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Before I start, here's some background info: I'm a 23 year old guy. I've graduated from college, have a bachelors and masters degrees and before I got married..had some pretty good career prospects.. My wife is 25, graduated from highschool and was pregnant with two kids from a previous relationship before she was 23.
3 yeas ago I started dating a rather nice single mom online (her), did the whole long distance thing for a while and when I thought that I'd found the girl of my dreams, married her at the end of last year, kids and everything.
Before I got married, we previously only got to spend a few months of "real" time together and I hadn't fully grasped just how much of our time and my finances would revolve around the kids - as expected, we rarely get to do that much outside the house together, so dates, travel etc. are out of the window until she's ready for us to get a babysitter. It's stressful to say the least.
On the finance front, Their bio-dad is most likely in jail somewhere (according to my wife) and has never provided any assistance or child support.
This has meant that for much of the time I've been dating my wife, most of my paychecks have been helping her get through the bills, buy diapers, pay for clothes etc. I originally didn't mind but it can leave you out of pocket which sucks. She works as well, but a lot of the time, I contribute towards the majority of the bills.
It's at the 11 month mark in our marriage now and..selfish as it sounds.. I'm really starting to miss the idea of quiet time...getting to travel..getting to open up my own business or focus on my career..getting to hang out with friends and family...basically, getting to do anything that us adults would consider basic "fun". I wish I could do these with my wife, but with kids in tow and finances being the way they probably will be over the next few years..I don't know if its going to happen.
As a mom, my wife is more interested in family activities outside the house on the very few occasions we do have days off (or just sleeping) and this leaves us with barely any time to do things together as a couple. I COMPLETELY understand that the kids come first and we do need to do things as a family..but she doesn't seem to see how important doing things as a couple are. I'm also concerned that she has this self-decided view that until the kids are well into their teens, I will be the only one working while she will be in charge of bringing the kids up.
I love my wife..but I feel like if I stay..everything..both all my finances and my time are going to be spent on her and the kids over the next few years and I'll lose my chances for a business and career that could be successful (damn..i really feel selfish saying all this).
Don't get me wrong, whether it's foolish youthful thinking or the truth, I think my wife is the one, but I'm having a HARD time deciding whether at my age..love and all these sacrifices for her kids are enough to throw away the other opportunities I could have in life.
If you guys were in my situation, what would you do?
You had to, or should have known what you were getting into before you agreed to be a family man. Of course raising children costs money, do you think it's free? One of the unwritten rules of parenting is that you make sacrifices for your family. Dreams you had prior to being a father virtually go out the window. In a way I feel for you and in a way I don't.
OK, OK...why does age always come into play when folks are talking about responsibility? Men would forge papers to join the military to fight during wartime, marry and have children by the age of 20, work hard, make a good living, raise their children, honor their responsibilities...this has NOTHING to do with age and EVERYTHING to do with choices...
I gave her a few days and here is what's happened since:
1. We had another talk where I told her where I stood and what would happen if things didn't change - that I would leave. She didn't address the issue of helping me or her laziness, but was quite adamant that she preferred staying at home or going out to do things as a family rather than doing things with just me and her together { I didn't really like that }. She also made it clear that she didn't want her kids being babysat all the time and said that if I was going to leave her I should just do it. She tried to guilt trip me to make it seem as if everything I had issues with were purely the kids ("it would be messed up if you left me because of my children"), but I didn't buy that. This has been about more than just them. To calm this all down I told her that it would be more helpful for us to talk about ideas on how to solve the problem rather than just repeating the same sentence about me leaving over and over again. I guess the points/days that follow are some reflection of this.
2. She had her brother babysit the kids so that she and I could go down to the city by ourselves one evening. This was mainly for her to show me the things she wanted for Christmas and for the kids, but we at least got to spend time together so that was good - it showed me that she can when she wants to, and we have someone available, possibly take time out to be with me.
3. On her days off, she did still sleep in until 2 am, but after this she got up and did all of the chores I had been asking her to do, including making dinner (for anyone that's been missing out on this thread, up until this point I have been the one doing 90% of our chores / childcare lately). She's also made an effort to be the one that gets the kids breakfast in the morning, so it's like things are starting to improve for the better.
4. She brought up the idea of having her brother's girlfriend babysit for us. She would want me to pay for her, but it could potentially lead to some stress being taken off of me so that was appreciated.
Here's where I'm unsure of what needs to be done next. I currently have a lawyer who I've been told I need to call up and schedule an engagement letter with tomorrow as last week I was adamant about the idea of divorce, but I now feel uneasy - I can't quite tell if the changes that I am seeing in her are merely temporary changes that are going to disappear in another few months, or whether these are genuine changes that are going to make this relationship work.
One point of view that hasn't changed is that she still has temper tantrums, is still not very grateful for what she does have in her life, is still somewhat lazy and still has roudy children who are only showing signs of continuing their behaviour despite our efforts to discipline them. It's weird being a step-parent because although you've agreed to try your best to raise someone else's children with them, it's not as easy to instantly like or even love them as their parents sometimes expect you to.
Here's what I would really like some input on:
1. Does it appear like I am actively trying to find flaws with my wife?. I'm trying to be as fair and as balanced as I can be, but I'm completely open to hearing other people's perspectives on the posts I've been making.
