Quote:
Originally Posted by BLAZER PROPHET
I'm a firm believer in following one's consciense. If you feel the need to apologize, then do so.
However, when I apologize, I do not want nor solicit a response. I make my apologies and go so it's understood there are no strings attached or other motives.
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QFT. Apologizing is important when you make a mistake. At the same time, the purpose of making an apology is to apologize, not to receive forgiveness. Sure, its fine to hope that's how things turn out, but one shouldn't *expect* it, particularly if the mistake was egregious. If its a good friend, forgiveness will likely come, but it may take time.
Some thoughts:
1) Apologize as soon as possible after you make the mistake. The longer you wait, the more it appears you are regretting the *effects* of your mistake, than the mistake itself. E.g., if you wait for 3 weeks to apologize, it looks like you miss the person you hurt and are trying to "patch things up" as opposed to really regretting what you did to hurt them.
2) At the same time, don't apologize until you've come to terms with the fact you are wrong. In other words, if you don't think you should apologize, its probably too soon to do so. But try to detach yourself from your pride in these situations and look at it from the other person's point of view - this may help you to realize you were wrong. Admitting we are wrong to ourselves is sometimes hard to do, but is necessary.
3) An apology isn't a time to make excuses. In my mind, it shouldn't be a lengthy dissertation on why you did what you did. Generally, discussing the why tends to come across as an attempt to minimize your responsibility (and in most cases that IS exactly whats going on). An apology should be short, sweet, and to the point. THEN, if the person at some point WANTS to discuss the why with you, that's fine, but the initial apology is, again, to apologize, not to try to extricate yourself from responsibility.
4) Don't apologize by e-mail or text message. Both of these are cheesy approaches, because they insulate you from your friend's response. You can apologize, without taking the pain that goes with it. So pick another method. In person is always good, phone is generally fine. Other methods depend on your friends. In my circle of friends, we talk on IM like most people do the phone, so that's a good way to go about it. In other friend groups though, IM may not be so acceptable. Judgment call. The only exception to this is if for some reason the other party PREFERS you apologize by e-mail. I've had that happen before - if that's the case, by all means, use it.
Example:
A while back I sent an e-mail to my best bud that I shouldn't have. My apology was basically:
"Looking back I should not have written that e-mail. It was rude, condescending, and inappropriate. I f***ed up, I'm sorry, and I'll do my best to keep it from happening again."
That's it. No excuses, no pleas for "forgive me now," and so on.
Anyway, sorry for the lengthy discussion. Maybe this will be useful to people though. Oh, and a PS - if you are someone who won't apologize, or only apologizes expecting to be immediately forgiven, I wish you luck on developing and keeping any close friendships or relationships. Because we ALL screw up!
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