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When it comes to personal relationships (friends, family, S/O) is it so bad that I have certain expectations for people? Not high over the top expectations, but certain standards. I tend to find myself disappointed time and time again by people and my feelings end up being hurt, but is it really my fault? I live my life and treat people the way I want to be treated, so what is so wrong with me expecting people to do the same? Maybe I should just start telling people a firm NO and not feel bad when I do.
It depends on who you ask and, really, only you know what limits are best for you. I don't see anything over the top in what you've said. Maybe you need to work on your choices in friends and you won't be disappointed so often?
@ Funnyman, when I say I expect things, I do not mean material things, it is more along the lines of just be there for me the way I am there for you. The disappointment mostly comes from knowing that people come to me every single day with something new on their plates and I will always be there with words of advice or a shoulder to lean on, but heaven forbid I need a ear or a helping hand, I am left to stand alone. How can I expect nothing from people I am always there for?
Essentially, by requiring certain standards, you are limiting the number of people you can have a relationship with. As long as the standards are meaningful and actually reflect what is required to make you happy, then you are doing the right thing.
If the standards are arbitrary or just because you have aspirations of grandeur, then you may have problems.
A silly example. Let's say you feel you need to have blue eyed children to be happy and you have blue eyes. A reasonable set of standards would be to have a partner that is able to have children and has blue eyes. An unreasonable set of standards would be a partner with blue eyes, that can have children, and that can tapdance to rap music while skiing.
You also have to decide--when considering the whole package--whether a certain trait or combination of traits is likely. In the silly example above, if you live in Nigeria, you are s**t out of luck. Not many blue eyed people. Also, if you're a man and you only want 40 year old women, also not a good combination.
@ Funnyman, when I say I expect things, I do not mean material things, it is more along the lines of just be there for me the way I am there for you. The disappointment mostly comes from knowing that people come to me every single day with something new on their plates and I will always be there with words of advice or a shoulder to lean on, but heaven forbid I need a ear or a helping hand, I am left to stand alone. How can I expect nothing from people I am always there for?
There is a choice.
Do you continue to associate with these people, assuming you can disassociate, or do you find some new people who will be there for you as you are for them?
Of course you can still be totally selfless towards the original people, and just meet someone new who can have your back when necessary.
Look inside and see which will be the best for you.
They say you get what you give, theres not always truth there. Expectations can be disappointing when it comes to an even exchange. It comes down to setting boundaries and not making apologies when you do.
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Originally Posted by PRINCESSNOTICE
When it comes to personal relationships (friends, family, S/O) is it so bad that I have certain expectations for people? Not high over the top expectations, but certain standards. I tend to find myself disappointed time and time again by people and my feelings end up being hurt, but is it really my fault? I live my life and treat people the way I want to be treated, so what is so wrong with me expecting people to do the same? Maybe I should just start telling people a firm NO and not feel bad when I do.
There are caring people and there are thoughtless people, and there are those of us who are somewhere in the middle. Maybe these people don't realize you expect something in return. Maybe you are expecting more than what they can give. You might need to lower your opinion of some of these people and realize the same things that are important to you, are not important to them.
When it comes to personal relationships (friends, family, S/O) is it so bad that I have certain expectations for people? Not high over the top expectations, but certain standards. I tend to find myself disappointed time and time again by people and my feelings end up being hurt, but is it really my fault? I live my life and treat people the way I want to be treated, so what is so wrong with me expecting people to do the same? Maybe I should just start telling people a firm NO and not feel bad when I do.
Sorry, guess I am just thinking/typing out loud
Some people are selfish, you are the opposite - selfless. As you may have already experienced, the selfish folks only call upon you when they need something, otherwise you won't hear from them. Put some distance between you and them - it's okay, you have to look out for you, they certainly aren't doing it.
There is a choice.
Do you continue to associate with these people, assuming you can disassociate, or do you find some new people who will be there for you as you are for them?
Of course you can still be totally selfless towards the original people, and just meet someone new who can have your back when necessary.
Look inside and see which will be the best for you.
I guess I choose to keep them around becuase I feel like they need me (as silly as that sounds). But as more and more time passes I notice that these same people only call on me when they are unhappy as if I am not allowed to share their happiness with them whenever they find it. But different people follow the same traits.
Thank you I will be doing some soul searching.
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