody without using a condom.
Anyway .....
This last week I have been trying to act normal although I am absolutely SEETHING inside. I am trying to work out what to do. I have quite a lot on business wise so have beeen trying to busy myself with this. However I am extremely angry at him (and angry at myself for letting him off in the past, for whatever reason.) A couple of days ago when I had managed to calm down, I registered at the site and contacted him posing as a punter. He exchanged emails with me immediately and requires me to meet him for casual sex. (For which I will have to pay) HA!
It is now make or break. Do I arrange to meet him and see if he goes through with it? What then? If he makes some sort of story up to go out and meet 'this person' I will know he's serious about going through with it - I know he's done it in the past. Where does that leave our marriage? I'm completely torn.
Half of me says leave him, as he is quite a bad tempered and impatient man anyway and can be extremely difficult to live with sometimes (although he always says it's ME that makes him like it!) The other half says what about our daughter who is at a very impressionable age. We're also tied into a 3 year deal on the mortgage so we would lose a packet if we paid it off (for any reason.) In the past during rows he's always said that he would 'fight me' if I ever tried to divorce him, which would probably use up the couple of thousand we have left in solicitors fees. Also would I be able to get accomodation anywhere being self employed - certainly wouldn't be able to afford to buy another property?
Or do I just leave things and let him do as he likes. I have a roof over my head, a nice house and use of a car. It's not easy chucking everything at nearly 50 ....
We rarely sleep together these days anyway. The daft thing is he doesn't have the inclination with me, but he obviously has this very RICH fantasy, or virtual online existance which I am no part of. If I leave stuff as it is 'nothing's spoiling' and I certainly don't want to get involved with any other men again at my age. So I'm in a real quandry at what to do. If I arrange to meet him as this other person and he goes, what then? Do I confront him, cause trouble again? In a funny way I feel sorry for him. My life at 48 seems to be so full and vibrant, but his is, well, just seedy by the looks of it.
ANY advice would be gratefully recieved. It's complicated I know.
I wouldn't bother with going to meet him as someone else. He'll just pretend he knew it was you all along.
Sounds to me like you need to decide what you want to do, then talk to him about it. This is what he does. He's not going to change. That should be clear by now, right? So if you're okay with living with a ***** (Note to mods: really? I can't use a slang word for "prostitute" that begins with a "w" and is heard on tv/radio everyday? - what are we, children? ) and that sounds like a better life than leaving him and starting over, by all means keep on keepin' on. I do however, recommend that you don't ever have unprotected sex with him -- and if you haven't already, it would probably be a good idea to get yourself tested for STD's.
I do however, recommend that you don't ever have unprotected sex with him -- and if you haven't already, it would probably be a good idea to get yourself tested for STD's.
Agree ... If he is having unprotected sex, you are no longer only sleeping with your husband, but the females he slept with and the males that they slept with etc ... VERY scary situation! Also think about your teenage daughter in this situation ... whether she knows or caught on about it and the strain of living with and being exposed to an unhappy and unhealthy marriage/relationship. Even at your age, moving on and getting back in the dating scene isn't unheard of ... I have a close relative that has been through 2 divorces now and got back in the dating scene and found someone and have since both been very happy! They are about the same age as you are and met at their children's sport functions. And we all get along great. Wishing you the best of luck!
Madge - As others have said, it's time to get out of the marriage, at least IMO. He's lied and cheated for years. You said he's bad-tempered and blaming you for making him that way. This is not a healthy situation for you or your daughter. It's not you who is to blame and if your daughter is witnessing him saying it's your fault, that isn't good either.
I left my ex when I was pushing 50 - it wasn't easy by any means and I had some rough patches, but the benefits of leaving far outweighed staying with a cheater, liar, bad-tempered person.
If you want a hollow, unfulfilling relationship, by all means stay with him. What concerns me most in this is your daughter. If your husband is willing to sell himself for sex, why would he hesitate to involve your daughter, especially as she matures? I'd get out as soon as possible, run far and fast, and not look back. God knows that money isn't everything, and your "security" is a house of cards that could fold at any moment. What he's doing is illegal. If he gets caught, he'll probably go to jail. Have you thought about what that would do to your daughter?
