Dating Someone That Was Sexually Abused (wife, how to, marry, women)
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Has anyone, particularly a guy, dated a woman, only to find out later that she was sexually abused by her father in her early to late teens? If so, did you find out during the relationship or after and how did you or her or both of you together handle it? What are some of the signs that a women might exhibit that may serve to confirm that this type of event occurred in her life and how do you address it with her if they refuse to acknowledge the event ever occurred?
Has anyone, particularly a guy, dated a woman, only to find out later that she was sexually abused by her father in her early to late teens? If so, did you find out during the relationship or after and how did you or her or both of you together handle it? What are some of the signs that a women might exhibit that may serve to confirm that this type of event occurred in her life and how do you address it with her if they refuse to acknowledge the event ever occurred?
A fear of men in general, depression, guilt, anxiety, lack of desire for sex, promiscuity. Drug and alcohol addiction is also pretty common.
Do you mean denying that it occured, as if it never happened or not revealing it? It is a very personal issue. They may not want to talk about it so freely.
It's like she told me everything that happened in so many small indirect ways, like she wanted me to know. And then when I finally put all the pieces together and approached the subject subtley, I was totally shut down. I remember the first time we were together, she asked me to tell her I loved her even if I didn't mean it. I thought that was weird. Almost like she could justify what she was allowing me to do for her, as long as she thought "I loved her". She has no relationship with her father except at family events. He is always saying these mean little things to her just to set her off. She runs off crying. And when I tell her to tell him to screw off, she acts like she is scared to say anything to him. It's almost like he is terrorizing her. Like he's trying to keep her scared of him. She's very conscious about her weight and how her body appears. And then she has this insane fear of basements. And she is always talking about things like "damaged goods" and "two time loser", when she refers to herself. I don't get it.
It's like she told me everything that happened in so many small indirect ways, like she wanted me to know. And then when I finally put all the pieces together and approached the subject subtley, I was totally shut down. I remember the first time we were together, she asked me to tell her I loved her even if I didn't mean it. I thought that was weird. Almost like she could justify what she was allowing me to do for her, as long as she thought "I loved her". She has no relationship with her father except at family events. He is always saying these mean little things to her just to set her off. She runs off crying. And when I tell her to tell him to screw off, she acts like she is scared to say anything to him. It's almost like he is terrorizing her. Like he's trying to keep her scared of him. She's very conscious about her weight and how her body appears. And then she has this insane fear of basements. And she is always talking about things like "damaged goods" and "two time loser", when she refers to herself. I don't get it.
Here is my advise to you...
Get her help and break up with her.
She will be a complete headache until she is fixed with professional help.
My wife was molested by her father from age 2-12, and my late wife was molested by her mother's bf when she was around 6-8, so it doesn't fit your age bracket, but I doubt that matters too much.
My wife told me about it pretty early in our relationship -- while we were "just friends". My late wife told me much later, after we were living together. She decided to see a psychiatrist about her phobias, the issue of the molestation came up, and she confided it to me a day or two later. She'd never told anyone before that. (She was in her late 40s at the time.)
The "signs" are the same ones shown for other problems. You'll never know by behavior. If they refuse to acknowledge it happened, you don't talk about it. (How would you even know if they don't tell you?)
My late wife was writing a book about survivors of childhood sexual abuse, with a little help and urging from me. In fact, her psychiatrist was her co-author, and I was her sounding board. (She died before it was completed.)
My current wife and I hosted an on-line "shelter" for victims of sexual abuse for several years.
There's not much you can do to "handle it." You offer to listen and give support. You read books about the subject and learn how victims still suffer from abuse decades later, and you are as understanding as possible. You can't cure it; you can't make it go away, and if you pressure the victim to talk about it, you're not doing him/her any favors. Just be there if and when they want to talk about it. Listen, hold a hand, give a hug, offer your support. That's all you can do.
it wasn't the sexual abuse as a child that ruined me. While it was tramatic, through counseling I learned how to deal with it. It was the men after that that I chose for lifetime companions who broke me...each time it was worse...the heartbreak.
when I put my last dog down, I said, I'd never Ever get another dog and go thru that again. After 13 years, I've finally adopted a rescue.
But the heartbreak impossed on me by men was to much to bear. I will never ever marry or even date again and haven't for many many years.
The sexual abuse was not a nice thing, but I made it through that...it's the people I trusted with my heart afterwards...
I suggest you get her to go to counseling, and then, be honest, both with yourself and her and do not prolong a relationship if you don't think you can handle it. Be her friend, if you can tolerate it. And above all, don't ever play with the hearts of others as if it were a game....b/c you can destroy a person for life, by being thoughtless and selfish.
I think it is very difficult or impossible to get over such matters.
I've been treated very poorly by young adult women my whole life, that I suspect had some abuse issues with men, and I find it very hard to understand them, apparently they pick on you and harass the crud out of you when they "like" you. Ugh right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
it wasn't the sexual abuse as a child that ruined me. While it was tramatic, through counseling I learned how to deal with it. It was the men after that that I chose for lifetime companions who broke me...each time it was worse...the heartbreak.
when I put my last dog down, I said, I'd never Ever get another dog and go thru that again. After 13 years, I've finally adopted a rescue.
But the heartbreak impossed on me by men was to much to bear. I will never ever marry or even date again and haven't for many many years.
The sexual abuse was not a nice thing, but I made it through that...it's the people I trusted with my heart afterwards...
I suggest you get her to go to counseling, and then, be honest, both with yourself and her and do not prolong a relationship if you don't think you can handle it. Be her friend, if you can tolerate it. And above all, don't ever play with the hearts of others as if it were a game....b/c you can destroy a person for life, by being thoughtless and selfish.
Creme
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