Boyfriend looks at porn mags/online. How should I feel? (marriage, girl)
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A much bigger addition which many of us hate to admit is being on City Data. When you take the laptop to bed to continue your posts, it tends to get in the way of romance.
lol many have it. We are like kids with video games...just one more level, just one more level.
Well, this is a little straight to the point for my first post. lol.
My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for over 6 months now and are having sex on a very regular basis. He is a wonderful boyfriend; attentive, thoughtful, considerate, he even puts my big O before his! But something that continues to disgruntle me is his purchase of magazines and looking at porn online.
The magazine is relatively tame, and it's not an incessant habit... I am guilty of having looked at his computer history and found that he doesn't look at it often at all, usually no more than once a week. He constantly tells me that I'm beautiful, sexy and gorgeous. So to me, when he buys these magazines, he's saying that he prefers them to me. It hurts me to feel like I'm not good enough. How do other women feel on the subject? And, if men would like to contribute, what goes through your mind while you are doing these things?
I truly love my boyfriend and don't want to leave him. We've had a minor argument over this before but I don't think I articulated my point very well. Is there anything I could do to prevent him from doing this? I understand the online porn once in a while if he needs a fix when I'm not around (or even to be used as foreplay for both of us) but the magazines are simply to drool over flawless, photoshopped, busty beauties. Should I feel hurt?
Any feedback would be great.
Hi ClaireElizabeth,
Men think about other women whether they use porn or not. When men commit to a woman, they don't act on those desires. Its a sacrifice we make to a woman we love. That's all.
As to how much this needs to be in you life is another issue. A girlie calendar may not be appreciated. However what he does in his own privacy is another thing. There are those women who are intimate infrequently with their husband and in those cases its not surprising.
One can become addicted to anything including food, but it does not seem this is the case here.
Last edited by yankeegirl313; 12-13-2009 at 10:46 AM..
Using this same flawed logic, all people who worship in church are the same as mass murderers who killed because "God told them to." This is, of course, utter nonsense.
Men are usually (but not always) more sexually aroused by visual stimulation than women. Men also typically have a higher libido. Both of these are the result of evolutionary biology, which drives men to seek to reproduce prolifically (whereas women are biologically programmed to be choosy about their mate). Bottom line: men are horny and porn is a release for this. And unless it becomes an all-consuming obsession -- or veers into the criminal -- it is perfectly healthy and OK. After all, most porn use is simply a vehicle for masturbation which, again, is healthy and harmless.
If you don't like porn, don't look at it. If you want a man who doesn't look at porn, then you have to be up front about it at the beginning of the relationship. Understand that this will disqualify a large percentage of men -- probably a large majority of men -- from dating you, since most men like to look at naked women. But it is perfectly OK for you to turn down guys who do so.
So, ClaireElizabeth, here are your choices:
1. Break up with your boyfriend. He likes to look at movies of women having sex, whereas you don't like that -- both positions are legitimate. You're going to be unhappy with a guy who does that, and it is unfair and unreasonable to ask him to not do it. Thus, you might as well find someone else who doesn't.
or
2. You can follow Dan Savage's good advice: he pretends not to look at porn, out of consideration for your feelings, and you pretend to believe him, out of consideration for his.
Last edited by professorsenator; 12-12-2009 at 09:00 AM..
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Raena77
lmao! YOu freaky girl!
LOL Why's that? It's just about better sex and keeping the spice in it but they use real couples rather than porn stars. Although, regretfully, I've seen a seemingly aspiring porn-star as half of one of these couples and she (usually a she) just reminds me of why I hate porn.
Those arguments are idiotic. Men look at porn because they like to see naked women. Men like him were already disturbed. All men no matter what they do often visualize it first. Its what is known as thinking. Jack the Ripper did his thing with no porn.
I do however see in many genres of it, that woman are not held in high esteem. That is certainly an issue to me more so than the fact men are hardwired to look at naked women.
You can't help how you feel. My personal experience is when I was younger, I was very insecure. I would get very upset if a boyfriend would look at porn, thinking that I wasn't good enough, or pretty enough, or that he preferred someone like that instead of me. Now that I am older and very secure with myself, it doesn't bother me if my SO wants to look at porn once in a while. It is NOT a reflection on me, it has nothing to do with me! It is just something that many men enjoy.
Of course if it is a frequent thing, then that would be a problem, because that could mean that he has an addiction to it. But every so often, no big deal. He's not hiding it from you, which is a good thing. He feels comfortable enough with you to share that information with you.
Porn is never going away, although many people would like it to! Your boyfriend is not going to give it up, he will just wind up hiding it from you. It's possible that he is just not the right one for you. If it bothers you that much, maybe you should think about finding someone else. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who don't look at porn! Good luck to you, you sound like a nice person.
Here's a tip - don't let ANYONE in this world ever tell you how YOU are supposed to feel about anything, okay?
Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are.
Now all that being said, people will try to tell you - this is just what guys do - get over it.
