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The balance comes with the reality of the situation you're in. We were virtual strangers in the acquainting phase. I've have to agree with WB that common sense pretty much sums it up.
I just posted about a guy I ran into who just about knocked me over with attraction. I had been around him a few times before, over 3 years ago at gatherings and in passing. The truth is I really don't know the guy. The chemistry is fierce, but I'm not about to assume that he is the one just because I like the way he looks and talks (and smells, and sings, and how wonderful his arms felt when he gave me a nice, tight hug......I need a cigarette), or even how he's not a complete stranger to me. It's just not logical or reasonable for someone to have such a strong attraction or attachment to someone they have never met.
And this is a huge red flag, the tendency to move too fast. These are typically controlling people who end up being abusive.
Yes you are right i agree, but even when you move slow somethimes in an online relationship it does not work either like this one particular girl i had been talking to for a couple of years online, i sent her a message one day and i suggested that it would be an excellent idea if we begun to speak on the phone and she didnt send me a message back. I found that disheartening and I gave up on her after that. Where do you go from there? Now i just send her messages when it is her birthday and at Easter and Christmas.
Yes you are right i agree, but even when you move slow somethimes in an online relationship it does not work either like this one particular girl i had been talking to for a couple of years online, i sent her a message one day and i suggested that it would be an excellent idea if we begun to speak on the phone and she didnt send me a message back. I found that disheartening and I gave up on her after that. Where do you go from there? Now i just send her messages when it is her birthday and at Easter and Christmas.
I guess there really isn't anywhere to go. If all she wants is an online buddy, and you're okay with it, sure. But if you haven't heard back from her, I'm not sure you should bother contacting her anymore. One way communication, in any form, isn't really healthy or fulfilling, IMO.
My vote: red flag. He sounds like one of the scam artists who is actually from a foreign country. There have been at least several posts about this type, search for posts about dating websites.
This is a typical new letter that I often receive--this one is from 5 states over and the man is really, really good looking and 9 years younger than me. Mmmm hmmm sure. Also, nothing is written in his profile. I never answer these.
Excellent example of postings that these scammers leave.
My vote: red flag. He sounds like one of the scam artists who is actually from a foreign country. There have been at least several posts about this type, search for posts about dating websites.
Those scam artists are everywhere nowadays. A few days ago I received a letter here on CD from a woman that wanted me to transfer 15 million dollars to my bank account, from a foreign country. As if. I heard the story before and she DMed me 2 more times within a matter of minutes. Until finally I think the mods got her. Good grief.
Also I keep getting these requests from people I dont know on my twitter account. When I look to see how many people they are "following", and I see its a high number like 78, I know they are just people that want to sell me something or scam me. I dont even answer them back or go any further than reading my e-mail they sent with the friend request.
What to do when it happens in IRL, without the online part?
Long story, but figure it's worth giving the full chronology:
About 2 weeks ago, I was working an overnight shift at the hospital (I'm a nurse and usually work nights) and had occasion to interact VERY briefly with a guy who we'll call Steve, who is a security guard for the hospital. I cracked jokes at his buddy, the other security guard, neither of whom I had met before, but the buddy was one of those super pale Irish types and had gotten a bad sunburn, so it was all silly humor. It lasted all of like 5-10 minutes, and then I went about my business. I don't actually remember if I introduced myself to Steve or the other guy; maybe I did, but don't remember, especially since I've been working a bunch lately and am tired.
A few days later, I got a message from Steve via Facebook, identifying himself as being "one of the security guards in the ER with whom you talked for like 0.5 seconds the other day, you seem really funny" and asking if I wanted to get coffee. I wrote back like 2 days later saying OK, and asking what his schedule was like, and he immediately replied and included his cell. I hadn't been able to write back by the next day, but by then he had already emailed saying "hey, those guys making you work like 48-hr shifts over there?" I texted later that night while at work and we ended up on the phone for maybe an hour, very funny guy with my same sense of humor, he's 25 (11 years younger than me), works the security thing on weekends and is starting his 2nd yr of law school. Fun conversation, lots of jokes, laughter, movie quotes, etc. We made plans for coffee a week later and since then he texts me several times a day every day, and we crack jokes and converse getting to know each other, and talked a couple more times on the phone after that. I immediately received a friend request from him on Facebook after that first phone call (which I've ignored).
Whenever I have mentioned I am scheduled to work etc., he asks about whether he can come by during my shift so I can meet him for food, and then also texts to confirm "oh you're supposed to be off tonight, right?", basically feels like he's confirming where I am all the time, even when I have mentioned I usually work a set schedule of Tues/Wed/Thurs. It can seem innocent and yet it seems excessive at the same time, and this was all without even having the coffee date yet. I recognized at the beginning of this that he tends to come on strong, but a weird feeling about this started to evolve. Right now I'm really cool with the idea of just dating a few different people and not just focusing on one person. I know I don't have to respond to any of the texts, in fact, there have been some I've just ignored, although mostly he HAS engaged me in a lot of the back-and-forth, just cause of the interesting aspect of meeting a new person that seems fun, etc. But I'm getting a vibe that this could have some potential problems.
