17 year age gap has become a problem for me after 5 years of dating (older, sex)
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Are you honestly telling me you'd be ok with your husband or wife retiring nearly 20 years before you??
I would really like you to answer this if you can, lionking.
I am not being a ******, I am just curious.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka
You did not think about this at 22. You have probably grown up. Irrespective of how bad people think of you, your life is fully yours. One cannot live by the world.
Thanks for your advice, Antlered.
Despite what some may think of me, I find it close to impossible to put myself first, and I beat myself up a lot about the smallest things. I really need to learn to start focusing on me and my wants instead of being so concerned with hurting others. It's easy to say, but very hard to put into action.
How can we drop it when you even say it is a huge issue to you? You say he is near perfect yet on the other hand say he is choking your independence and you shudder him as being old?
If you want to bail out of the relationship follow your heart about it but at least spare him from knowing that you view him as a old geezer. Because I probably speak for most 40 year old men on this board when I say most of us feel far from being over the hill. Anna Smith marrying a 80 something year old guy is creepy, a 40 year old guy with a late 20's female is not creepy.
She doesn't need to tell him that she finds him looking too dad-like to her, I suspect that he already knows that. And he's been expecting it for years. And I don't think that the O.P. will tell him that unless he pushes her for a reason for the break up or tries to persuade her to stay.
That's why should I feel my boyfriend fading away from our relationship, I will accept the situation graciously and not try to persuade him to stay with me.
But as to a 44 year old man dating a 27 year old woman being creepy or not, some find it creepy and some don't. And there is no reason to bash anyone that feels it's creepy. Honestly, while I am now dating a much younger man, I admit that I would never consider marrying a man that was 10 or 15 years my senior. Men just don't age as well as women. Look at the statistics. In the US, on average, women outlive men by 5-7 years. So whatever the age gap is with an older man younger woman relationship, add to that 5-7 more years depending on how healthy a lifestyle each is living. And my stepgrandparents had an age gap of 15 years, and for the last five years of his life, my stepgrandmother had to take care of him. And she didn't enjoy those years. There was no more travelling because of his infirmities. And by the time he passed away, she was too old and tired to enjoy her last years.
And to help prevent the creepy factor, I recommend that men be as conscientious as women about applying sunblock on their faces and not overexposing themselves to the sun. Not smoking cigarettes also helps in keeping youthful looking. Not hanging out in bars and getting drunk on a regular basis is a plus too.
And my stepgrandparents had an age gap of 15 years, and for the last five years of his life, my stepgrandmother had to take care of him. And she didn't enjoy those years. There was no more travelling because of his infirmities. And by the time he passed away, she was too old and tired to enjoy her last years.
I am sorry to hear about your stepgrandmother, miu. This is one of the things I fear in later life should we stay together. He eats terribly, is overweight and never exercises. He doesn't like being "nagged" and hates being doubted, so I have never gotten on his case about it, but I wish he would do something.
Please, PLEASE - LOOK what I am writing. 44 = not over the hill. I DO NOT see him as an old geezer.
But the thought of him being retired and ready to take it easy for the rest of his days when I reach his age of 44, YES, that bothers me! Are you honestly telling me you'd be ok with your husband or wife retiring nearly 20 years before you??
It is the FUTURE I am concerned about here, the FUTURE.
I never said anything about him choking my independence. NOTHING. Everything has been MY choice. I had a choice to stay, or a choice to go, and I stayed. It's my own fault there.
Why do you think he would retire at 61? or 64? Especially, if you have kids down the road, he may want/have to work. Plus, it can keep you more active.
Why do you think he would retire at 61? or 64? Especially, if you have kids down the road, he may want/have to work. Plus, it can keep you more active.
True, he may not want to, he may not retire until he is 70, which would make me 53, and which would still mean I would have to work for over 10 years more than him.
I know it seems like I am constantly focusing on the negatives, but I am just trying to be as realistic as possible for once in my life.
I am sorry to hear about your stepgrandmother, miu. This is one of the things I fear in later life should we stay together. He eats terribly, is overweight and never exercises. He doesn't like being "nagged" and hates being doubted, so I have never gotten on his case about it, but I wish he would do something.
Okay, so now we know a bit more about this man. He's a lot older than you and out of shape. Obviously he's not a 'hot' 44 year old.
There is nothing wrong with having doubts. What you need to do is figure out what you want to do about this. Do you live with this man? Does he support you?
Why do you think he would retire at 61? or 64? Especially, if you have kids down the road, he may want/have to work. Plus, it can keep you more active.
Because sooner or later he will do it, and she will still be two decades behind. She can't take any risks now, she can't think "What if" . She's going to make a choise on what is NOW, and now what MIGHT be in the FUTURE.
Ok I understand what you say about thinking about the future but I never think about the future anyway I go for what is now. So I'm different that way plus unlike you I hardly ever commit anyway. But the fact that you said sex creeps you out now with him that makes it sound like you already view him as ugly because of age and that is what bruises my ego when I think about myself and my age.
What I say about myself doesn't really have anything to do with you and him I'm just confessing my ego. I at 40 can't fathom having a 30 year old female view me as over the hill and creepy to have sex with.....
You're making the O.P.'s 17 year age gap seem like only ten years... she's got three years until she is 30, and her boyfriend is four years older than you. Just let it go. She doesn't find her boyfriend physically attractive anymore and it's time to break up. And there's no need to make her feel guilty about the situation.
Plus not all people age at the same rate. You could at 40 years old could be standing next to her 44 year old boyfriend and looking ten years younger than him. Or maybe you could look close in age. Who knows without any pictures? So there is no need for you to try to defend the sex appeal of all 40+ year old men to 27 year old women.
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Why?
Just let it go. She doesn't find her boyfriend physically attractive anymore and it's time to break up. And there's no need to make her feel guilty about the situation. 