Well, yeah, a lot of guys do buy it - Hugh Hefner has gotten filthy rich off of people buying it.
BUT, if you are not comfortable with porn in your life, you are not abnormal. Many woman feel this way for all the reasons you have already listed. AND, you have the right to feel that way.
On the other hand, some woman are fine with porn in their relationship - they don't feel threatened by those fake boobs and air-brushed images. They feel like their guys take all that energy and channel it into their time together, so it works for them.
The key here is decide what YOUR personal comfort zones are. If you decide you can't have this in your life then YOU have to take a stand. Just remember, whatever you decide you must be ready to accept the consequences of that decision, okay?
In other words, you could better articulate your feelings to him and tell him this is a deal-breaker for you, but be prepared for him to refuse to give it up. If that happens, you have to know yourself well enough to stand up and walk away - OR - stay and get comfortable with the idea of him looking at it.
I wish you luck with deciding what to do.
Best post on this thread
Well, Claire, if this becomes a thorn in your inner mind, learn to un-thorn it or........... in the course of time, find another guy.
But make no mistake that every other guy does porn time.
If a guy's given up on porno, he's either a weirdo or an Archangel with wings and antlers LMAO.
Personally this subject is a pet peave of mine. You asked so here it goes. When I lived in SoCal I belonged to the coalition against Pornagraphy and Sexual Abuse. I witnessed so much dystruction involving Porn. Horrific acts against children resulting from porn, destroyed marriages and women that spent hundreds of dollars recieving therapy because of the after math of this terrible thing that people do and think is ok. IT IS NOT OK. NO MATTER HOW IT IS JUSTIFIED. Have you ever read the testimony of Ted Bundy? If you haven't you should. Many of the most hanous and terrible crimes were commited by the fueling of porn somewhere in the lives of thoses who committed them.
1) I am a Christian so my belief may be different than yours. Jesus himself said that if you lust after a woman in your heart (mind) then you commit adultery with her. Adultery is wrong. So Porn is wrong, period...but then of course you have to be a follower of Christ and maybe you aren't. I can't make you believe what I believe but one thing I have seen through the many years of my life.... porn is dystructive no matter what it is used for. To use human beings for any purpose and bring them down to an animalistic nature is disrespectful and a downright shame.
2) Apart from the Christianity thing, if this porn issue makes you feel insecure or uncomfortable than you need to see that as a red flag. Trust me, your feelings will not go away and it will get worse. You may justify it now because the relationship is fairly new but later you will come to despise your boyfriend if not totally disrespect him. I just don't think Porn does ANYTHING good for anyone. I feel really sorry for those who are held captive by it's dystructive evil power. Sometime if you get the chance read Pure Desire by Ted Roberts. It is a very good book...
3) The most important thing is YOU. You are unique and beautiful unlike any other. Don't ever allow or let another man tell you differently, either by his behavior or with his words.
Hmmm, I never gained hateful or violent thoughts from checking it out, I see a pair of massive boobs and I think "wow look at those, oh man imagine how they would bounce while she is riding me and those curves" or "wow I would love to make them look like two glazed cakes after I thrust them". Or if I see a unbelievably round massive bubble butt "wow I would love to pound that doggy style imagine it bouncing waves like the ocean as I did" Thing is if I see a woman like that in public I am thinking the same thing although pulling out my pud in public to her wouldn't be exactly proper now would it?
Actually about the only thing that would make me go violent on a woman is if she pawned, broke or stole my guitars.
As far as Jesus, well I do believe I have him in my life, you may not consider me "true" according to your definition, however it doesn't really matter to me what you think or define me it is between him and I.
As far as lusting in my mind and Jesus saying that is wrong, well if it is I hope he can forgive me because nothing is going to change it, I am gaga over women and their curves.
Read the PO's second paragraph, the guy sounds like he is decent and good to her, doesn't sound like a violent wife beater to me, so where does your Ted Bundy fit in there? Maybe Ted Bundy was wacked because of other reasons?
As far as lusting in my mind and Jesus saying that is wrong, well if it is I hope he can forgive me because nothing is going to change it, I am gaga over women and their curves.
In Christ's eyes sin is sin...for some of you you should pull the plank out of your eye before you remove the speck out of someone else's (paraphrasing) and let he who has no sin cast the first stone. I do believe Jesus said both things...
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WAKE UP PEOPLE AND SMELL THE COFFEE!!! 
You asked so here it goes. When I lived in SoCal I belonged to the coalition against Pornagraphy and Sexual Abuse. I witnessed so much dystruction involving Porn. Horrific acts against children resulting from porn, destroyed marriages and women that spent hundreds of dollars recieving therapy because of the after math of this terrible thing that people do and think is ok. IT IS NOT OK. NO MATTER HOW IT IS JUSTIFIED. Have you ever read the testimony of Ted Bundy? If you haven't you should. Many of the most hanous and terrible crimes were commited by the fueling of porn somewhere in the lives of thoses who committed them. 