If you've lived in denial of this man's true nature for so long, there may be more going on than you're aware of. Maybe a long talk with your daughter is overdue.
Here's the bottom line: Do you have any respect for yourself? Are YOU worth something to your own self?
I don't care if this will be your second divorce or your 50th. You can't do anything about the past, you only have the present. You have a limited time on earth as we all do. If you value yourself as a human being who deserves to live in peace and happiness, you will get out of this mess ASAP.
I think that what your husband is doing is sick, I think that he's taking advantage of you and your marriage. Open your eyes and observe what is really going on vs. what you've conditioned yourself to believe so that you don't feel the pain as badly.
And as far as "rebuilding" at your age; who cares? You can do it! People re-build their life all the time. Things happen to people that they have no control over and they deal with it. You have control over this situation. You should have got out from the very first time that he was selling sex to others. Since you didn't, you are where you're at now with him. If you stay on the same path, nothing will change. If you WANT change, you'll make the changes that you already know you need to make. That's what you're seething about. You should be angry with yourself for putting up with this horse's behind. If you want to remain a doormat and waste your life with a man that sells sex to others while being married to you, that's your choice too; I hope that you don't keep making that choice though. I hope that you don't make the decision to stay with him and keep lying to yourself that everything's okay, that you have some sort of stability, like house, etc. If you keep this up, you're going to manifest some sort of sickness in your own body, spirit, etc., and you will poison yourself because of the toxicity that's in your marriage.
If something happens to you, your child is not going to have a mother; please, please, please think about that! That's not even taking into consideration that every time your husband has sold sex either in the past, present, or future, it opens you up to any number of STD's or even fatal diseases. You deserve to live a long, happy, healthy life and your daughter needs to have you around for her when she has graduates, goes to college, has children. Please do not cheat the two of you because of one man who has made the decision to be who he is and what he is.
Finally, don't use your "business" (I have a lot of business work to tend to) as an excuse for not dealing with this situatin. That's an excuse. PLEASE consult with an attorney and get going on this. Find out how the assets will be divided if you should choose divorce. No woman should EVER have to put up with something like this because she "needs" someone either emotionally or financially.
Bottom line, the faster that you get out of this abusive situation, the sooner you'll be able to move forward and hopefully (through time) meet someone that is worthy of YOU. Please, you are worth more than you've been giving yourself credit for. Please don't shy away from this and go back living a life of illusion, one that you're trying so hard to convince yourself that it's normal. It's not. Please know that you have the courage and strength in you to do what's right for you and what serves you. For once in your life, put yourself first. You are worth it. If you can't do this for yourself right now, for the love of all that is good, DO IT FOR YOUR DAUGHTER! Please know that you can do this.
I hate to say this but the internet isnt the only place where you see a lot of ads from married people just looking for 'casual encounters'.
Unfortunately theres only one solution that works: Divorce. Once a cheater, he/she will do it again and again, no matter what they tell you.
Go and see a lawyer. Get as much proof and info on what he is doing as you can lay your hands on.
Make a detailed list of dates and instances where he has done this before and admitted it to you. The lawyer will want you to do all this anyway.
Get a computer expert to check his/your computer out for the things he has been downloading.
Basically, arm yourself.
He sounds like he would not hesitate to fight dirty, so be prepared. Then see what the lawyer says about your position and where you stand financially.
If you decide - having weighed up the advice and the finances - to stay, then you will have done so in full knowledge of the facts.
But don't waste another moment thinking 'it might be OK' - it might not.
best wishes
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) and that sounds like a better life than leaving him and starting over, by all means keep on keepin' on. I do however, recommend that you don't ever have unprotected sex with him -- and if you haven't already, it would probably be a good idea to get yourself tested for STD's.
VERY scary situation! Also think about your teenage daughter in this situation ... whether she knows or caught on about it and the strain of living with and being exposed to an unhappy and unhealthy marriage/relationship. Even at your age, moving on and getting back in the dating scene isn't unheard of ... I have a close relative that has been through 2 divorces now and got back in the dating scene and found someone and have since both been very happy! They are about the same age as you are and met at their children's sport functions. And we all get along great. 
Wishing you the best of luck!
