Why won't he treat me like an adult? (marriage, girls, love)
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I guess this is a spin-off from the curfew thread. It made me think of this issue I have with my husband. First of all, there are no trust issues in our marriage and we have been married over 10 years. We are both homebodies and we rarely go out without each other.
However, if I do get an invitation to go out; movie with the girls, get a drink after work, etc - it becomes a BIG deal with him. I'm not that way with him at all. If he goes out, I'm like "whatever - see ya".
But when I make plans, he agrees that he is okay with me going out, then he starts pouting. He makes this ridiculously childish pouty face and says, "I can't believe you are leaving me tonight!" He will do a few more times throughout the week (I always give him advance notice - to be polite), and then he will pout again just before I leave. The only word I can think of that accurately describes he behavior is that he frets. He will say, "What time will you be home? You won't stay out late, will you? Please hurry back as soon as you can. I will miss you!!!"
When I confront him about it, he will back off and say that he is just teasing, but he does this every time. If I tell him that it makes me uncomfortable, he apologizes, but the next time, it starts all over again. I really only go out without him about 3-4 times a year, seriously. But every time I have to put up with this silly routine. Sometimes I turn down invitations because I just don't want the hassle.
By the way, I never stay out late, always tell him where I will be, who I will be with, am available on my cell the whole time. After all these years of marriage, with no trust issues or anything, I just can't understand why he is like this. I thought it would fade with time, but it hasn't.
Help! Has anyone else dealt with this? Am I overreacting? I guess I could be flattered by his behavior and consider myself lucky that he really wants to be with me so much, especially after all these years. But honestly, sometimes it feels like I'm suffocating.
I'm sorry that your husband treats you that way. None of the men in my life have ever minded my nights out with my other friends. And I encourage them to go out and do things with their friends without me. I would feel smothered also if treated as your husband was treating you. Since it you don't have kids, what about getting him a dog to keep him company? I don't think it healthy that he gives you all of his affection and attention like this.
Go out and have a good time. Don't be intimidated. Usually, the guy is jealous and thinks he's going to lose you... in a way, it's his way of saying how much he needs you.
It sounds like he's being very needy. And if you've explicitly stated that this bothers you and he continues doing it, he's not a good listener or not good at following through. I'm sorry and don't know what to say, but I would suggest not giving into him.
Go out and have a good time. Don't be intimidated. Usually, the guy is jealous and thinks he's going to lose you... in a way, it's his way of saying how much he needs you.
This is what I thought in the beginning. But after all this time?
I guess this is a spin-off from the curfew thread. It made me think of this issue I have with my husband. First of all, there are no trust issues in our marriage and we have been married over 10 years. We are both homebodies and we rarely go out without each other.
However, if I do get an invitation to go out; movie with the girls, get a drink after work, etc - it becomes a BIG deal with him. I'm not that way with him at all. If he goes out, I'm like "whatever - see ya".
But when I make plans, he agrees that he is okay with me going out, then he starts pouting. He makes this ridiculously childish pouty face and says, "I can't believe you are leaving me tonight!" He will do a few more times throughout the week (I always give him advance notice - to be polite), and then he will pout again just before I leave. The only word I can think of that accurately describes he behavior is that he frets. He will say, "What time will you be home? You won't stay out late, will you? Please hurry back as soon as you can. I will miss you!!!"
When I confront him about it, he will back off and say that he is just teasing, but he does this every time. If I tell him that it makes me uncomfortable, he apologizes, but the next time, it starts all over again. I really only go out without him about 3-4 times a year, seriously. But every time I have to put up with this silly routine. Sometimes I turn down invitations because I just don't want the hassle.
Help! Has anyone else dealt with this? Am I overreacting? I guess I could be flattered by his behavior and consider myself lucky that he really wants to be with me so much, especially after all these years. But honestly, sometimes it feels like I'm suffocating.
I've dealt with this, and I have to say: you're creating a monster. When you say that you turn down invitations because you don't want the hassle of dealing with his petulant behavior, you're just proving to him that he can manipulate you. And that's what he's doing. He's manipulating and controlling you.
I really think you're wrong when you say that you guys have no trust issues in your marriage. It seems to me that your husband DOES have some kind of trust issue. I'm not saying he thinks you're going to cheat on him, but he distrusts something. And honestly...it probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He's got something going on inside of himself and rather than face it and deal with it, he projects it onto you with this controlling, manipulative stuff. If you react -- realistically! -- to his pouting, he gets defensive, says he's only joking, kisses up to you with "I miss you!" and then puts you in the position of feeling like you have to handle him with kid gloves.
He strikes me as being immature and lacking confidence. You're not his mother, and you shouldn't have to stay home and hold his hand in order for him to be entertained. (Please don't consider yourself flattered by his behavior. If you left to hang out with your friends and then came home and he greeted you at the door with: "God, baby, I'm so glad you're back; lets go upstairs so I can show you what thinking about you while you've been gone has done to me..." Well, THEN I suppose you could feel flattered.)
I've dealt with this, and I have to say: you're creating a monster. When you say that you turn down invitations because you don't want the hassle of dealing with his petulant behavior, you're just proving to him that he can manipulate you. And that's what he's doing. He's manipulating and controlling you.
I really think you're wrong when you say that you guys have no trust issues in your marriage. It seems to me that your husband DOES have some kind of trust issue. I'm not saying he thinks you're going to cheat on him, but he distrusts something. And honestly...it probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He's got something going on inside of himself and rather than face it and deal with it, he projects it onto you with this controlling, manipulative stuff. If you react -- realistically! -- to his pouting, he gets defensive, says he's only joking, kisses up to you with "I miss you!" and then puts you in the position of feeling like you have to handle him with kid gloves.
He strikes me as being immature and lacking confidence. You're not his mother, and you shouldn't have to stay home and hold his hand in order for him to be entertained. (Please don't consider yourself flattered by his behavior. If you left to hang out with your friends and then came home and he greeted you at the door with: "God, baby, I'm so glad you're back; lets go upstairs so I can show you what thinking about you while you've been gone has done to me..." Well, THEN I suppose you could feel flattered.)
I agree with this 100%. This is not a good thing, don't be flattered.
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