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I'm getting ahead of myself, but it's been on my mind alot lately. Does anyone here have inlaws that have bad habits, and would like to protect your little ones from such "bad habits"? When doing so, how does/ did your effort to protect your little ones affect your relationship with the inlaws?
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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I've always had a big problem with this mentality--partly b'c I've so often seen it unjustified and judgemental. You can't shelter them from life and the world is full of people with bad habits so better to give them to tools they need to make better choices and be a good example and teach them to be tolerant of others.
My father in law is a drinker. A BIG DRINKER! My DH and I allow him to see the kids, but only supervised and we have been honest with our kids (age appropriately) as to what the issues are. They love their grandpa and their grandpa loves them. They are just not left with him for safety reasons. It actually has been a great learning tool about alchohol for them. I hate that there had to be a lesson, but we have used it as one.
I've always had a big problem with this mentality--partly b'c I've so often seen it unjustified and judgemental. You can't shelter them from life and the world is full of people with bad habits so better to give them to tools they need to make better choices and be a good example and teach them to be tolerant of others.
I'm not saying that I would like to shelter them for the rest of their lives. I just don't want my future kid/ children to be "exposed" to my inlaws' "bad habits" at such an early age. I agree about giving them the tools they need to make better choices -- I'm all about that.
But in my particular situation, with the frequency of my inlaws consuming their bad habits, I'm afraid my future kid/ children would be exposed to their bad habits even before they could start walking. I would like me and my hubby to be the first to educate them and give them full information about what's out there, but I don't want them to learn that it's OK to copycat my inlaws' bad habits on a daily basis (like what my inlaws are doing right now).
My father in law is a drinker. A BIG DRINKER! My DH and I allow him to see the kids, but only supervised and we have been honest with our kids (age appropriately) as to what the issues are. They love their grandpa and their grandpa loves them. They are just not left with him for safety reasons. It actually has been a great learning tool about alchohol for them. I hate that there had to be a lesson, but we have used it as one.
That's exactly what we may have to end up doing -- like you, more than likely, we can't just leave my future kid/ children with the inlaws with full babysitting priviledges. Good for you for protecting your children!
But how do you and hubby handle this with the inlaws/ how does your efforts affect your relationship w/ the inlaws? Do they ever question why you and hubby would not let the kids spend the night w/ your inlaws?
I've always had a big problem with this mentality--partly b'c I've so often seen it unjustified and judgemental. You can't shelter them from life and the world is full of people with bad habits so better to give them to tools they need to make better choices and be a good example and teach them to be tolerant of others.
A realistic parent knows one cannot protect children from everything, let alone all their lives. It doesn't train them to be ready for the real world.
On the other hand comes the question a parent striving to be realistic must face:
Precisely how much "evil" do you let in?
I know that my in-laws, while they love my son very much, are terrible examples when it comes to discipline. He gets his way around them, and in the worst way -- not just for the asking, but by being told "no" and then either disobeying and receiving no consequence OR pressing the matter followed by them relenting.
My mother in law was very proud of herself one day because she'd chastised him for something. Her explanation:
"Oh, he KNEW by the tone of my voice! I don't waste all that time trying to explain to him when he's done something wrong, I just take care of it right there!"
I've been around them for this; 99 percent untrue, the boy would get away with murder if not for me; but that ONE percent, she doesn't take the time to explain what he's done wrong? The boy is two years old and finding his way in the world. Not explaining -- THAT's the ticket, right?
My grandparents were alcoholics and smokers and my parents never drank or smoked. We spent holidays and vacations with them and none of us ended up as drinkers and smokers. I think it starts at home and what standards you teach your children by your own examples and instruction - they are more apt to live by the code of examples they see everyday then the short exposure to other relatives on occasion. Depending on their ages and should you ever be questioned like, "Grandpa drinks, why don't you?" Be honest and tell them how you feel about it - my parents did. It's not like we grew up and never had a drink - we just aren't big drinkers.
My father in law is a drinker. A BIG DRINKER! My DH and I allow him to see the kids, but only supervised and we have been honest with our kids (age appropriately) as to what the issues are. They love their grandpa and their grandpa loves them. They are just not left with him for safety reasons. It actually has been a great learning tool about alchohol for them. I hate that there had to be a lesson, but we have used it as one.
Same here. My in-laws drink a lot and are not allowed to drive our children anywhere. They're not bad to just be around--an acquired taste, definitely, but not bad. My father-in-law usually just falls asleep, and his wife gets shrill and really clumsy. Falling down drunk clumsy. We've had talks with our older daughter about it, because she knows what's going on. The other children are too young to understand.
My father-in-law occasionally says some baffling, racist comment, but I nipped that in the bud a long time ago. Occasionally he'll say something at the dinner table, but "Dad" said in a warning tone makes him stop.
My father-in-law occasionally says some baffling, racist comment, but I nipped that in the bud a long time ago. Occasionally he'll say something at the dinner table, but "Dad" said in a warning tone makes him stop.
My dad does the same thing once in a while, I believe it was just how he was raised and the situation at the time. I don't fault him for that, it was part of society back when he was growing up. I don't think your kids will develop a racist view because of your father-in-law if you explain to them how he was raised and how it isn't socially acceptable anymore. None of us kids developed any hatred toward African Americans because of how our father was raised and views them. He spouts off the "N" word now and then but he's in his 60's and set in his ways. He's still the most loving, caring man that I am proud to call my dad.
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I would like me and my hubby to be the first to educate them and give them full information about what's out there, but I don't want them to learn that it's OK to copycat my inlaws' bad habits on a daily basis (like what my inlaws are doing right now).
