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Yes, we were close to divorce. I hadn't called a lawyer yet, but I looked at apartments with friends and was figuring out a budget the kids and I could live on. I had told him I was going to leave when I figured things out, but I don't think he believed me at first. One day, an apartment complex called the house to tell me a place had opened up. I think that's when it all clicked for him. To my surprise, he asked me what was going on, and I repeated that I couldn't continue to live as we had been and was leaving him. I had no more anger, no more feelings ... I was just tired.
My husband's problem was video games, believe it or not. We went through some rough financial times, had a disabled daughter and struggled with some family trouble for a few years. He was miserable and withdrew into an online game where he was rich and powerful and had a ton of friends. He'd play it for hours and hours whenever he got the chance. He was a very unpleasant person when he played it. I resented the heck out of that game and came to hate everything about it. I tried joining him for a while, but the kids needed at least one parent. I don't want to make myself look like a patient martyr, because I wasn't. I was bitter and resentful. I woke up angry and had no energy to try to help him anymore. He'd quit the game but after a while, start sneaking around to play it again. For anyone who hasn't dealt with this kind of addiction, it might sound childish, because it's a video game! For us, it was very real.
We moved and he finally got a job that paid well. Our money troubles were one of the main reasons for his depression, if not the main reason. His parents are materialistic and drilled into him from a young age that people who didn't make X amount of money, or have Y and Z, were losers. He felt like a loser and nothing I could do or say would help, so eventually I quit trying. He had promised to quit playing the game (again) when we moved, but he started sneaking around and lying to me again, so I told him I was done and started preparing to leave. There was some other stuff too, but this is the short story.
When he realized I was going, he asked me to take a drive with him. A friend watched the kids, and we drove to a park where we talked for hours. And that was the end of it. He uninstalled the game and cut up the disks. This was three years ago, right around our 10th anniversary. Things have gotten better and better since then, and now our marriage is really good. I honestly can't remember the last time we fought about anything.
Everybody has his or her own threshold of tolerance. My husband never laid a hand on me, and I don't think I would have put up with that. His depression did manifest in bursts of anger, though, and he threw and broke things. Some people wouldn't have put up with that, but I did.
We did try counseling but it didn't help. He didn't believe he had a problem then and so didn't want to hear anything I had to say. The sessions were $80 a pop, which we couldn't afford, so we quit going. All of the progress we've made, we did on our own.
Yes, we were close to divorce. I hadn't called a lawyer yet, but I looked at apartments with friends and was figuring out a budget the kids and I could live on. I had told him I was going to leave when I figured things out, but I don't think he believed me at first. One day, an apartment complex called the house to tell me a place had opened up. I think that's when it all clicked for him. To my surprise, he asked me what was going on, and I repeated that I couldn't continue to live as we had been and was leaving him. I had no more anger, no more feelings ... I was just tired.
My husband's problem was video games, believe it or not. We went through some rough financial times, had a disabled daughter and struggled with some family trouble for a few years. He was miserable and withdrew into an online game where he was rich and powerful and had a ton of friends. He'd play it for hours and hours whenever he got the chance. He was a very unpleasant person when he played it. I resented the heck out of that game and came to hate everything about it. I tried joining him for a while, but the kids needed at least one parent. I don't want to make myself look like a patient martyr, because I wasn't. I was bitter and resentful. I woke up angry and had no energy to try to help him anymore. He'd quit the game but after a while, start sneaking around to play it again. For anyone who hasn't dealt with this kind of addiction, it might sound childish, because it's a video game! For us, it was very real.
We moved and he finally got a job that paid well. Our money troubles were one of the main reasons for his depression, if not the main reason. His parents are materialistic and drilled into him from a young age that people who didn't make X amount of money, or have Y and Z, were losers. He felt like a loser and nothing I could do or say would help, so eventually I quit trying. He had promised to quit playing the game (again) when we moved, but he started sneaking around and lying to me again, so I told him I was done and started preparing to leave. There was some other stuff too, but this is the short story.
When he realized I was going, he asked me to take a drive with him. A friend watched the kids, and we drove to a park where we talked for hours. And that was the end of it. He uninstalled the game and cut up the disks. This was three years ago, right around our 10th anniversary. Things have gotten better and better since then, and now our marriage is really good. I honestly can't remember the last time we fought about anything.
Everybody has his or her own threshold of tolerance. My husband never laid a hand on me, and I don't think I would have put up with that. His depression did manifest in bursts of anger, though, and he threw and broke things. Some people wouldn't have put up with that, but I did.
We did try counseling but it didn't help. He didn't believe he had a problem then and so didn't want to hear anything I had to say. The sessions were $80 a pop, which we couldn't afford, so we quit going. All of the progress we've made, we did on our own.
I am glad things worked out for you.
I wouldnt have put up with that video game stuff either.
I am glad you were able to get him to see what he was doing, and that he went on to get a good job. I do not expect that here. In my case, I know he is old and the career train has pulled into the station for good.
To me, starting a new relationship is more of risk
Than staying in a old one at least no more surprise
If I was healthy, I know I would not be here. That bugs me sometimes. Because of my bad health and it affects appearance, having a new relationship is not going to happen. I have a severe new illness as well. Its like a bad choice.
I see him as a friend, but I am not in love with him anymore. Maybe we both are just biding time. I dont see much hope in future. He has personality disorder where one cannot reach him. He has not grown or matured in the 15 years Ive known him and that has bothered me deeply. I guess for some people who are married, this is how lifer becomes, you become more roommates then spouses.
