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Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Is there any hope for a committment phobe? I'm so bad I don't even want to buy another house because I don't want to weigh anchor. I never used to be like this til my divorce 13 years ago.
I dated a guy who wasn't sure he wanted to get married. His parents divorced when he was small, he was raised by his mother, and literally all his living relatives were divorced. We dated for nearly six years, and he did ask me to marry him after two. As time wore on, though, I knew he wasn't sure whether marriage was for him. We got along well, but we grew apart, and we finally broke up.
He and I kept in touch over the years. He dated different girls for a year or two. I fixed him up with a friend from work, and they dated for four years. They even bought a condo together. He had always been kind of wishy-washy about getting married--not saying "no" outright like some people on here, just not being really enthusiastic about it. He always had a long-term girlfriend, so he wasn't a terminal bachelor, just not sure whether he wanted to get hitched. I really thought he and the girl I knew would be great for one another, but I think she got tired of waiting for him to make up his mind. When they broke up, I figured the answer was clear and he'd never marry.
He really surprised me last year. He met someone and just fell for her, hard. They were engaged and married within a year, I think, and he seems crazy about her. She's as wishy-wshy about kids as he was about getting married, so I think that helps. When he and I were together, we were pretty young (16 to 21), so I didn't put much pressure on him. My friend might have, though ... that old biological clock and all.
I do believe there's hope out there for commitmentphobes, at least the ones who don't take a hardline approach to some things: people who say NO, I'm NOT doing that are probably not going to come around. But the undecided can be galvanized into action if they meet the right person.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,010,901 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia
I dated a guy who wasn't sure he wanted to get married. His parents divorced when he was small, he was raised by his mother, and literally all his living relatives were divorced. We dated for nearly six years, and he did ask me to marry him after two. As time wore on, though, I knew he wasn't sure whether marriage was for him. We got along well, but we grew apart, and we finally broke up.
He and I kept in touch over the years. He dated different girls for a year or two. I fixed him up with a friend from work, and they dated for four years. They even bought a condo together. He had always been kind of wishy-washy about getting married--not saying "no" outright like some people on here, just not being really enthusiastic about it. He always had a long-term girlfriend, so he wasn't a terminal bachelor, just not sure whether he wanted to get hitched. I really thought he and the girl I knew would be great for one another, but I think she got tired of waiting for him to make up his mind. When they broke up, I figured the answer was clear and he'd never marry.
He really surprised me last year. He met someone and just fell for her, hard. They were engaged and married within a year, I think, and he seems crazy about her. She's as wishy-wshy about kids as he was about getting married, so I think that helps. When he and I were together, we were pretty young (16 to 21), so I didn't put much pressure on him. My friend might have, though ... that old biological clock and all.
I do believe there's hope out there for commitmentphobes, at least the ones who don't take a hardline approach to some things: people who say NO, I'm NOT doing that are probably not going to come around. But the undecided can be galvanized into action if they meet the right person.
I guess that's really the bottom line--the bolded. But I keep saying No, never again, too. Thanks for sharing that.
Not sure if you're talking about committing to a relationship, or committing to buying a house!
Don't push or pressure yourself into anything that feels uncomfortable, whether that is being in a relationship or buying a house.
If you have a hankering for freedom, and weighing anchor feels like having a block of cement tied to your ankle, then allow yourself to just be not tied down. I owned a house for decades and then it began feeling like a block of cement on my back weighing me down, and it felt bold to do it, but I got rid of the house so I could do the things I always wanted to do: travel, move and live different places, change entirely my line of work. I have never felt more free, more happy, more excited about living life.
Trust your gut, trust your instincts, trust your intuition. If you feel restless and want to wander, do it. If you don't feel like being weighed down (the anchor phrase you use in the opening post sounds like a ton of bricks!) then give yourself the gift of self-acceptance that it's just plain OK to be who and where you are.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,010,901 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by DimSumRaja
Not sure if you're talking about committing to a relationship, or committing to buying a house!
Don't push or pressure yourself into anything that feels uncomfortable, whether that is being in a relationship or buying a house.
If you have a hankering for freedom, and weighing anchor feels like having a block of cement tied to your ankle, then allow yourself to just be not tied down. I owned a house for decades and then it began feeling like a block of cement on my back weighing me down, and it felt bold to do it, but I got rid of the house so I could do the things I always wanted to do: travel, move and live different places, change entirely my line of work. I have never felt more free, more happy, more excited about living life.
Trust your gut, trust your instincts, trust your intuition. If you feel restless and want to wander, do it. If you don't feel like being weighed down (the anchor phrase you use in the opening post sounds like a ton of bricks!) then give yourself the gift of self-acceptance that it's just plain OK to be who and where you are.
That's some great, common sense advice. My daughter calls me a commitment-phobe so I've been trying to tame it a little. And I'm talking about commitment to just about anything. I have this wander lust that just drives me crazy sometimes so I try to suppress it. Thanks for the response.
