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That is something I have been wondering a lot lately about myself.
My marriage/ relationship with my ex went on for 17 years. It is still going on because we have children.
I put up with everything and was very shy. He was emotionally abusive and I took it.
He was mean to the kids and I put up with it. He hardly let me see my family and I put up with it.
It was his way or no way and I dealt with it.
Fast forward to now.
I have been with my SO for about 16 months or so.
I have become the polar opposite. I am not like my old self at all. I am not like the woman who was married to that other man for all those years.
Strange thing is that I let my ex get by with things still even now, as far as lawyer stuff is concerned.
SO complains because of this. he says I do not give an inch with him but I allow ex a mile, basically.
He is right for the most part. I really do not want controversy with the ex anymore. I just want things to be normal. I want for us to be civil to one another and come together for the kids.
Sometimes he can do that, others he cannot.
Normally when he has been with his family is when he cannot. His girlfriend, imo does not seem to make much difference.
It is like (in this relationship) because of what went on in my marriage I am all nope, not taking it in this relationship.
Well of course it does. Your life today is the sum of all the decisions you made in your past.
Did you goof off in school? Did you have unprotected sex with somebody you really didn't love all that much? Did you choose to blow your money on a trip to Cancun rather than pay off your credit cards? Did you break it off with somebody and then regret it later? Did you decide to take one job offer over another? Did you take up smoking, fail to exercise, or eat unhealthily?
The list goes on and on. If you complain about the way your life has turned out, barring an act of God or a dreadful disease unrelated to your lifestyle choices, it's pretty much your own damned fault.
I think you make internal changes much more easily in brand new situations than in old situations. It is hard to break in a "new you" to a situation like yours. I know what you mean. Do you ever try to be the "new you" to the ex? Do you think you still take it from the ex? Change bleeds slowly into everything eventually.
I used to be a doormat, patient and tolerant of some of the most unacceptable. Look at me now, I'm a strong, beautiful, self-assured, mannerly, gold-digging, narcissist hoochie. I can't believe I waited this long.
When I so-called "exterminated" the toxic people from my life, I felt an enhancement to my mental/emotional state. In regard to the present, for myself, I believe it's due to the aforementioned - plus, more well though out decisions/behavior modification(s), healthier self esteem/confidence, accepting myself for who I am and not trying to be what others want me to be, and good old fashioned maturity. I feel that the past allows you to create options for yourself, just as I believe that we do not exactly "change," but we do create/recreate ourselves.
What I am today is a direct result of all the decisions, good and bad, that I have made in my life. Thank goodness I learned from my mistakes!
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