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Having kids of your own when on equal learning and footing is night and day by comparison.
I know of no one that assumes to know a person's intent, I make none in regard to money. It's not judgment, it's reality. How is being realistic not keeping an open mind?
I realize your simply trying to maybe discard a few stereotypes, but I've seen this compared to having a crazy aunt or the like in a family. If someone's on the fence or really likes someone, they should pursue them, but they should also keep in mind the realities of having a child in the picture from a previous relationship. They might vary degrees based on their age, how many their are, and the situation, but giving the PC tirade of being overly judgmental, or immature solely due to that preference is tiring as well.
Dating someone with kids is more complicated, no question. And people are entitled to their preferences. But many base their preferences on prejudice. They meet someone great, discover she has a kid, and immediately the alarm goes off in their head that she's looking for a daddy or someone to help pay. It's one thing to say you just can't date someone with kids cause it's too much work, because you don't want to be a stepdad to someone, etc. But why are people in such a rush to judge? This is not about being PC. It's about asking people to give you enough time to answer their questions rather than have them fill in the blanks. I knew a guy who, because of his skin color, was automatically assumed to be of a certain religion. So the girl he asked out rejected him thinking they would never be compatible. Turns out they were both Christian and had she not bought into the stereotype about people of his ethnic background, maybe things could've worked with them.
There are selfish people and selfless people. Those with the attitude that they dont want to raise "another mans child" and kids take away from sex time and spontaneity fall under selfish. Not saying it in a negative way. People want what they want. But why do you even want to consider these guys if you have kids already or want more kids in the future. These men will feel the same about their own children.
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That is judging the book by it's cover without discovering what's behind it.
Some people already know what genre they like and dont like without looking beyond the cover.
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All single mothers do not carry baggage and are quite independent.
I think you missed the part where Denny said the following:..."But I can see why most men would rather not date them. It does require a lot more work and patience. It also requires doing kid-friendly activities a lot. A lot of guys just don't want to deal with that, which I can understand".
Perhaps sometimes on a subconscious level. But I didn't miss this, this just accents it to me personally. Not kid-friendly, but your sharing your time, in most cases even the dating time with the child or children as that is the mother's primary focus, and should be. But that reality is there, along with many others depending on circumstance, when you date a primary care-giver of either sex.
See 2mare's post above for the prime example. Like I said..tiring. Because god knows you won't love kids or be selfless if you have this initial dating preference. </sarcasm>
Unbelievable...
Last edited by Waynec613; 06-08-2009 at 11:27 AM..
There are selfish people and selfless people. Those with the attitude that they dont want to raise "another mans child" and kids take away from sex time and spontaneity fall under selfish. Not saying it in a negative way. People want what they want. But why do you even want to consider these guys if you have kids already or want more kids in the future. These men will feel the same about their own children.
I wouldn't categorize people that way. Like I said above, there are legitimate reasons for not wanting to date a single mother. And just because someone chooses not to date you because you have a child doesn't automatically make him selfish. Unless the person spells it out, you can't be sure why they rejected you. Better to move on than wonder what he was thinking.
I wouldn't categorize people that way. Like I said above, there are legitimate reasons for not wanting to date a single mother. And just because someone chooses not to date you because you have a child doesn't automatically make him selfish. Unless the person spells it out, you can't be sure why they rejected you. Better to move on than wonder what he was thinking.
I agree, and people do have their reasons, and it IS a lot for most people....being as dating in and of itself is hard enough, so like I said, I understand why it's not for everyone...
Dating someone with kids is more complicated, no question. And people are entitled to their preferences. But many base their preferences on prejudice. They meet someone great, discover she has a kid, and immediately the alarm goes off in their head that she's looking for a daddy or someone to help pay. It's one thing to say you just can't date someone with kids cause it's too much work, because you don't want to be a stepdad to someone, etc. But why are people in such a rush to judge? This is not about being PC. It's about asking people to give you enough time to answer their questions rather than have them fill in the blanks. I knew a guy who, because of his skin color, was automatically assumed to be of a certain religion. So the girl he asked out rejected him thinking they would never be compatible. Turns out they were both Christian and had she not bought into the stereotype about people of his ethnic background, maybe things could've worked with them.
I think though that most people date with the hopes that it all works out and with the goal of a marriage or a long term commitment to the person that they are dating. A person having children already is much more than their skin being a different colour. It does mean that at some point in the future, that person will be some sort of mentor and financial supporter to their s/o's children. And the money aspect is an important consideration, whether that person wants to contribute by buying food, clothing and presents for those children, or even contributing to their college funds. Or indirectly, it will mean that their partner will not be able to pay an equal share towards their own couple projects. Dating a single parent does mean less quality private time and that person having less money to do couple things with.
It's really a rare situation where a single parent has enough of their own money that their future s/o doesn't have to contribute in any way to the raising of those kids. Especially if it's a single mother. And I don't think it's selfish to not want to pay for the raising of children that aren't related by blood ties.
It's really a rare situation where a single parent has enough of their own money that their future s/o doesn't have to contribute in any way to the raising of those kids. Especially if it's a single mother. And I don't think it's selfish to not want to pay for the raising of children that aren't related by blood ties.
Its a rare situation when it comes to the stereotypical high school drop out single parent raising a few kids on welfare or minimum wage scenario that might come to many people's minds.
But its not a rare situation in the rest of the world. I know doctors, business owners, successful real estate agents...I could go on and on....who are single parents, and yes even (gasp) single mothers. These people do not need anyone's contributions.
Blood ties? Let me ask this of you...when 2 people become married are they tied by blood? No, because that would be illegal in most of the 50 states, right? Love is blind, and yes, sometimes blind to even the color of money.
I think RubberFactory said it perfectly on the post above. Children are indeed baggage and its a HUUUUUUGE difference in life for a single guy who's never dated a mom before to all of a sudden start dating someone with a kid.
I say this from experience and I had it extremely easy compared to most other guys. When I met my wife, she was a young divorced mother of a 5 year old who had joint custody of the kid. When she told me that she had a kid, I all of a sudden lost interest in trying to pursue her. But when she said that she only had him 3 days of the week and NEVER on Friday, Saturday or Sunday, I gave in to see how things would go. We could take weekend vacations, go out whenever we wanted and just had a blast.
After a few years, we got married, but she flat out knows that I would NEVER EVER EVER have considered dating her if she had the kid full time. Even to this day, her son is with us only 3 days/nights of the week but we still have our Friday and Saturdays all to ourselves. His dad is cool and does everything for his son that a dad should do, so I havent been negatively affected at all by "having to be a dad".
Bottom line is, if you are a single mom in the sense that you decided to have a child out of wedlock, and are trying to raise them alone (with no father in sight). Then yeah, you are NOT desirable to date. You are even less desirable if you dropped out of school (or failed to finish college) because of your baby. Its just how it is.
My suggestion is to find a single dad to date. You have lots in common already.
Geez Louise, DaBeez - have you never heard of Kurt Warner? Here's a link for all the folks in this thread who think they are too damn good for a 'single mom' - most likely, that single mom is too damn good for you. Children are not suitcases, btw.
As a single mom myself, I had to take down my profile on a dating site because of the overwhelming response. There is some seriously limited thinking going on in this thread.
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