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I think everybody has that bad/dark side to them. Divorce brings it out in most...
I dunno 405, I am not married, but I know one specific guy who I treated like absolute garbage and I still don't know why. He was a SUPER nice dude, but there was something about his personality that made me flip my lid whenever he'd make the slightest mistake or said the wrong thing. He was the only person that saw me act the way I did... I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I was a bad girlfriend.
I dunno 405, I am not married, but I know one specific guy who I treated like absolute garbage and I still don't know why. He was a SUPER nice dude, but there was something about his personality that made me flip my lid whenever he'd make the slightest mistake or said the wrong thing. He was the only person that saw me act the way I did... I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I was a bad girlfriend.
I do see what you mean though.
He was probably a whiney weiner. I can't stand men that are whiney...and the groveling at your feet type make me want to puke, as well. Any man that has to try this hard is not worthy of my attention.
I have to ask, OP how long did you guys date before you got married? You too, funymann.
We dated for 5 years, and lived together before we were married in that 5 year period...and yes, I did see signs, but, after we got married, he changed immediately....even said something to him, and we went to counseling, but it didn't help...and during the seperation and divorce, ohhhh my, he was awful...and I've heard it said before, and it's so true, you never really know the person your married to, until the divorce. Emotions are high, yes, but I will never ever marry or live with anyone again...awful....
Even though I can't speak from personal experience, I know that a big problem is when friends and family get involved, telling each person what they're entitled to, how they should fight for this or that.
no, it wasn't about material things, b/c I gave him almost everything to get out of it...just wanted it to end...it was his personality....he was really mean...nasty...and he was the one who was running around. He wanted me back....begged me, threatened to kill himself....so I went back...(very dumb on my part) and the moment I returned, he was yelling and screaming...I feared staying there...so the next morning after he left for work, I left again....and when he came after me, I said no. He kept calling me, coming to see me...it was awful....He acted crazy.
I have to ask, OP how long did you guys date before you got married? You too, funymann.
I had to mull this over for a while. I didn't want to make a quick comment.
I dated her basically over the phone for over a year. She lived and hour away from me. I never got to see her face to face much but I spent many, many hours over the phone with her. I thought I knew her well. I was wrong!! Never lived with her before marriage. We got married and she moved up to my city and went from there.
I tell people all the time from my experience to never, NEVER date over the phone. Now we have texting, email, facebook. All these take you further and further away from the person you are falling in love with. I tell you, you will never see the stares, the smiles, the way she twirls her hair or bites her lip. Those things are lost. I believe it's 80 or 90% body language. How can you base your whole relationship on 10%? Seriously. I saw where I messed up.
Another aspect is get to know their family really well. I mean, spend time with them alot before you commit. Can you see why your future mate is the way she is? Does her mother push Dad around all the time? Belittle him. How does she get along with her Dad. Is she a Daddy's girl and always get her way? See, the way you get to know someone is by their family. Seriously.
Those are the profound thoughts from "FUNYMANN!" Enjoy.
In most cases they aren't different and they haven't changed, they are just revealing their true colors. It was there all the while, but kept beneath the surface. When things are going well you aren't looking for or noticing all the character flaws. It's when things go to liquid shyt and the rose colored glasses come off and we see what we ignored or was hidden from us all those years.
So much for finding Mr. Right, let alone Mr. Perfect!
Its funny but the guys who are considered the best catches, usually turn out the worst. Like everything else negative that they do, its because they can.
Then a year later, someone else has found their Mr. Right and is now even more confident because he's divorced and therefore "vetted" by other women and "has shown his willingness to commit."
That's not love, that's his reaction to losing his favorite toy! Possessiveness is not love, even though romantic movies have been telling us it is for many years now.
When I left my husband, I got the same treatment, the same bargaining to try to get me back. He even confessed to making a pass at my best friend when I was resting in the next room. That was it for me; I was done after he told me that!
After he realized he couldn't get me back, it got ugly. He'd call me at my dad's and start screaming at me, calling me names, etc. I used to listen and end up twisted in knots. One day I had a revelation. I held the phone away from my ear, looked at it, and then hung up on him. That was the best feeling ever!
After a few years, to hear him talk you'd think he had initiated the divorce! Whatever. Once I stopped caring what he thought, the rest was easy. I only cared about our kids, but that's a whole different story!
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
no, it wasn't about material things, b/c I gave him almost everything to get out of it...just wanted it to end...it was his personality....he was really mean...nasty...and he was the one who was running around. He wanted me back....begged me, threatened to kill himself....so I went back...(very dumb on my part) and the moment I returned, he was yelling and screaming...I feared staying there...so the next morning after he left for work, I left again....and when he came after me, I said no. He kept calling me, coming to see me...it was awful....He acted crazy.
I tell people all the time from my experience to never, NEVER date over the phone.
Fortunately, most people do not need to be told this!
I dated my ex for 5 years, and was married to him for 20 more. You think I would have known him in a predictable way by then, right?
Within a few months of him leaving, before I'd even filed for divorce, he had bought a $600K house with a brand new girlfriend, decided he didn't need to have a relationship with his daughters, and was telling everyone who listened that he NEVER loved me.
He was a lifelong humanist/athiest, but the girlfriend is apparently a "shaman" who does not have a job but travels around doing magic and spirit healing and flying. WEIRD!
The person you leave is rarely the person you met.
exactly!
I can't speak for anyone else, but upon meeting my husband, I was smitten...he wined and dined me, was the perfect gentleman...we went every where, did so much...and I thought we had so much in common....it was fun...loving, and his family were great people...huge family...but when we married, he changed...we didn't go anywhere, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere...but to work and the grocery store...it was like a prison...I remember walking through the house with an arm full of dry laundry thinking, I've never in my life ever felt so alone before"....he cut off all my friends....family, support network, and I allowed it...I was so foolish, trying so hard to make it work...talk about naieve...but the seperation and divorce...ohhhhh my....I am so happy to be free of him...never ever again.
I can't speak for anyone else, but upon meeting my husband, I was smitten...he wined and dined me, was the perfect gentleman...we went every where, did so much...and I thought we had so much in common....it was fun...loving, and his family were great people...huge family...but when we married, he changed...we didn't go anywhere, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere...but to work and the grocery store...it was like a prison...I remember walking through the house with an arm full of dry laundry thinking, I've never in my life ever felt so alone before"....he cut off all my friends....family, support network, and I allowed it...I was so foolish, trying so hard to make it work...talk about naieve...but the seperation and divorce...ohhhhh my....I am so happy to be free of him...never ever again.
Divorce ususally brings out the worst in people, but in your case it sounds like marriage brought out the worst in him
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I was a bad girlfriend.