One friend told me...this old saying, Dont get rid of the old king, you dont know what the new one will bring.
If living as 2 people on 21,000 a year is hard, and one needs the church food pantries then, what is going to be me, single and on 11,000 a year? I had to face facts the social services system is so dead, that I could not even get guarantees of things I needed to survive, like an aide to help shop in winter.
I wish I was healthier to go out and get more IRl friendships. The lonliness is a killer. Especially when you know life is just going to bring more of the same. I guess we both are making the choice to live together as roommates for economic survival. I dont think he even cares because of his personality disorder. We really are not married in the truest sense anymore. This is sad. Some of you where the person leaves you, you are better off.
Sad and its the 11th anniversary....
Last edited by WheredoIlive?; 05-09-2009 at 08:13 AM..
We did. He moved out two years ago this past March and I filed for divorce. We started working on a reconciliation in June. He moved back in in August, which turned out to be too soon and we're struggling now because of it. The marriage counselor warned, back then, about not moving too quickly but I just wanted my kids out of limbo.
I'm not sure if we'll make it or not but neither one of us wants to put the kids through a divorce. The issue that is at the heart of the matter is the fact he started seeing someone else within weeks of moving out. I'm struggling with the fact he had this affair. It's not something I can just ignore.
I dont think I could forgive an affair either. I can understand moving back in, worrying about putting kids through divorce. There are no kids here, but that i know complicates things. I would have hard time forgiving affair. Biblically if spouse cheats, one is free to remarry. It is very painful stuff.
It's the unknown poison vs. the known one. Which is worse for you?
I'm the same. I really don't want to go through the effort to start a new relationship with no idea how it works out. I know the issues in this one and, so far, they haven't been worse than starting over.
Too many people go looking for something/someone to MAKE them happy. That doesn't work. Things and other people don't make us happy. Happiness is a choice. You can choose to bloom where you are.
My husband is one of those people who thinks life will be great if we only change something. He drives me nuts. Get to where you're happy where you are before you go changing things and then don't change them because you think there will be some effect. Change them simply because you want to.
I understand.
I am going to try and be happy even while here. If only I could make more friends.
I am making a choice based in survival. Depending on the social services system for me could mean ending up in Medicaid nursing home, and I had to face facts.
At least I have a nice apt, while with him and someone to help me out. No Medicaid nursing home. These are the choices the disabled have to make everyday. if he touches me I wont tolerate that but if he was to hit me, I would just call cops file PPO and get roommate. At least I would family and other support if he left me instead of all the pressure. I still do not trust him, do not know how much is an act. The personality disorder changes all the rules for me.
I wonder if he will leave, because I have an inability to have sex with people I am not in love with.
I guess maybe this reconciliation is bound for failure. Like I am living lie. I may still leave. Not knowing where to go, having no social supports made everything so much harder. The town I live in has the worse social services going, one social worker here actually told me to leave town if I divorce because "we have nothing here for you".
Save your marriage if you want to - but PLEASE, PLEASE don't blame the fact that you are still there on the Bible Contrary to the misunderstandings and misinterpretations attributed to God, he does NOT expect us to stay with abusive spouses!
The truth is, not all marriages are made in heavan - MANY marriages occur not because God brought the two together, but because people make selfish, stupid choices to be with the person THEY think they want to be with, not the person God would have chosen for them.
I am still here...
1. Couldnt decide where to go live. {this board is full of my indecision}
2. Abuse from social workers, who would tell housebound woman who cant drive more then 2 miles to go apt hunting 100 miles away.
3. The danger of ending up in Medicaid nursing home.
4. Sheer lonlieness, some companionship is better then none.
5. He will be homeless and without car, if I leave, and I am too sick to deal with the outcome.
I was failed by the social services system here massively, I saw all the women ending up homeless, denied case manager, etc. I didnt know where to even go live. I couldnt even make up mind as to what town. I waited for God to give me direction but all I got was confusion. so I figured the answers was to WAIT. Remember for the abuse he never left mark, so I never had "proof".
I prayed and prayed for months, what do I do what do I do? I got sicker and stressed out and just hit brick wall after brick wall. By the way domestic abuse shelters are a joke, they take you in and throw you out. Many are in ghetto neighborhoods where if you loaded up the car everything you brought with you would be stolen. Being disabled, they simply do not care about your needs. Even in needing families help I was under pressure by family to stay as well.
I do have serious stuff to be scared about. I found out I have very severe heart condition. It is called survival. As long as I can live in peace that is what matters. If I am going witihout food now, with his money added in, how will it be on my own, or when I cant even get groceries in middle of winter?
I want people to know sometimes people have to make hard choices. People also think the social service system offers a lot, they do not. they are all talk and no action.
I may leave when disabled housing comes up in this one town I want to live in, I feel so alone.
My ex and I tried to reconcile countless time for three years when we finally gave up. All we did was prolong the agony of the final break-up. We kept trying because neither one of us wanted to start over. We get along much better just being friends and even though part of our fear (esp me being at stay at home) was financial, we are both doing just fine. He supports himself and I support myself. Life goes on.
Are there many old lonely women in Florida? I was talking about rural areas. People used to homestead, no problem with being plunked in the middle of nowhere. Now all the riches of the world are in the cities (or so it seems). Young people leave. Older people have no company.
The OP said what I meant:
Quote:
Originally Posted by WheredoIlive?
4. Sheer lonlieness, some companionship is better then none.
Last edited by nuala; 05-09-2009 at 09:44 AM..
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Contrary to the misunderstandings and misinterpretations attributed to God, he does NOT expect us to stay with abusive spouses! 