And I'm talking about commitment to just about anything. I have this wander lust that just drives me crazy sometimes so I try to suppress it. Thanks for the response.
whatever is showing up on the radar, is really valuable information to pay attention to. The voice of your intuition, of your gut, is how your Higher Self communicates with you, it is the voice of your soul, of your deepest heart's desires.
so sit down and have a conversation with the wander lust, get a sense of what it is trying to tell you, show you, what the feelings associated with it are, the resentments, whatever. Someone told me to always "Pay attention to what is on the 'periphery' of my awareness" because that is the compass of my heart seeking to get my attention
have fun with it, see it as fun and for free, it doesn't cost anything, it doesn't hurt anyone, and is a wonderful tool for getting to know yourself better. Another helpful question to explore, is "What is this asking of me? If I go with this, what would it ask me to do in my life? Who would I have to be to make this happen?"
as for me, i gotta ask, why try to suppress the wander lust? What message is it trying to deliver? What is it telling you? What is it asking of you? What part of yourself answers it? What is the part of you that gets really excited about going with it? And what is the part of you that suppresses it, that poo-poos it? Listen to all those voices and hear what they are saying, and the feelings associated with each of them.
and of course the companion questions are with any big life change, "What have I always wanted to do?" "What have I always dreamed of doing?" Have fun! Best wishes!
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,010,901 times
Reputation: 9418
Very poignant questions to ponder. I'm really going have to dig deep to answer most. All I know is I want to gogogo but I don't know why or where. Just keep moving. I'll give these questions some serious thought. I do know one thing, even the thought of being able to tame my restlessness--or whatever it is--makes me cringe. I'd like to be able to pull it off--just disappear by myself for however long I want to. I tame it for family. Maybe it's my upbringing. My dad had terrible wander lust. We moved at least once a year, sometimes twice--Alaska to California and back again, my whole childhood. Everyone hated it. I neither hated nor liked it.
Even making lists with things like "What would I do if I had a whole year to myself?" "If money were not an issue, what would I like to spend the next 3 years doing?" "If I could live anywhere in the USA where would I live?" "If I could live anywhere in the world, where would I live?"
Think of the dialogue as an interview, or conversation with some really interesting person you just met, or a fascinating friend you haven't seen in a while and you are catching up with her (or him). Think of the person as someone in a book you are reading about, how would she answer your questions. Don't think of it as you at all, or even as a part of you. The goal is to just go wild and brainstorm and allow yourself to imagine anything, anywhere.
And pay attention to the voices that are "nay-sayers" too, and what they say, write down those too, because what you avoid or ignore, comes back with friends. Write down the "you're too old" or "you'd only fail" or "what's the point of that" or "what would your kids think" or "what a waste of time" or "who are you to think you could do that" any other voices of criticism that try to cut you off or stamp you down or crush your enthusiasm.
It doesn't mean you have to run off to Tibet and live in a cave (actually that is on my list) no one is going to make you do anything, or go anywhere, until or unless you are ready. You have choice 100% of the time, in 100% of the decisions. It is your life.
Oooooh i get excited on your behalf just thinking about it! Hang on for a wild fun joy-filled life, this is YOUR LIFE!!!!!
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,010,901 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by DimSumRaja
This is good stuff and exciting to explore.
Even making lists with things like "What would I do if I had a whole year to myself?" "If money were not an issue, what would I like to spend the next 3 years doing?" "If I could live anywhere in the USA where would I live?" "If I could live anywhere in the world, where would I live?"
Think of the dialogue as an interview, or conversation with some really interesting person you just met, or a fascinating friend you haven't seen in a while and you are catching up with her (or him). Think of the person as someone in a book you are reading about, how would she answer your questions. Don't think of it as you at all, or even as a part of you. The goal is to just go wild and brainstorm and allow yourself to imagine anything, anywhere.
And pay attention to the voices that are "nay-sayers" too, and what they say, write down those too, because what you avoid or ignore, comes back with friends. Write down the "you're too old" or "you'd only fail" or "what's the point of that" or "what would your kids think" or "what a waste of time" or "who are you to think you could do that" any other voices of criticism that try to cut you off or stamp you down or crush your enthusiasm.
It doesn't mean you have to run off to Tibet and live in a cave (actually that is on my list) no one is going to make you do anything, or go anywhere, until or unless you are ready. You have choice 100% of the time, in 100% of the decisions. It is your life.
Oooooh i get excited on your behalf just thinking about it! Hang on for a wild fun joy-filled life, this is YOUR LIFE!!!!!
Ah! Now I see why you have all the right questions, you've been there. You've got great questions but great answers too. Thank you. I don't feel so guilty about it now. I stuff it because it makes me feel selfish to consider carrying any of it out. I like the way you think.
Ah! Now I see why you have all the right questions, you've been there. You've got great questions but great answers too. Thank you. I don't feel so guilty about it now. I stuff it because it makes me feel selfish to consider carrying any of it out. I like the way you think.
I don't know why you would feel guilty about it. It's your life and it's the only one.
I didn't want to go to my grave living an uninteresting life and I think I have done pretty decent so far. After college I lived in a ski town for eight years and now I have a "dream" job and travel and work all over with cool people. I've got a lot planned for the future. When people say they are "bored" I always roll my eyes because I always have plenty to do.
I lived in probably 30 places before I was 30 years old. Now I am trying to get a small house to base myself out of. I was worried if my overseas plans took off it'd mess that up having a house, but I realize I can rent it or sell it if those plans did happen.
I say as long as you meet whatever responsibilities you have taken on in life, perhaps things like child support or paying a car payment or whatever, then live a little. Set a goal and go and accomplish it.
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