2. Do you think that the changes I've mentioned seeing in her are simply reactionary (ie, temporary changes to keep me happy) or do you think they could be more an attempt to try harder to make things better on her part?.
3. Would it be foolish for me to speak to lawyers and try to arrange for something to be signed by the end of this week?. I feel like I'm either giving her too many chances to keep me here or maybe its that I'm not giving her enough chances. Again, I'm open to hearing what everyone thinks.
I wouldn't say you're actively trying to find flaws in your wife. You sound very reasonable to me. Could you be happy the way things are at this moment?
The next week or so should tell the tale of whether the changes are reactionary or not. It would appear to me that you have been very patient in the matter.
I gave her a few days and here is what's happened since:
1. We had another talk where I told her where I stood and what would happen if things didn't change - that I would leave. She didn't address the issue of helping me or her laziness, but was quite adamant that she preferred staying at home or going out to do things as a family rather than doing things with just me and her together { I didn't really like that }. She also made it clear that she didn't want her kids being babysat all the time and said that if I was going to leave her I should just do it. She tried to guilt trip me to make it seem as if everything I had issues with were purely the kids ("it would be messed up if you left me because of my children"), but I didn't buy that. This has been about more than just them. To calm this all down I told her that it would be more helpful for us to talk about ideas on how to solve the problem rather than just repeating the same sentence about me leaving over and over again. I guess the points/days that follow are some reflection of this.
2. She had her brother babysit the kids so that she and I could go down to the city by ourselves one evening. This was mainly for her to show me the things she wanted for Christmas and for the kids, but we at least got to spend time together so that was good - it showed me that she can when she wants to, and we have someone available, possibly take time out to be with me.
3. On her days off, she did still sleep in until 2 am, but after this she got up and did all of the chores I had been asking her to do, including making dinner (for anyone that's been missing out on this thread, up until this point I have been the one doing 90% of our chores / childcare lately). She's also made an effort to be the one that gets the kids breakfast in the morning, so it's like things are starting to improve for the better.
4. She brought up the idea of having her brother's girlfriend babysit for us. She would want me to pay for her, but it could potentially lead to some stress being taken off of me so that was appreciated.
Here's where I'm unsure of what needs to be done next. I currently have a lawyer who I've been told I need to call up and schedule an engagement letter with tomorrow as last week I was adamant about the idea of divorce, but I now feel uneasy - I can't quite tell if the changes that I am seeing in her are merely temporary changes that are going to disappear in another few months, or whether these are genuine changes that are going to make this relationship work.
One point of view that hasn't changed is that she still has temper tantrums, is still not very grateful for what she does have in her life, is still somewhat lazy and still has roudy children who are only showing signs of continuing their behaviour despite our efforts to discipline them. It's weird being a step-parent because although you've agreed to try your best to raise someone else's children with them, it's not as easy to instantly like or even love them as their parents sometimes expect you to.
Here's what I would really like some input on:
1. Does it appear like I am actively trying to find flaws with my wife?. I'm trying to be as fair and as balanced as I can be, but I'm completely open to hearing other people's perspectives on the posts I've been making.
2. Do you think that the changes I've mentioned seeing in her are simply reactionary (ie, temporary changes to keep me happy) or do you think they could be more an attempt to try harder to make things better on her part?.
3. Would it be foolish for me to speak to lawyers and try to arrange for something to be signed by the end of this week?. I feel like I'm either giving her too many chances to keep me here or maybe its that I'm not giving her enough chances. Again, I'm open to hearing what everyone thinks.
Thanks!
Well, like I mentioned to you before, talk is cheap - ACTIONS are what count. So far she is at least trying to show you things can be improved upon. But she needs to continue this and only time will tell if she's able/willing to.
So, to answer your question, I still think it's too soon to do the lawyer thing. I know you feel you are on a time frame, and if you absolutely must make a decision to see the lawyer to beat some deadline, then make your best guess as to what you want. But really, if you could just take the time to live with all this a while longer (like 90 days) you'd be a lot more sure of your decision and then much better able to live with it, whatever it is, later down the line.
1. Watch her "changed ways" disappear in about two weeks and she'll become a mooching and lazy parasite again.
2. Watch her kids become even more disrespectful and rowdy. They will treat you like **** because you aren't their dad and they probably inherited impulsiveness, aggressiveness, and stupidity from their father which will just exacerbate the situation.
Let the love/sex feelings subside and look at this logically. What do you think this situation will be like in 5 years? ...10 years?
It's your choice. I know that I would have made the ***** sign a pre-nup at least.
So, it's only been what, a few days now? Here are my answers:
#1. No.
#2. At this point, you can't tell if she's trying to change. It's too early to judge. HOWEVER, a person doesn't change unless they WANT to, not because they're made to. She most likely will fall back into her old ways within a month. So, it is at this point fair to consider her actions REACTIONARY.
#3. Never hurts to see a pro and get all your options.
Quite frankly, I STILL think you need to get the hell out of there.
Is that remark supposed to help your credibility when it comes to advice?
Admittedly, that was a bit hostile. I just have no respect for people who screw up their lives and latch onto other people in order to gain support. That goes for guy mooches too. *shrug*
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