Prior to the coffee date, I had worked 24h in a row, and I texted him at one point mentioning being exhausted, and shut off my phone. Texts still coming in, random things about "you just missed a day at the beach!" and "are you working tonight" and then 2h later "hey u." Right on the day of the coffee date, he texted multiple times and called without leaving messages, then texting asking me to call him, and it was all about when and where we were meeting, even though we had decided that a week earlier without there ever being any variation in the plan. It was apparent on the phone call that I was quite irritated at this. During the coffee date, he brought up the subject of my seeming irritated during that phone call earlier. He basically made a big mistake, because I was super tired, and I immediately let him have it, and busted out with, "the reason I seemed irritated/cranky is because you call too much. I'm tired, I just finished working several hours in a row, and we talked about this days ago, I don't see why this whole 'confirmation' thing is necessary. Besides I'm dating multiple people, not looking to be with just one person, no stress, so no reason for this." He apologized, said he wouldn't call as much, etc., and the rest of the date was OK, I guess. Walked me to my car afterwards, no kiss, just a hug goodbye. More texting later that day, basically this has become a daily thing, where there is constant contact via text. The following day, after I had gotten some more rest, I reflected on my reaction to his question and felt kind of bad for basically lashing out, so I decided to call him and tell him I felt bad for barking at him, but that I had been extremely overrun and hadn't gotten any rest, so he got me at a very bad moment, that the message was the same, but that I wanted to apologize for being mean or rude, etc. He can be entertaining, and at times since then there have been moments when I have kind of liked the attention, despite the evolving realization that this is becoming problematic.
Last week, I had actually lied to him and told him I was going away for 4th of July weekend so that he would leave me alone a bit. Next day, while he thought I was already at my friend's house, another multi-hour text conversation ensued, which I did engage in, but it felt like, "damn, he apparently doesn't take into account that I'm with friends." I made it a point to end the conversation and that I was gonna go hang with my friends. Texts keep coming in thereafter, like "hey," "hey u," "whatcha doin," etc. Msgs ignored. Following day he's quiet; I send a text to say what's up, in a chill way, nothing more beyond that. More texting the day after that, and then a phone conversation early in the week, asking me out for dinner, which we determine will be at this restaurant by the hospital and will be at 6pm. More daily/day-long text communication since. The exchanges are usually in the tone of questions inclined towards getting to know the other person, e.g., what are your likes/dislikes, etc., so it has the flavor of someone taking interest in me which has its appeal, etc.
Tonight was the date. He does the same ****ing **** with the over-confirmation, as if this dude has never been on a ****ing date before. I have told him multiple times that my work schedule is Tues/Wed/Thurs, and he's always all, "oh, I didn't know you were working tonight," etc. Grr. Three long, busy nights this week. Not much contact over the previous two days. Then today, text messages asking, "what time are we meeting?" and "where?" Again, without there ever having been any variation in the plan, and with the details having been decided quickly a few days prior. I decided not to hold back and responded with, "didnt we discuss this the other day? How come you seem to get every text I send you but then don't pay attention to the ones about when/where we meet up? Why this need for followup?" Claimed to not have gotten the text, then claimed to be confused, etc. I considered canceling the date, but decided to go.
During dinner, he's asking what plans I have for the weekend, and to me, it appears he does this in ways that are inclined towards figuring out my schedule. One text exchange a few days prior revolved around what my preference was in men's underwear ranging to my interest in a man's hands, etc., and I mention how I don't like it when men bite their nails, and then during dinner he talks about how "I'll try to stop and grow them out for you" (they don't really look super bitten but still). It's like every question he's asked about my preferences gives me the impression that he's wanting to conform to preference that *I* have. This is subtle, but it's what my instinct is telling me. I also think he's painting a picture of him being more quiet and toned-down for his age (remember he's 25), in the interest of seeming more appealing to me because I'm older.
I have frequently mentioned to him that I usually sleep till like 4pm, since I work nights, and at the end of the date, he says, "since you told me not to call you so much, I now wait until 4pm to contact you," and when I talked about how I plan to move next summer and how I had a bad experience with movers in the past, he talks about how, "well, now you have me." Yes, it seems sweet, whatever, but I'm not liking this. And the look in his eye, I swear it has a little tinge of crazy to it, now that I've spent time with him twice...
It seems that now, my task is how to get rid of this guy. I have a notion that if I just tell him we're not compatible or whatever, something along those lines, that he will NOT back down, and that I will officially have a stalker on my hands. I'm inclined towards using the excuse that I've decided to get back together with an ex or something, or focus on some other person that I'm dating, so that the threat of a guy getting pissed if he keeps calling, etc., is a viable deterrent. When I last checked my phone at the end of my night (I went salsa dancing after the date), he wrote me that he enjoyed the date and the he thinks "we connect well." Grrrrrr.
Your instincts are dead on... this guy sounds like a stalker in the making. Exiting gracefully will be a challenge. Your plan to imply reigniting a prev. relationship seems reasonable. Normally, I would say tell him the truth, but with someone who seems off....deflect and protect yourself. Maybe a pre-emptive visit to HR would be advisable, as well.
Long story, but figure it's worth giving the full chronology:
Possible psycho: possibly just a wide-eyed, young guy who's head over heels with someone older. Maybe he is lonely and needs attention, doesn't have alot of friends or people to rely on. Socially awkward type? Maybe he feels like you are his only chance?
But then, how do you know that having met in person the compliments being thrown are not out of creepiness? Why is it any different for a person to be complimentary on emails over, say, someone one just met at a bar? How do you figure latter is genuine while former is not?
Ultimately, and instead of judging people right away (in person or online), I suggest giving things more time to see the real person.
I disagree. You can learn alot about a person, after being with them in person for only a short time. Nothing wrong with forming an opinion, and making judgments about someone, after meeting them in person.
Dating 101....NEVER EVER EVER show a woman that you are interested. Showing too much interest will get you nowhere.
Dating 102. Always show a women you are interested in because if you don't she will think you are playing games like this poster....
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What to do when it happens in IRL, without the online part?
