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Again if this is bothering you now, only 11 months into the marriage, leave! It's obvious she doesn't want to be a wife. Being a wife and stay at home mom, means doing the brunt of the housework and taking care of the kids. Tell her that in order to provide a good stable living she will have to do HER job which is take care of the kids and the house. If she still doesn't change her attitude, LEAVE! I can't stress this enough before you make a baby with her and are tied to her forever.
Also, I am getting mixed signals from your posts. It seems you are annoyed with her attitude and taking care of the children but yet you say you love her. To me, love means working things out. It is a two way street though. Trust me, I have been married for a long time so I know how you can feel frustrated being a parent at such a young age, esp. to two toddlers! Voice your feelings now, before it's too late.
I hope you went back several pages and read our posts.
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She couldn't help herself with man #1 because she was turned on. She cannot help herself with man #2 because she is looking out for the babies.
One of the problems we have with people today is the thinking that they are the victim "Could not help herself" and it's not my fault. BS
She is not evil but she could be a little princess who needs someone to take care of her and the kids. Unless she has the flu her butt should be out of bed to take care of her responsibilities.
I would love to find 2-3 more good women with good jobs so I could be totally useless. My MIL was married 5 times looking for someone to take care of the kids & expenses. It was tough on the kids.
Thank you for your advice..but I have to say I resent that statement. You'll find that a lack of love is in many cases not the reason why relationships end or fail to work out. Sometimes, the reality for some couples is that love just isn't enough.
Case in point..
My morning so far has involved taking care of the two kids since I woke up and dealing with one of them needing me to help them figure out stuff on the computer every 2 minutes (literally) for the past 3 hours. I've done many of the house chores myself and helped with homework... on top of this I've somehow managed to work on important campaign for work (the stress really didn't help). My wife on the other hand has been asleep all the way through to 1.30 in the afternoon and doesn't seem to mind leaving me to deal with all of this by myself.
I'm not the bad guy here..I just feel like I'm the one doing almost everything and I don't think that's fair. If this was a once off, I would say that I could understand and just move past it, but when she was unemployed this what my days were like every single week. I did talk to her about it and nothing changed.
So to summarize...I feel like I'm a slave whose responsibility it is to both look after the children, the house and make enough money to cover her bills. My wife is either completely oblivious to how this type of thing can breed resentment or she's happy with it going on just so she doesn't have to deal with it herself. Does she love me? Possibly. When I'm working I will get the occasional kiss or I love you, but this doesn't change my feelings of being used.
I can fully appreciate that a single mother needs to find someone to take care of both her and her children, but is this really what that's supposed to entail?
Hi orbital,
Why are you taking this? You are part of the problem. You appear to be a spineless enabler. Are you afraid of her? Tell her the score(hint: she was turned on by a jail bird).
Also, why does she need some nowhere job? She should take care of the kids. I still cannot figure out how women "find themselves" in those corporate monkey houses making 60k a year. If I were a female feminist, I would find a patron to pay the bills like Marx and Engels and strive for more. If I had a sponsor like that, I'd quite my day job too.
If you don't start laying down the rules, she will hate you anyway. If you want to save the marriage, then do it ASAP.
When I hear stories like yours I cringe. Successful young men with hopes, dreams, and money in the bank side-tracked by some woman and her kids from a previous relationship. She hit the jackpot with you. You are a nice guy who offered her a path out of welfare or the rungs of the lower working-class for the rest of her life.
You sir, are a sucker. A well-intentioned and kind sucker...but a sucker nonetheless. You could be traveling the world and having sex with all kinds of hot women and this is the situation you put yourself in? I would seriously leave man. Get out before you spend another dime on offspring who are not yours.
I am childless and happy. I spend every cent on me. I travel extensively. I get drunk whenever I want to. My house is quiet. I do what I want when I want. It's sweet, dude.
P.S. I guarantee you that she will find a way to extricate herself from the workforce and you will be a slave for the next 15 years while you work your ass off to maintain the household. It's what single moms do...they latch onto guys like you and turn into parasitic wastes because they don't want to work.
Again if this is bothering you now, only 11 months into the marriage, leave! It's obvious she doesn't want to be a wife. Being a wife and stay at home mom, means doing the brunt of the housework and taking care of the kids. Tell her that in order to provide a good stable living she will have to do HER job which is take care of the kids and the house. If she still doesn't change her attitude, LEAVE! I can't stress this enough before you make a baby with her and are tied to her forever.
Also, I am getting mixed signals from your posts. It seems you are annoyed with her attitude and taking care of the children but yet you say you love her. To me, love means working things out. It is a two way street though. Trust me, I have been married for a long time so I know how you can feel frustrated being a parent at such a young age, esp. to two toddlers! Voice your feelings now, before it's too late.
I am quite annoyed at her behaviour... All of this goes on and yet I'm the one left feeling miserable and resentful after having done the brunt of the work. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, especially when the kids involved in this situation are biologically hers.
She walks around acting like she hasn't got a problem in the world and like our relationship is perfect and it's getting a little ridiculous. She's just told me she realizes all that I do but rather than trying to help with a real solution that could help me..she merely joked about it. I can't seem to get her to realize that everything about this situation is making me unhappy.
She's a really nice girl..that's why I married her in the first place, but the way that I'm treated and the responsibilities that are thrown my way just because she won't do more to help me are making me reconsider whether I got married too young. Perhaps if we had both been older (and more mature) things would have been a little easier to work out. I don't know.
She sounds lazy and spoiled. And you are enabling both. I would worship the ground you walk on doing all those things for me if you were my husband! Taking care of my kids (who aren't even yours), having advanced degrees and providing for me and my kids!! Man you are a catch! And she scored on you! No offense. Let me guess, she is really cute, huh?? And as soon as she purrs you give in.
You say you can't handle the pressure of finances and the time the kids require from you...but think about it--If you leave, all that gets put back on their mother, tenfold! You're selfish for wanting to leave. Your wife doesn't get an easy out like you do. You're stuck. You made the commitment to be a family when times got tough, and now it's time for you to man up and do your duty. Life isn't a cake walk and you're no exception. There were a lot of "I" statements in your original post, and not a whole lot of "WE"'s. Quit thinking about yourself and put your family first.
It is really late in the process to re-think whether or not you want kids.
9 times out of 10 a single guy settles for a woman with kids because she was the hottest thing that ever gave him the time of day. Sad but true. So you landed hottie and now she comes with one hell of a price tag. But that should have been obvious from the beginning.
There isn't a lot of hope for your situation because someone gets hurt regardless, and unfortunately it will probably be the single mom and her kids. But I hope every single mom on the planet reads your post, raises her standards, and holds out for a single dad who knows what he is getting into.
It is really late in the process to re-think whether or not you want kids.
9 times out of 10 a single guy settles for a woman with kids because she was the hottest thing that ever gave him the time of day. Sad but true. So you landed hottie and now she comes with one hell of a price tag. But that should have been obvious from the beginning.
Hi Beena,
No doubt.
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There isn't a lot of hope for your situation because someone gets hurt regardless, and unfortunately it will probably be the single mom and her kids. But I hope every single mom on the planet reads your post, raises her standards, and holds out for a single dad who knows what he is getting into.
She was already a single mom with kids. So its not quite causing any additional hardship. The standard she can raise now is her own behavior. Most men know that the kids will be part of the package, so they are hardly trying to get in for nothing. He is simply way over his head and probably with a women he could never have when she was single. He could man up and by that I mean by treating her like the child she is. Then perhaps he could have a prayer. At least in other henpecking scenarios, there are capable matriarchs who can run things. She can't handle that role thus he needs to take that role. The problem is he does not seem able to do it.
Sometimes it feels like I'm the one that has to keep making sacrifices....I had to give up MY friends and family, my career, my life..move to HER country..and for what? to just be her financial and emotional support system?...surely in a good marriage both people sacrifice equally, right?...
Correct. Of course, since you brought so much more to the table, she should be sacrificing more. Instead, she made you leave your friends and family to go to her land.
Think about this: some women will undercut a man's support network so that she can better control him. Over and over again men who married found their old friends drift away, often because the wife doesn't approve of them or she guilts him into spending time on the family even as she gets to have girls night out.
Divorce comes and BAM, his friends were actually her friends and he's all alone without support- is it any wonder that divorced men commit suicide at a higher rate than either divorced women or either of the married genders?
From LovesMountains:
The really sad thing is how hard you are trying to justify what you are about to do (leave). Admit it, you already know what you are going to do - so just be honest with her ASAP and make it a clean break. Then do the world a HUGE favor and don't get married again until you've become a real man. Marriage is just too big a commitment for little boys.
Go with the first part but ignore the shaming language of the second part. You "manned up" and tried to rescue a woman who only pretended to love you. Where is LovesMountains' contempt for how this woman ensnared and uses you? Where is the shaming of this woman as a wanton child who could not keep her legs together and instead has TWO kids by a dreg of society?
And you know this woman personally I suppose?
You know for a fact that she "ensnared" orbital and "only pretended to love him"? I suppoose in your mind he holds NO RESPONSIBILITY WHATSOEVER for where he finds himself today. Yeah, right.
The truth is, you DON'T know her and you DON'T know how they really feel about one another. None of us really know.
You only know what he has told us here - and what he has told us is a story of guy who bit off more than he could chew. A guy pretending to be a grownup but who in reality is still just a boy. A guy for whom when life got real (read hard and something requiring sacrifice and work) he thinks he should get a "do over" and be able to run back to his carefree childish ways.
Instead of spending your time besmirching his wife's character and judging her a **** or worse, why not ask him the tough questions he really needs to be thinking about? Like, where is his honor, his integrity as the man he claims to be?
I'd also be real curious about what his own parents think about the position he has gotten himself into and what he should do about it.
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All of this goes on and yet I'm the one left feeling miserable and resentful after having done the brunt of the work. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, especially when the kids involved in this situation are biologically hers.
And you are enabling both. I would worship the ground you walk on doing all those things for me if you were my husband! Taking care of my kids (who aren't even yours), having advanced degrees and providing for me and my kids!! Man you are a catch! And she scored on you!
No offense. Let me guess, she is really cute, huh?? And as soon as she purrs you give in.
